the rat and the race....

I have been at this new job for about 10 months. I feel like I am fooling everyone here into thinking I know more than I do. Of course, my team comes in and shows me I have nothing to worry about.

They aren't bad people by any stretch, they just aren't what you would call concerned about their job.

I was raised to live in fear of losing your job. I tend to not want to have any kind of team lead or anything resembling myself having to be responsible for others. If they screw up it falls on me.

Well good luck with that.

I have been coming in between 5 and 6 am since January to help out with European issues. We had hired a new director and he needed some help so I volunteered.

I love the hours but it was becoming apparent that I was not a fan of this director. Neither it seems were his people.

His main guy in Europe quit, so I became the main guy. We sent one of our guys from the US to live in Europe and he quit like 4 minutes after he got there.

I was now supporting a continent from across the ocean with at the time 6 months of experience.

No pressure.

The new director hired another guy about a month ago, and he has been slowly picking things up. They also hired a new guy last week.

Then they fired the director.

My director is now the worldwide support director and has pretty much elevated me to team lead for these European guys.

Now I see why this has to happen. There is no one there to train them. I am in early and I have the most experience based on me being here longer than them.

That said, I haven't even been here a year and now my company is telling our customers in Europe that I am the guy who will be the lead for any issues they have. On top of that I have to manage and train these guys, I have to have daily meetings with them (I hate meetings). I have to manage customers.

I had a meeting with my director yesterday and he told me how he hoped next year I would join him for a conference in Germany to train our partners as well.

Trip to Germany? Fun

Training foreigners, dealing with accents and language barriers while battling your own concerns about your mastery of the technology, protocols and the product? Not so much.

Of course I can't tell my boss that I don't want to do this. It wasn't what I was hired for and I am certainly sure this is not what they wanted, but right now it is what is needed. I am glad that they don't think I am a total fuck up and can handle this, but at the same time this week has been too much, too fast and I feel overwhelmed.

I have a paper due Monday and my final in environmental science as well. The wife and the boy are going to Vermont tomorrow to visit relatives and I'll be able to finish my fence and that work. I think after that I'll grab a nice showe and go see "Hot Fuzz". I'll probably finish the day with a marathon of video games.

Hopefully it will be the recharge I need.

I'm not scared of the work by any stretch, its more the responsiblity for others and that possiblity of failure because of that.

I don't like relying on people. I also don't like playing the management game. I'm not built to deal with customers in a kiss ass way.

I guess I'm going to have to work on that.