Support our troops...

So I have a buddy deployed in Kosovo for a year. I call him Mon Capitan, MC for short. MC has made some requests of me, which I am happy to oblige. He, like me, is a fan of the new Battlestar Galactica. I know he probably won't be able to see them where he is, so I burn the episodes for him and send them out to him a season at a time. I'll do the same for other shows he likes, like ROME.

Then MC asked for something else....


and I failed him.

He wanted a video loop of a girl with huge cans jumping up and down. This wasn't for him. It was for the men under his command.

A good leader provides for his men. MC is such a leader. He asked a simple request. I looked and couldn't find anything for him.

I failed.

I was getting all his Cd's with his battlestar episodes ready, when I received a distress from the MC.

He had needs that couldn't be fulfilled since he was an officer and he couldn't hook up with enlisted women. He needed porn.

He asked and I made a vow to not fail him again. My determination was almost divinely inspired. I immediately found an downloaded "Big Tits, Round Asses: KARMA" for the good MC.

Needing to verify the authenticity of the video I sampled it.

Wouldn't you know it.

The first 20 minutes are a girl with huge cans jumping up and down. The other 20 minutes are...

Well you know.

A weight off of my shoulders, I sent the disks to our good fighting American yesterday. I hope it shows up like a Christmas miracle.

As an aside I have yet another story about the chick who answers the phones at my job.

Faithful reader my imagination is not so vast that I could make these stories up, so please believe me when I tell you this is all true.

I was troubleshooting a customer system when Kat comes over and asks how my weekend was.

Like normal I tell her it was uneventful. She then tells me about hers.

It was rough, like normal. She didn't get home until 3 am on Sunday and is hurting.

None of this is unusual and doesn't warrant my valuable blog space.

This is the fun part. She tells me she was at this party until 3 am, but needed to stop drinking booze at 2 am and start the water drinking process because her 1 year old daughter was upstairs in a portable crib sleeping and she needed to sober up so she could drive her home.

Read that run on sentence again.


She takes a baby to a party that is probably loud since people are drinking until 3 am. She then drinks until 2 am and decides to sober up by drinking water for an hour. She then wakes up her baby (who should be home sleeping) and drives home presumably drunk.

I'm no prude, but jesus! Be a fucking parent. This broad talks about what trash her ex husbands are, and she has taken her kids in, but that's what parents do. It's part of the job. You don't get rewarded for it.

I see a teen pregnancy in her little babies future....give it 13 years.

I swear I'm not lying...

So Kat comes to me yesterday and tells me she is exhausted. This is becoming something of a daily thing. She goes out and drinks until about 3 am and has to be at work for 9 am. This time she is tired because she took her son to see the WWE. Oh and the night before she was out until 3 am drinking so she only had 1 hour of sleep.

She said she si going to try to set aside days to spend with one kid at a time because three at a time really drags her in different directions.

So she shows me the pictures she took of the wrestling match.


They are awful. They are poorly lit and I am wondering if this is what I was supposed to see.

So I am flipping through her digital camera and I come to some well lit pictures...of dildos.

She does the "Oh you weren't supposed to see those!" thing.

Right.

I was supposed to look at poorly lit pictures of a wrestling ring from about 100 rows back, but you just so happened to have well lit pictures of you and your friends at a sex toy party.

Right.

There are about 10 pictures of plastic cocks, her friends "jokingly" deep throating foot long kielbasa and just other family fun.

It gets crazier every day.

Soldier on through....

I live in a sitcom. There is no other way to say it. On Fridays at the office we usually crack open a beer around 2 pm or so. It's all good. We don't operate heavy machinery.

So with that in mind, what happened on Friday morning was a bit of a shock.

Kat (27 years old, mom of 3, 2 different dads, twice divorced) came in like she usually does on Friday.

Hung over.

She worked at her second job (it will pay for her new boobs) until 10 pm and then partied until 3 AM at townie bars.

I felt her pain, since I went to bed at 9:30 PM and got up at 4 am.

Ahh our lives are so interchangable.

Around 9:30 in the morning there is an email saying there are bagels in the cafeteria. A co-worker asks me if I am going to get one. I say sure and we grab a bagel.

I am back at my desk at 9:45 AM.

As I pass Kats desk I see an empty beer bottle.

I say "Did you just drink that?"

Kat says "Best thing for a hangover dude!"

This is the world I live in.

December is a busy month for me. Obviously Christmas makes it busy, but my wife, my mother, my brother, and my brothers girlfriend all have birthdays in December.

To deal with all of the birthday madness my family has one dinner for all of the bday kids. It's a fun tradition and since I don't see my folks for Thanksgiving, it's almost like a post Thanksgiving.

We get there before my brother and his chick come over. My dad excitedly mentions that they have HBO.

Welcome to 1997 dad.

My brother lives at home as well and when he comes home he mentions that they have HBO.

This I think is a big deal for my family. My brother is saying he has been watching Curb your Enthusiasm on demand.

Now at this point my brothers girlfriend is over.

Dinner isn't quite ready so we decide to watch an episode of Curb.

It turns out that the episode isn't really appropriate for my son so we stop the episode.

When you stop on demand shows it takes you to a "saved programs" menu. Basically anything you have watched in the past 24 hours is on this menu.

The Curb episode is there but so is something else.

"Cathouse 02"

The cathouse series is a family series from HBO late night. It tells the story of fatherless girls who grow up and move to a house in Nevada.

This house provides all the needs for them. Food, shelter, clothing. All they have to do is charge men for sex.


Yes folks it's a show about a brothel. Since my dad can barely use the remote to turn the TV on, I think it's safe to assume that my brother is getting the most use out of HBO On Demand.


So we are sitting there in front of the 60 inch TV with "Cathouse 02" on the screen. I am laughing my ass off and my brother is turning red with his parents and girlfriend in the room screaming to get out of that menu.

Enjoy HBO little brother.

I really can't make this stuff up...

I've mentioned a few times my co-worker Cassie. She is the single mom of two teenage boys.


They are teenaged only in that they have lived 15 and 16 years. Mentally I think they are 4.

They call their mom for EVERYTHING. If they want a snack when they get home, her cellphone rings because they need permission.

It's insane.

I think she wouldn't have it any other way.

Cassie wasn't in yesterday. She had to work from home because one of her kids was sick.
Her kids are 15 and 16. That is insane. If I was 10 and was sick I would stay home alone. This woman needs to stay home to care for a teenager?

Does he have malaria? I kinda doubt it. My kid is 2, so yes I can see working from home if a child that age is sick, but a teenager?

Jesus.

Cassie's friend Kat answers the phones here. She is something else.

27 years old.

Three kids.

Two different fathers.

Twice divorced.

Let that sink in for a second.

This chick has lousy taste in men and loves some fucking skin on skin sex.

She owns her own home and her mortgage is about three thousand dollars a month. Crazy money. That is almost double my mortgage. I know I make more than her so I am wondering how she swings it.

Her sister lives with her and pays rent. On top of that, Kat has taken a second job at a donut shop.

More power to her. A parent has to do whatever it takes to support their family.

Yea that isn't the case. She is working the second job because the insurance at my company doesn't support breast implants.

Mommy needs some titties. She also always comes in feeling like shit because she was out boozing the night before.

She was in the cube ahead of mine the other day. All I could hear was her voice. One of my co-workers was looking for her and she said she was in the cube.

The dude walks in and says "What are you doing?"

All I hear is "Look I'm grabbing my ankles!!"

This place keeps getting better.

An inspiration to us all....

My mother in law came over the day after Thanksgiving. I can only take this woman in small doses, so of course she was over for six hours.

It got to the point where I just fired up the xbox and started playing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Everyone is in the room with me just talking. I'm only half listening to the conversation since it revolves around the mother in law and all about her life.

I start to pay attention to her when she talks about this "amazing book" she is reading that is changing her life.

See my mother in law is dating a life coach. To those of you who don't know a life caoch is someone who isn't smart enough to be a psychologist, but gets paid to tell people what is wrong with them. This book was recommended by said life coach.

She mentions one story in this book. A young boy happens to see his favorite football player. The boy is so excited and goes up to the football player and rattles off all of his stats and tells him what a huge fan he is of him. The football player says thank you. The boy then looks at him and says that someday he is going to break all of his records.

My mother in law finishes it with "That young boy did break all of his records....and that young boy was OJ Simpson."

Stunned silence. She is serious. This story inspired her. Finally my sister in law says that since OJ, you know, murdered two people and recently tried having a tv special and a book deal about said murder then he probably isn't the best guy to be inspired by.

My mother in law countered by saying the book was probably written before the murder and then tried to redeem herself by saying "Well there is also a story about Michael Jackson."

Great. A pedophile. I'm so glad this woman doesn't watch my kid anymore.

She can be led by the nose by anyone. It's just damn scary.

After she left we all drank until about 3 am occasionally stopping for a pause and saying "and that little boy grew up to be Osama Bin Laden!!" or some variation on it.

I love Thanksgiving.

I think I may have erred....

SinceI have started the new job I've gotten a polo shirt with the company logo on it.

I don't like it. I will never wear it. I took it because I was the new guy and hey I probably will only have to take it this one time and they won't be giving them away anymore.

Last week the secretary comes over and asks what our sizes are. She is ordering more shirts. I tell her I am all set and I don't want one.

She comes back yesterday and asks again. I'm like really I don't want one. I never wear them and they just take up space in my closet. I appreciate it, but I'll never wear them. I tell her to just take me off the list.

About ten minutes later I get an email from my director asking me why I don't want a shirt. I scroll down the email and see that the secretary has told my director in an email that I do not want a shirt and I have asked to never get one again.

Bitch.

She could have just sent the list and not had my name on it. He never would have known.
Shit like this annoys me.

Companies talk about saving money, but then they go out and buy embroidered shirts.

I'd rather have a bonus or a larger raise instead of a shirt. I feel like an ass telling my director that while I appreciate the sentiment, I never wear those things.

I know I should just play ball and take the shirt and then never wear it, but I can't. I'd want to throw it away. It's a waste of cash to me.

Now I look like an ass. Maybe I am one. Oh well. I thought my wife would back me on this.

She did not.

I am alone in this world.

On another note. I was in my living room Saturday morning and I saw a couple walking a dog. They walked the dog right onto my front lawn and let their little darling pooch shit on my front lawn.

I opened my window and asked if they were planning on picking that up. The man started walking away, but the woman said she would, and the dog just went up there and started shitting before they could stop it.

This dog weighed maybe ten pounds. I call bullshit. So she said she would clean it up and walks away to get a bag.

This tells me this cunt did not plan on picking up after her dog. Most people have those bags handy.

About ten minutes later she came back and picked up the dog shit.

Whore. The balls of people. Thinking they can just go on someones lawn and have their dog shit there like it's no big deal.

I hope her dog gets heart worms.

Mid-terms...

Been a bad boy. I've been neglecting all 5 of my readers. That stops for today at least.

I had a mid term that I put off until the very last minute. I did end up with an A- though. I really doubt my professor read it. It was trash.

Anyway...

While I was writing this 10 page paper....

It was a Sunday. My wife was watching the boy so I could get some work done. We are trying to get the boy out of diapers. It would be GREAT if he was out of diapers.

My wife tries something new. She takes his diaper off.

I am typing away and my 2 year old son is running into the office bare assed. I tell my wife to put some pants on the kid. She puts on his Spider-Man boxers (yes I was jealous that I didn't have any) but no diaper.

She tells me she did this before. She had him with no diaper on and kept an eye on him. She then would ask him if he had to use the bathroom. When he did she took him to the potty.


This is a stupid idea. Why not keep the kid in the diaper and ask if he has to go to the bathroom? If he says yes then you take him to the potty.

So around 4 she leaves to meet a friend for dinner. I'm still working on the paper. I go into the living room to check on him a few minutes later and there is piss everywhere.

He pissed all over his Spider-Man chair. He pissed all over himself. He pissed on my floor.

I am, for lack of a better word, pissed. I have only 3 more hours to turn in this paper and I have a kid covered in urine. I have to now:

1. Wash the floors
2. Throw out his chair
3. Wash the boy.

This takes time I do not have. It all ends well but I didn't need that at all.


Last week the wife and I went to Providence to see Death Cab for Cutie. If you get a chance to see this band then go for it. They were awesome. Since the show was in Providence we got up early and drove to my folks house.

My whole family lives close to Providence. My aunt, hearing that I was coming down, asked for help with her computer.

My cousin is about 17 and he LOVES porn. The last time I looked at my aunts PC it took almost 4 hours to clean that thing out and get it running again. They have since bought a laptop. It's about 2 months old and it is running like shit because of the porn and viruses on it.

As I am cleaning out this machine my aunt decides to entertain me with stories about my dirty dirty cousin.

She had both cousins clean out their rooms. The older one is 20 and a good guy. He does it no problem. The 17 year old is a good guy too, but just not right in the head. He comes out of his room with a big smile on his face. He is holding his nightstand drawer.

He is smiling because he is a 17 year old who is dumping out his drawer full of cum stained tissues. He is getting a kick out of this pseudo walk of shame.

The kid ain't right.

With that story over she moves onto another fine moment in my families history. My cousin has lost his license for awhile so he needs my aunt for rides. One night he has a girl at the house and my aunt comes in to bring her home.

After they drop her off my cousin tells my aunt to hurry home.

She asks him why.

He tells her he has blue balls and needs to take care of it.

My aunt has never heard of this term called blue balls and is like "Oh are you ok?"

My cousin is like yea mom just get me home and I will take care of it.

So they go home and my other cousin and my uncle are there. My blue balled cousin makes a run to the bathroom. My uncle asks whats wrong.

My aunt is like "He has blue balls."

My cousin and my uncle just laugh their asses off.

20 minutes later my cousin comes out of the bathroom looking much better.

This was told to me by his mother.

God I love my family.

You make me feel like a whore...

"Oh man I'm so hung over."

"Have a rough night last night?"

"Yea I was closed the bar near my house....I'm hurting today dude."

This was a conversation I have with the 27 year old single mother of 3 children last Friday.

Did I mention that the kids don't have the same dad? Hard to believe such a responsible woman would have kids from different dads, much less at the ripe old age of 27.

One of my co-workers said it best:

"That box must be BUSTED!!"

This chick is the annoying soccer moms (Cassie) friend. Cassie got her hired so as you can see they share some slutty similarities.

This new chick comes into work dressed like she gets paid for sex. I've mentioned the outfits before, but the partying until 1:30 in the morning was news that I had to share.

She bitches about her deadbeat ex husband, who I guess is the father of 2 of her kids.

Two out of three ain't bad I guess.

So I know a few things about her.

1. I could probably nail her with a 6 pack of PBR and a backrub.
2. She is not a fan of birthcontrol (BONUS!!)
3. She is a slut.

How do you get knocked up three times by at least two different dudes before you hit 30?

She has a good job. She bitches about these exes of hers, but jesus christ she is out on Thursday nights getting loaded.

You're a fucking parent. You don't get to do that shit anymore.

You're life sucks, well so does mine. Don't make your kids life worse by blowing cash and getting drunk like a college student.

I didn't go out a lot when I was married. I did when I was single, but when I got married that was behind. Sure there are guys weekends and shit like that, but that is not often.

After I had a kid that curbed even more. I can't imagine now going out getting loaded on a work night.

This bitch does and is looking to me to be like "Yea I've been there man."

Well I have been there, except I was 23 years old at the time.

You're a fucking parent now. The last thing your kid needs to deal with is mommies hangover or wondering who that dude is who kept you up all night fucking mommy in the ass.

Stupid bitch.

Dude I'm surrounded by the brothers here...

So the wife and I went into Boston this weekend for a make up anniversary weekend. We spent the night in the city.

For dinner we went up to the north end and had a great meal at this awesome restaurant called L'Dolce Vita. I tried to get the wife hammered so she would get freaky that night. Instead she had one glass of wine and got sleepy.


We were batting the idea around all week of seeing a comedy show. We finally decided that we would hit the comedy connection and see D.L Hughley perform.

He was a riot. The dude who opened for him, was not.

First of all I've seen the dude who opened before. He opened for Jim Norton at the Comedy Connection 2 years ago.

Two years ago he had the same act that he did on Saturday.

Now two things. D.L Hughley is apparently a big comic in the black community, this was apparent by the representation by the black community at the club. No problems there. I don't have problem with black people. We were surrounded by black people. That is the second thing.

Now this is where it starts to suck. The comic without original material decides to break out some new material. He starts talking about stereotypes.

Specifically black stereotypes.

Specifically black dudes have big cocks and black people like watermelon and fried chicken.

I'm surrounded by black people. Imagine a flashlight in the middle of the night. That is how much I stood out.

The comic is like "Big dicks are great stereotypes!! Chicken and watermelon is great!! I love it!!"

There are crickets in my corner of the club.

NO ONE IS LAUGHING.

I am praying that there is a sniper about to take this hack out

Dude know your audience. When half of the people are black and you are white dude from Boston, don't fucking talk about black stereotypes.

Other than that mild infraction that set the civil rights movement back, D.L. Hughley was a riot.

To top things off, when we get back to our room, I turn on the TV and there is Dave Chappelle doing standup talking about how fried chicken and watermelon is delicious and how being stereotyped about having a big dick was not a bad thing.

Fucking hack...

Vonage, voicemail and blowjobs....

Spent the weekend at my parents house. There was a dinner in honor of my late grandmother so we made the trek. The next day was going to be my dad and I watching the Patriots kick the shit out of the Dolphins.


My brother moved back in with my folks about 6 months ago. He now has his computer there along with all of his other crap. I decided to log on to check my email.

Now I have Vonage. It's awesome. If I get a voicemail I get an email and can actually listen to it over the computer.

Usually the voicemail file is associated with windows media player. My brother has his computer set up so that any media files are opened with itunes.

No big deal.

So I am in my folks house and clicking on my voicemail when itunes opens up.

Only it's not my voicemail.

No not voicemail. Instead I get a video file.

Of two girls on their knees taking turns sucking a cock.

I'm in my parents house and my brothers itunes has locked up on some porn that he has saved. I can see my voicemail file right above the porn file, but his whole computer has locked up with an image of two girls getting cummed on by a cock that looks like it could be used as a bat in the world series.

Then my mother starts calling me into the kitchen for lunch.

My brother doesn't have the "show desktop" button on his PC so I can't even force everything to minimize.

My kid is running around and my wife is around too and if they walked in they would see me sitting at the PC with two girls getting loads shot in their face.

I hate my brother at this point.

I finally just force the PC to shut down and reboot it. I save the file and force it to open with windows media player.

My fucking dirty ass brother leaving porn in the open.

Fucking rookie, and I would have taken the hit for it.
I'm sure the excuse "I'm just listening to voice mail!!" would have held up.
God I wish I was an only child sometimes.

So I cut my penis....

I've been trying to work out more. I lift weights now and then spend 20-30 minutes on the elliptical machine.

It's hard to keep it up consistently because of work, school and the boy. So last night I had only enough time to get cardio in. I am on the machine and I am kicking its ass. I feel good and breaking a great sweat.

Then I start hearing something hitting the floor upstairs. I had to cut my workout short by about 5 minutes to make sure the boy was ok.

I had left him upstairs watching Bob the Builder and the movie ended so he decided to entertain himself by running around with the dog and throwing dog toys at him.

Then I started feeling a pain around my crotch, specifically the tip of my penis.
I look and there is a cut running above and below my piss hole.

I cut my penis.

I generally don't wear underwear when I work out. I think I should from now on. As I was working out and moving rather fast my penis was moving up against the seam of my shorts and well....

Friction is a bitch.

So I have a cut on my penis.

Apparently urine is acidic because it hurts like a mother fucker when I piss.
This made a very uncomfortable night and I am sure this will be an uncomfortable couple of days until I heal.
Go me and my broken penis!

I had great dreams last night too. I'm sure having a gash on my penis helped.

I kept dreaming that some guy named White Power Bob was breaking into my house and I had to cut off his head with a rifle butt.
Except I only cut off part of it and felt like I was going to get in trouble for doing it.

Damn cut penis fever dreams.

SSNGM...

We get home on Sunday and the wife does laundry. After dinner she comes up with a clean load of laundry and I ask her if there is anymore that I need to put in?

She says nope the last load is in the dryer and we are all good.

We end up going to bed and are busy all day yesterday. I get up this morning and I need a shirt. There aren't any that I really want to wear, so I go into the laundry room to get the clean clothes out of the dryer and what do I see?

All of my shirts in a pile on the dryer and in the dryer clean clothes.

Are my shirts on top of the dryer clean?

Of course not.

You see after I asked her if there was anything that needed to be cleaned she forgot she left all of my fucking shirts on the dryer!!!

So of course she said no.

I go upstairs and am like WTF you said everything was cleaned.

Oh it was a small load I guess I forgot about.

Yea I guess.

So I grab a an older shirt that looks like ass and put it on. I have put my clothes in the wash and ask the wife to put them in the dryer before she goes to work.

She asks what clothes.

I say the clothes you didn't wash.

I go to leave and give her a kiss and she turns away from me.

Fucking broads.

She has the balls to ask what laundry when she can tell I am pissed she didn't do laundry that I would have done!!

Then she gets pissed at me for saying to put laundry in the dryer that she didn't do!!
My buddy has a theory called SSNGM Same Sex Non Gay Marriage.
Basically it means that him and I buy a duplex and him and I live in 1 part of it and our wives live in the other part of it.
That way we avoid the craziness that is woman.

SSNGM....

I fucked up....

School was a bad idea this semester. I really should have taken this semester off. I need to post 4 times a week on a message board. I really need to step it up.
I get home and have zero desire to fucking sit down and do this class.
Today I'm gonna start kicking my ass into gear. I have a huge essay due at the end of next month too.

Kids stay in school. Working full time and having a wife and kid makes it hard to focus on one class.

One more thing...

The Patriots season is really starting to annoy me. Tom Brady needs to let go of whatever is bothering him and start playing.

I don't believe that he just doesn't have anyone to pass to.

You lost an OK wide receiver, move on and win another Super Bowl!!

Heathens and work...

I think I made a mistake taking this job. I feel like I don't know enough, although the people here seem to know less.

Not a fan of the co-workers. They pass off work and come in whenever they want. I'm just not feeling it.

I'm really hoping this passes, at least I hope I get to be a lot better on this job.
It's just been shitty lately. The job blows. I am hating coming here everyday.

School sucks this semester too. With the new job I should have actually taken the semester off because I am spending too much time learning the job and not enough time focusing on class.
I did spend some time getting into it with some soccer moms who tried saying that Adam and Eve created humanity.

This broad told me that Adam and Eve had sons and daughters who fucked and had kids who fucked and had kids. They repeated this and thus humanity was formed.

God Bless inbreeding.

Only heathens believe in evolution eh?

I hate working with this broad....

So the slutty soccer mom last week tells me I am going to watch her do an upgrade. It will be a good training excercise she says.

I'm all about training so I say great. On Tuesday I back up all of our customers files and I get him a license for the new software. I make sure the customer has the installation CD. It's all good. Cassie says we will do the upgrade on Thursday.


She comes in Thursday and is immediately yelled at for not documenting an active issue with a high profile customer. She then throws her friend who she just got hired under the bus for it.

Good to know she is loyal huh?

So Thursday comes and goes. As I leave I say "So I guess we aren't going to do the upgrade huh?" She is like oh why didn't you remind me?

Why didn't I remind her?

Because it's her fucking customer. It's not my job to follow up on her issues. When I get in the office I make sure that I have contacted everyone I am supposed to. She should do the same.

She is after all training me.

I get in on Friday morning and she had sent me an email saying she told the customer we were waiting on the license because she didn't want him to know WE forgot.

I replied and told her I didn't forget.

This is such a chick thing. WE. "We should really get that customer up and running." is chick speak for "You do it and I will watch and say I helped."

Fucking broads.

So Friday we start the upgrade. Cassie says we can use my computer to do it. I am fine with this. Now I have zero experience with this system. Cassie has never done this upgrade either.
We start at 12:30. By about 3:00 we are ready to convert the customers old files to work on the upgraded system.

The conversion fails.

I ask Cassie what to do. She says "You're doing the upgrade, you figure it out." I'm like "Wait this is your customer." She says "This is a training excercise for you." Then she puts her feet up on her desk.

Great way to spend a Friday.

What

a

cunt.

She bails on me with her customer on my machine. Fucking whore. She says to call a buddy of mine. He helps me out and by 5 I have the system ready to go.

The whole time she would come to my desk and bullshit with the other people helping me out and then when they left she would go to her desk and put her feet up.

Twat.

So Monday the customer emails saying there are some problems with the upgrade. This is still her ticket. She must have asked my 5 times if I contacted that customer.

I am like nope I am working with my customers.

Fucking bitch.

I hate shit like this. I hate because I'm not the type of person to let it lie and I really just want to come into work without drama.

The drama comes to me no matter what.

Dude your face rubbing is killing me....

This guy I sit across from has issues. I don't think showers are often in his life. He has dreads so I think he rarely washes his hair. He doesn't stink, but his face always looks dirty.
He has this annoying habit of taking his palm and rubbing it across his face in a circular motion. He does this for a 5 second stretch.
Then he stops for like 5 minutes and repeats. It makes a nasty sound and I think I am going insane by it.
Is it wrong that it is more rational to me to cut off his hands than to ask him to stop?

Happiness is a warm Lost....

I've been slowly but surely going over the Lost season 2 set. I love it. I can't wait for this show to come back on. The set is great and the special features rock. The best special feature is a set that shows all of the connections between characters.
Interestingly enough Jack, Jacks dad and Claire all have a connection to a person who is obscured by static.
I think this is a nod to the theory that Jacks father is also Claires father.
The one special feature that was missing was the police video showing Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros being arrested and booked for their DUI.
A lot of people get frustrated with the show since it doesn't reveal it's secrets quick enough.
I dig that about the show. So far I really have no complaints. I dig it quite a bit and the only frustration I feel is the wait between weeks for the show.

If this was me talking I'd be fired....

So the lady who will do anything but 3 things in bed has gotten her friend hired here. Her friend looks just as dirty as my co worker sounds. She all but confirmed it by wearing an all denim outfit including short shorts the other day. It was a DEFINITE when she came in on Friday wearing jeans with rips on the ass.


It fucking follows me. I'm no slave to fashion, but I don't wear clubbing clothes to work.
Now we know the lady I work with is dirty, so it makes sense that a friend would be just as dirty. I mean it's not like they met each other at a library.

They probably met at an orgy.

I can see it now:

"Wow you really went to town on that black dude!!"
"Thanks! I was pretty impressed with your double pentration!"

Thus...a friendship is born.

Or so I imagine.

At work it's pretty loose. People swear and no one is stuffy, but we don't cross that line with the ladies. The line is when we say certain things to guys that we would be forced to see HR for if we said them to the ladies.

This does not apply when it is woman to woman I guess.

The lady I work (Cassie) with was at my cube for some reason and her friend (Kat) walks by.


Cassie says:
"You're walking kinda funny....must have been a good lunch huh?"

Kat says:
"Ha I wish!!"

I have never heard women talk like this at work. Man I couldn't fucking believe it. Basically saying her friend is walking like she got plowed like a field.
I love it. Forget everything negative I ever said about this place.
I'm really beginning to feel like this is home.

The crying game....

Not sure why I thought of this. I had a good friend when I was a teenager. This guy named Scott. Dude was a smart kid but lacking in common sense. He's married now and we don't talk a lot, but he's a great guy.


Example of how this guy was. One New Years Eve we were at a party at this awesome house. Place had a basketball court and an indoor pool. We are drunk off our ass and swimming. I look down in the pool on the deep end and I see Scott on the pool floor looking up at me. I dive down and pull him up. Once he catches his breath his drunk ass says "Thanks I forgot how to swim!"
Kid was funny like that. He ended up with a hangover and I ended up getting an awful blowjob from a drunk girl.


Not a good way to start the year off for either of us.

Scott and his dad used to race sailboats every Wednesday. One day he needed me to help. Apparently the guy who raced with him and his dad was out that week and they needed someone for the third spot. I've never sailed but whatever.
Scott made it an adventure. At that time we were both big into the first Ace Ventura. We would quote it all the time. Scott loved the scene where they played the "Crying Game" music and Ace burned his clothes and cried in the shower. So before we race we have to scrub the boat bottom. This meant getting into some filthy water and scrubbing. After we had to get cleaned up in public showers.


I'm not a fan of public showers. Not a fan of being naked in front of guys. So I go to the far end of the shower and Scott is on the other end.
All of a sudden I hear a wail. I look and I see Scott in the fetal position pretending to cry just like in Ace Ventura.

There really wasn't much to do except laugh. Nothing like a naked guy laughing his ass off at another naked guy who is crying.

What the fuck was wrong with me in my teenage years?

Christ on a cross! I'm drowning here.....

So work is umm not fun. The training I was in for the first 2 weeks has in no way prepared me for the work I am doing here. The 2 weeks I have actually been working have been less fun. With no training I am getting thrown cases to work on that I have zero clue on. This on top of more than half of my team either working from home or not working as a result of family crisis. The family crisis is something that is unavoidable, but the dudes working from home are kind of lame. I can see if you are having a delivery or its snowing, but there is no need to work from home for a week. The remaining 3 who were here dind't really offer much in the way of training or help and when they did I would show them a problem I was working on and they would slowly back away and tell me to work with the customer.


If these "seasoned veterans" can't help me with training then how the fuck am I supposed to help a customer? I'm kinda drowning here. We had a new hire on Monday. He worked with me at my last job and even he is like "what the fuck is going on here?" Makes me feel better knowing I'm not the only one who feels that way. I'm not stupid but this company has like 10-20 products that I need to know cold and I am getting cases to work on when I don't know these products. There is no help except for a guy I used to work with. He is the best technical guy in our group. Of course being the best guy in our group he is pulled in different directions all the time. Not to mention he was out last week with a family crisis.
I can't wait to get up to speed and blow these guys out of the water.


"The Last Kiss" soundtrack is rocking my ipod and keeping me sane right now.

Lets hear it for the new guy!

So the good news is that I think I can get the hang of this job. The bad news is I don't know how often I'll be able to update the blog for awhile. This is my first week actually working. The past two weeks have been hardcore training.


The job is a job. Nothing great. The people are interesting as they tend to be around me. One in particular is a little passive aggressive single mom. She says things like "Hit the apply button, like I told you in that email I sent you." Except she has sent me about 50 emails. I'm supposed to figure out what she means. I've also heard that as far as sex goes anything goes with her. Well almost anything.

There are three no no's:

No anal.

If she is in a threesome with two dudes...then the two dudes cannot be hooking up with each other. Because that is just gross.

I have no idea what the third is, but trust me I will find out.

She will have a threesome with a dude and another girl and hook up with the girl, but two guys can't hook up?

Look I'm no proponent of hooking up with dudes but doesn't that seem like a bit of a double standard?

Also how is a mom of two teenagers having enough threesomes that she can lay ground rules like that?

The weirdness follows me man. It just fucking follows me.

Work week

Real quick. Been training all week. It's been 7 years since I've had a first day at work and this is stressful as hell. I hate not knowing this stuff. On the plus side I think I'm really going to learn a lot here.


No funny stories yet. It's only been 3 days.....


Keep the dream alive.

Hello Stranger....

Better late than never I say!

Reasons for such a long absence faithful reader.

I'm lazy.

I got a new job.

The new job starts next Monday. I'm pretty pumped. I got a sizeable raise which is nice since the wife and I want to have another kid and maybe move in a year or two.

The laziness is a malady I have been stricken with forever.

There is no cure.


The boy turned 2 years old last Monday. My sister in law and her boyfriend came up that weekend to celebrate the day with us.

Funny story about that. The first night they are over the wife and I are in bed and feeling a little randy. We get to business and just as its about to get to the good parts we hear the boy crying.

It seems my sister in law was brushing her teeth and the bathroom lights woke the boy up. He is groggy and thinks my sister in law is my wife.

"Go get him!", whispers my wife. I am clothed but hard as a fucking rock. I don't think and go for him, hoping to get to him before he gets to my sister in law.

No luck. The lights on in the bathroom make it hard (no pun intended) to disguise my state.

So I um bend over into a weird kind of kneel/crouch and try to get the kid to come over to me.

The whole time my arousal is going anywhere but down. This is as bad as it gets folks. My son is still groggy and thinking that my sister in law is mommy, refuses to see me. I now have to make the even more awkward move of turning around while still crouching.

Yea that looked normal.

I make it back to my room and have the wife deal with it.


So I may have been gone awhile, but at least I provided some entertainment!

Until next time....

When you hear the words....

"Hey honey lets be guests on Maury Povich's show." You just know your life is over. Not only that but that should be a real clue that you are possibly one of the dumbest people alive.


Dude you are white and your kid is black! What kind of friends let this happen. How come no one steps up and is like "Umm Roy...you do notice that you and your wife are both blond right? Well how come the little tyke is darker than a solar eclipse?"My faith in humanity continues to waver....

Casualty of war...

I'm screaming at my wife to get the boy and hide inside. She isn't listening and we are slowly being surrounded. I'm telling her I can only fight a few more off before I get taken down. I'm trying to buy time for her to get to safety and then I'll be in the house.

In typical broad fashion she doesn't listen. It's on her so fast I have no chance to get there in time. I pull it off her and cut it's head off.

I look to my wife. My face drops.

It's too late, she's a zombie.

I leave her behind and run into the house. I lock the doors. I grab the boy off of the couch and take him upstairs. Our dog follows. With my trusty ax I destroy the stairs. The zombies can't eat what they can't reach.

We have enough food to last us a long time. I'm prepared. I only wish my wife has listened. We could have survived this together......


Then I woke up. I woke up sore and relieved that I was not fighting a zombie invasion and defending my 2 year old son and dog, all the while grieving over a zombified wife that I would probably have to kill.

I'm sore because I've been lifting weights. Damn it hurts to get back into that.

I'm dreaming of how to defend myself from a zombie invasion because my wife and son got me
"The Zombie Survival Guide : Complete Protection from the Living Dead" for father's day. Such a great book and written totally straight. It's written by one of my idol's, Mel Brooks, son Max.

I'm happy to tell you that even with my wife being eaten by zombies I was able to keep a clear enough head and save my son and my dog and get to higher ground. I then followed the rules and destroyed the stairs so the living dead would have no way to get to me.

That book may have just saved my life....

Why can't he dance?

This was on the MSN homepage this morning. Women have no clue and the dude who wrote this is obviously gay. My comments in italics.

It’s a stark fact of the dating world that the number of guys who know how to dance is inversely proportional to the number of gals who want to be twirled across a parquet floor—and that even among the guys who know how to dance, the number who actually want to dance (rather than, say, sit at the bar and watch the Mets game) is, John Travolta excepted, a relatively teensy fraction.

Why should this be so? Speaking on behalf of my fellow men, I’d say dancing in public is the most exposed thing a guy can do, short of hauling a mattress out to the nearest four-way intersection and engaging in you-know-what. But there are some subtle ways you can ease your guy out of his favorite armchair and onto a crowded dance floor. To wit:

Cater to his musical tastes. “My husband is picky about the music he’ll dance to,” says Py Kim Conant, author of Sex Secrets of an American Geisha. “It has to be 60’s, 70’s, or 80’s rock-and-roll. I can dance to anything, so instead of waiting for his kind of music, I go out on the dance floor and dance alone or with a group of people. When he sees how much I enjoy dancing without him, he’s sure to make his move when they do start playing the Rolling Stones or the Bee Gees.”

You are a whore. The man you are with doesn't write in to a website about why you don't blow him everyday. Learn who you started dating.


Buy him a video game.Thanks to the wonders of technology, your guy can now learn to dance without having to leave his 200-square-foot basement apartment. For example, the game Dance Dance Revolution (for PlayStation 2, Xbox and computer) comes with a dance pad that connects to his PC or game console and an assortment of bouncy pop and techno tunes. The person playing the game has to follow the footsteps to dance proficiency. If your boyfriend is the type who’d rather stay home and play Grand Theft Auto than squire you to the local club, this can be a good way to kill two virtual birds with one stone.

If my wife bought me a videogame of how to to dance I would whip my cock out and make her blow me while I played videogames. Actually I just might make her do that anyway....


Go back to school.Probably for the same reason they refuse to stop and ask for directions, many men are reluctant to admit that they simply don’t know how to shake their booty. If you suspect this is the case, surprise your beau with an enrollment for two in a swing-dancing (or samba, or tango) class. Even if you were Miss Salsa 2002, pretending to pick up all the right moves at the same time that he does is a great way to soothe his prickly ego and coax him out to the local club.


Dance class? BJ class!! It's a great way to soothe my prick!

Rent a movie.Kathryn Alice, relationship coach and author of Love Will Find You, raves about the Will Smith movie Hitch as a get-up-and-get-dancing tool. “In one scene, Hitch, a dating coach, demonstrates the basic dance a guy can do so as not to look stupid. It's a kind of side-to-side rocking, with hands on your hips and elbows bent. It's a perfect illustration of how to get away with dancing when you don’t really know how, and the movie also has a great message—that sometimes looking like a dork on the dance floor can be the best thing for your love life.”

How about we rent a movie that shows you how to swallow a hog? I'm sure it's one we will both love. I know I will....now get on your knees.

Be careful what you wish for. So your guy is schooled, groomed, and raring to go. Look out! He may be too eager to show off his not yet fully refined moves. “Once my boyfriend and I were at a New Year's dance, and there was this fantastic swing-dance couple out on the floor,” says Lisa from New York. “The crowd parted to watch their skill. My boyfriend decided to get a little crowd of his own going and did this odd dance, a cross between break dancing, tap dancing and an Irish jig. I could have sunk into the floor.”


Your boyfriend is gay.


Ladies,

If we are with you even though you don't suck a mean dick, we are with you because we love you. Don't fucking expect us to dance.

Sincerely,

Men

Superhero Top Guns

Its been one of those weeks. I have a ton of ideas to blog about but just didn't have the time to write them. Next week should be better. In the meantime this cracked me up. My buddy Ryan loves Top Gun and doesn't see the gayness in the volleyball scene. Hopefully this will clear it up....

Work people....

God how I cannot stand the fake shit that goes on around my office. The bullshit, fakeness. All of it. I get the bulk of my work from the many project managers at my company. One project manager hardly sends me any work. The end result of their job is to send me the work. So by me not getting the work from him, it tells me he does very little work.

What he does do is kiss some serious ass. I'm not an ass kisser. It's not in me. This guy lives for it. He is always "so busy" helping out the VP or some shit like that when in reality he does nothing but acts like he is swamped.

I just knew he was going to get ahead. I knew it.


Him and I do not get along at all. I mean you could never tell if you saw us together because we do, after all have to work together. He is too much of an ass kisser to try something directly. Instead he works discreetly.

One thing I can hold my head high about is the quality of my work. When it came time for reviews my boss thought to include the project managers. He had them all do an evaluation of me. Now all of them gave me high marks. One of them came over to me and told me that the kiss ass said something along the lines of "Well if I had one thing to say Jay could improve upon it would be his assertiveness to find the answers to a problem."

Quick basic description of one of my job duties. I have to do technical and quality testing for new countries that my company wants to terminate telephone calls to. So when I get a request to do that there is a bunch of stuff I need to do. One of the things I need is the dial pattern for said country. This is not because I can't find the country dial pattern, but because these tests are usually for specific cities and or cellular numbers. In short they are a specific dial pattern.

Fucko the kiss ass sends me tests for Mexico. Well Mexico is a big fucking country so I ask for the dial pattern he wants tested.

This is the assertiveness he wants me to improve upon. Fucking cockstain.

So the review comes and my boss has good things to say about me, until he brings up almost word for word the comment from that asshole.

I cut him off and say "I know who said it and let me say that that this guy needs to realize that I can in fact find country codes on my own, but do you want me testing Mexico city for a route that is Guadalajara?"

This is trivial to the world at large I know, but this fuck pisses me off. My boss saw my side and made a note of it.

Then something glorious happened. Before I worked in the department I'm in now I worked in the circuit provisioning department. My boss there was awesome. Approachable guy and a boss that would stand by you.

He got a promotion. He became my director and my bosses boss. Also a new position opened up. This job was to become the manager of the project management team.

So my old boss who is my new director asks to meet with me. We haven't spoken in awhile and he is going to meet with everyone but starts with me.

We shoot the shit. This guy is great. The type of guy you want to work for. You just don't want to let him down.* We then talk about work and he asks me what I think about this management position.

I know he isn't asking because he wants me to take it, so I tell him straight out.

"I have a feeling the ass kisser wants it and I think if you give it to him I think you are making a huge mistake."

He asks me why and I just tell him that I can work with people I don't like and I most definitely do not like this guy, but it would create more problems for you if you promote him. He does as little as possible but makes all of the executives think that the company would fail without him. He is a PM but out of all the PM's I get the least amount to do from him. If he is as busy as he says then this shouldn't be the case. I tell him I think that he will do less work if he gets the job and it will breed resentment from the people working for him.

He looks at me and says "Yep, that's exactly what I felt too. Thanks."

So a few days later there is an email sent out that this other guy who busts his ass got the job.

I smiled. I knew it would only be a matter of time.

Three weeks later that lazy fuck sends an email out saying he has taken a new position in a new department. I knew he couldn't work in our group when he was passed over.

Happy happy joy joy!

Now when people leave the company for another job they usually send an email out saying they are leaving. I don't get it but I guess I can see it as a way to pass on your contact information.
They also usually go cube to cube to say goodbye. This is very awkward for me. I have no idea what to say to them.

So not only does this fucker send the email out, but yesterday he goes cube to cube to say goodbye.

The dude isn't leaving the company!! He is going down a short hill to the other building we have. I could jog there in 2 minutes and I don't even jog!!

So as he neared my cube I left and went to Dunks.

God I'm so glad he is gone.

*I had to stop right there because it seemed like I was gay for my boss.

A victim of too much free time....

I work best under pressure. During the fall, winter and spring I get a lot done. I have to work during the day, take the boy to the babysitter and deal with school. Summer is here and I am done with classes for a few months. My mom works for a college so she is off during the summer and takes the boy for two days a week.

I've written a bunch of chores for myself, but have barely started on them. The reason is these chores don't have to get done. They should get done but there are no consequences if it doesn't. Basically it's on me.

I'm not such a great self motivator in that regard. I need to get my ass in gear though. I need to repaint the windows on the outside of my house. I definitely need to repaint my bathroom once I get on the roof and re-caulk around the skylights.

I've been trying to work on my yard, but the weather hasn't been cooperating. I've planted grass and have been watering it. It's growing pretty well I guess.

So much to do. I need to light a fire under my ass. I mean I think it's ok to be a little lazy from time to time. This is really the only time of the year where I get a night just for me. The bo is taken on a Tuesday morning and doesn't come home until Wednesday around 4. The wife isn't home from work until 9 or so on Tuesday.

Having the house to myself is awesome. I love it. Of course I need to stop vegging out on halk life 2 and get some work done, but i've almost beaten the game and can get to work.

I need to.

Mom and Dad don't need to know....

Let me preface this by saying I have no problem with my past.

Got that out of the way.

My brother had just started seeing a girl before we all went to Aruba. It was very surface, but they really liked each other. He had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship and wasn't ready for a commitment. This girl understood and knew he would probably be having fun while in Aruba with his friends.

He had fun. A lot of fun. He even let my parents know how much fun he was having.

On top of all of that, when we landed back in Boston around midnight he had the girl he was dating pick him and his buddies up at the airport.

Obviously this girl likes him a lot, and he likes her, but they weren't together very long before the trip. So whatever happens there stays there.

Well except it bothered my mom.

Monday my wife and I were over my folks house. We were all talking and it came up about how my brother acted in Aruba. My parents paid for the whole trip. This was their gift to us.
She was less than pleased that my brother spent all of his time with his friends and was having one nighters. Originally before he broke up with his girlfriend it was to be a family vacation where we would have dinners together and whatnot.

Once he became single my brother went from 25 year old man to a frat guy on spring break.

I didn't care. I mean he had been unhappy with his chick for a long time and needed to blow off steam.

The one nighter really bothered my mom though. So while we are all sitting around and my mom is saying:

"I didn't think I raised boys who would have one night stands." My lovely wife decides to say"

"Jay has had one night stands before too!"

I'm 30 and have been married for almost 5 years. I have a son who is almost 2 years old. I'm pretty sure my parents know I've had sex before.

They sure as shit don't need to know I've had a few one nighters. They DEFINITELY don't need to hear it from my wife!!

I just stared at her with a "What the fuck is wrong with you?" face. As we were driving home I'm like why would you ever tell my parents that?

She said she wasn't even thinking. She was just talking and didn't realize.

Fucking broads.

Got the block....

There is so little going on right now. I have nothing to write about. School is done for now. My mom takes the boy from Tuesday until Wednesday. I have a lot more free time, but I'm kinda at a loss as to what to write about.

The boy has been funny lately. We're trying to teach him to use a potty. We told him to tell us when he has to go.

That translates to telling us after he goes.

Fun stuff.

I'm not sure I'm ready for this potty thing. Diapers are one thing, but cleaning out shit and piss from plastic is kind of gross.

As far as i'm concerned he can take as much time as he wants in the diaper.

Man I sound so lame. Maybe my next post will be about my guys night out. That was fun.

Disgusting dream....

I dreamt that my wife and I had bought a new house. Once we moved in we found a lot of problems....like the bathroom floor opened up to the ground. Weird.

On top of it, in my dream I come home early and find my mother in law has started an orgy at my house.

I have a weird relationship with my mother in law. I don't love her...she's not family, I don't consider in laws as family, but I respect her as my wifes mother. I also don't find her remotely attractive.

Imagine my disgust when I get home and see my almost 50 year old mother in law in a nighty trying to fuck any dude around. There were a lot of other women and men there. It really fucking disturbed me. I know where this came from.

My in laws have recently divorced. They have been separated for over a year. In that time my father in law has been with one woman faithfully. He hasn't been dating. He has a job. He is responsible and cares for his family.

My mother in law on the other hand is meeting men online, as wrong numbers, anyway possible. She meets these weird men and has them come into her life, into my sons life when she watches him, and her young 11 year old sons life. She "owns" her own business, which is dubious since it's an art gallery in a suburban town. I don't think it is much of a business and I don't think it supports her.

So from this dream I can assume that I am subconciously worried that when my in laws finally sell their house, and my father in law is no longer bound to her, then I am worried that she may want to live with us.

I don't know how I could handle that.

Jail

(Circa 1997)

This was the worst year of my life. It was. Nothing made it good.

I was officially out of school.

I had no money and had stopped paying my car insurance.

I worked 2 jobs and never had a day off. I would wake up at 3 am to load trucks for UPS and then go to work at Uhaul.

I was such a winner.

In September of 1996 I got pulled over for doing 35 in a 25 MPH zone.

I meant to fight the ticket but I just forgot about it.

I'm not sure if I posted this before, but who cares it bears repeating. I would work until about 8:30 AM at UPS.

The fucking thing is I thought about it. I fucking thought about it. That still pisses me off to this day.

I had thought to take a different route to my apartment from work that morning. I did it because the cops in town were always pulling guys over for no reason.

I missed my turn because I was daydreaming about the 6 hours I had between UPS and Uhaul to have breakfast and sleep.

I got pulled over.

That ticket from 1996 came back to haunt me. I had been driving with a suspended license. I got arrested.

I had zero money. All I had was an ATM card and a checkbook. The cop only gave me enough time to grab my checkbook.

I was brought and booked at the towny police station. They had me handcuffed to a wall while they got a holding cell for me. Once the cell was ready I just went to sleep.

I was so tired. They took me to the Brockton courthouse. Brockton is a shithole. Murders and gangs. I don't belong there. I was just some kid who didn't pay a fucking speeding ticket. Life couldn't be this unfair. I have to sit down while this huge cop makes me take out my earring and my shoelaces. I am handcuffed and my legs are cuffed together too.

I get brought to another cell. I'm just in shock. How did I end up here? I'm not a bad person. There is only 1 other white guy there with me and he looks 12. I'm fucked. It's Febuary and I am wearing shorts. I have no money and no car. My case gets called up and I have to try to manage up the stairs with cuffed legs.

I get brough to the courthouse but where I have to sit there is messed up. There is a sheet of glass between myself and the court. I couldn't call my folks. I didn't want to deal with their bullshit. I know I fucked up. I couldn't deal with it.

I plead my case to the judge and he lets me go as long as I pay off what I owe. There goes the little cash I had managed to save up. Of course I have only a checkbook.

No ATM card which means no cash. This means I have to walk in the aformentioned shorts to the DMV to get my license reinstated.

It's cold. It is Febuary. I make it to the DMV and bump into one of my best friends. I don't know how. I just do. He drives me to get my car.

I've been up since 3 am. It's about 5 pm. I get home and explain to my roommate what happened. There are like 5 messages from Uhaul asking where the fuck I am. I am just fucked. I call work and explain what happened. They ask if I can still come in.

I need the money. What else can I do? I go in. That was the beginning of the worst year of my life. I would eventually break up with my future wife. I would have to move back home.

I come out of it ok in the end. I just like to look back every now and then and see how far I've come.

Now this is funny....

I've mentioned that my professor for this semester isn't very hands on. I half assed my last lab of the semester with the knowledge that I was getting an A in the class even if I got an F on it. I sent the lab in at the very last minute because that's when I did it. So I got the grade for it and emailed my professor for a critique. This is his response:

Hi Jason,
I wasn't planning on it but sinc you asked, Your comparison of geologic vs. Topographic maps particularly the Topographic maps component was sketchy at best and you didn't answer question #8 on boundaries at all. The raptor paper was cursory with no mention of range either timewise or geographically and a WEB encyclopedia entry doesn't indicate much of a WEB search for info. Have a Good Summer.
Kevan


By the way I got a 90 on the lab. Just blows my mind how this dude has a job. Everything he said was right. Although I don't remember missing question 8.

Finally finals...

Finished my geology final yesterday. Got a 100. It was easy since I just copied the answers from my old quizzes. Ah the ethics of an online class. What are you gonna do? I was really sweating this course before I took it. It was science and a lab. I'm not very good at science. Thankfully my professor wasn't very good at teaching. He left everything open book and had little to no contact with us.

I learned nothing, but then again this isn't what I want to go to school for. Taking this lab was just a necessary evil. So glad that is over though.

The rain finally stopped. New England has been hammered with rain for about a week now. Flooding everywhere.

I had to drive up to my wife's grandparents house in New Hampshire for mothers day. We had seen my family the week before and this was the week for her fam. I'm not too high on my mother in law. I like my wifes aunts, and her uncle by marriage but the rest I can do without. Her grandparents are nice too.

It kinda blew because the rain really fucked us up getting there. We were detoured and the detour signs just stopped.

It was then that I realized my hatred for all things New Hampshire. What a backwards fucking state. Cops detour you and the signs stop. Fuckers. Tax free...who gives a fuck?

Anyway I'm pumped about summer starting. Grass I planted is growing and I might be able to work on my yard if it stays dry out for a minute.

Hot dogs and chocolate milk.....

That is what my couch, my floor, my coffee table and my legs were covered in last night.

Not some kinky sex thing with the wife...the boy puked. It was like that scene in Stand by Me with Lard Ass at the pie eating contest. It was everywhere.

I was watching a game 3 of the 2003 ALCS (The one where Pedro throws down Don Zimmer), when the boy comes up to me and sits on my lap. He has a weird look to him. He coughs, burps, and then projectile vomits everywhere.

I get up and the dog, sensing that this is somehow food, starts licking it up. I have to run upstairs and put the boy in the shower and strip him to his diaper. I put him in the shower because that was the only place that wasnn't carpet. So the boy in his diaper comes downstairs with me as I fight off the dog and tell him to stop eating the vomit.

I get fido to go lay down. I hand the boy a Thomas the Tank Engine train and have him sit on shit spiderman chair, and then I get to the work of cleaning.

If my wife was the one home alone and not me, I would bet money she would have left it there for me to come home and deal with. She cannot deal with puke.

I found the whole thing kinda funny. After that I took the boy into the shower with me to rinse off. Only after that was I able to watch the rest of the game in peace.

By the way....I haven't seen it yet, but I think this is going to be my favorite movie of the year:

Brick

Hypocrisy....

I know this guy that judges you for life if you have ever cheated on someone, been arrested for drinking and driving, or done drugs.

He doesn't realize people fuck up and then change from it. Maybe he does, but he doesn't care.

What's funny about this guy is that in front of his wife and her friend he has no problem whipping his cock out and having her friend touch and lick it.

To him this is acceptable because his wife is in the know and is ok with it.

People fuck up. People make mistakes. I don't think it's ok to cheat on your wife. I don't think it's ok to drive if you are drunk.

I have no problem with people doing drugs, but please don't operate heavy machinery while doing it.

I just don't see why you need to put up a wall about it. I sure as shit don't know how you can have your wifes friend touch your cock in front of your wife and have any kind of moral high ground.

It's so hard to not flip out sometimes....

I was going to write today about how pissed I was that my wife didn't fill her car up with gas and had to take my car to work while I took hers. I was pissed about this because I saw yesterday that it needed gas but my wife, like always gets pissy when I bring shit like that up. So I took her car because she was running late and my car had a full tank of gas.


I was all set to write about this, but then I met an asshole at 7:45 AM.

As some or as all of you know today is a day that illegal immigrants are taking off to show how important they are to keep America running.

Anyway I get to Dunkin' Donuts (late since I was stuck in traffic after filling my wife's car up) and there is a bit of a line. It's not bad and the line is moving along.

This guy comes behinnd me and whispers knowingly.

"Well immigrant day is already ruining my day."

He was referring to the line. Ass.

This Dunks is all immigrants working there. I occassionally get a bad cup, but they always have my coffee ready. Actually on Monday and Wednesday I have my son with me, so they know I am giving a coffee to my sons godmother, and they have munchkins waiting for my son as well.

Are these people immigrants? Yes. Are they illegal? I have no idea. I don't want to get on a soapbax. Lets just say that I don't think illegals should be given a pass. That said, just because you aren't white and speak with an accent doesn't mean you are an illegal alien.

This asshole pissed me off with that comment. He said it to me with a knowing smile expecting me to come back with a nod or something lame.

I stared at him without a smile, and just turned away. He actually made his way away from me.

I am the first generation born in this country. My dad has been here since he was 16 and my mom since she was 6. Most of my family speaks with an accent. I think it's ignorant to make jokes like that.

It just really annoyed me. It's borderline racist. Stupid fucking people. No idea what they are talking about. I'm not particularly dark. I am really tan now, but normally I'm kinda pale in comparison to my family. I guess I have always passed as someone who was just American. I have never heard someone talk like that though.

This country is just fucked up. Between freedom of speech in the media becoming a joke and now anyone with an accent becoming fodder for being somehow illegal, I just don't have a good feeling about America.

Pharmaceuticals....

"The pharmacy is open!"

I heard this about 20 times in Aruba. This is code for "Yo buy drugs from me dawg!" The first time I heard it I was with my dad looking for a steak sub. My dad told me about this great steak place that was about a 45 minute bus ride from our hotel. We get there and of course the place was closed on Sunday.

Awesome.

Even better was finding out that the bus didn't show up for another hour. PoPs and I hit a bar across the street.

We met this smoking hot Chinese girl. We also found out that she was basically sold to the bar owner.

Yes folks the upcoming economic power in the 21st century still deals in slavery. She had lived in Aruba for about a year. She hated it there and missed her mother. She didn't seem overly upset, but she did seem somewhat melancholy. It took about 5 minutes to get an Amstel. She understood english, but the accent created a problem.

It was such an odd day.

A line of coke....a Camaro...and Evil Knievel's granddaughter?

I'm back.

My nose is sunburnt. Everything else is tan. Well everything except for where I wore my shorts.

Everything leading except the last tow days was great. The contact with the other family was minimal. I think they got the hint. It only took 30 years.

Most of our nights were spent at Carlos and Charlies. It wasn't until maybe 5 days into going there, did I realize that this was the last bar Natalee Holloway went to.

Let me just say, this bar has rape and murder written all over it. It is the lat bar on a dimly lit alley. There is a side alley where you can just picture someone raping or murdering someone and no one even noticing. It is mad sketchy.

Other than that though I liked it. The beers were cheap and I had a blast. The wife and I would usually go with my brother and his friends.

One night there my brother friend comes up and screams in my ear:

"I just did a line of coke with some mexicans in the bathroom"

After that nothing really surprised me.

The bar closed at 1 during the week, so we went to another bar afterwards. As the second bar was closing, my brothers friend who made nice with the mexicans was talking to a girl.

We went to grab him to let him know we were leaving. He told us he would get home on his own.

What a story.

The girl worked at the Aruban newspaper. She had a boyfriend she missed. Boyfriend was in Amsterdam. My brothers friend was in Aruba with her.

They hopped in her camaro and drove to some beach and umm enjoyed each others company until about 6 am. I'm too much of a gentleman (he fucked the shit out of her) to say what happened beyond that.

We landed on a Friday. Two of my brothers friends landed on Saturday, and the third landed on Sunday.

This last guy was a really nice guy. He used to be a model. To prove how good looking this kid was, he comes to the hotel bar, and ordered a Corona. Before he can finish his first beer, there is a bucket of Coronas sent to him from some lady.

That lady, we found out a few days later, was Evil Knieval's granddaughter. She is about 20 and is from Chicago, but lives in LA and is trying to cut an album. I made a deal with her.

If she would read my fan mail, then I would read hers.

The big draw about this chick was that she is somehow related to Adam Vinatieri. He was the kicker for the Patriots until he defected to the Colts. I tried to get her to convince him to come back, but I don't think it worked.

Well I have a ton of work to catch up on. I will write more later.

The tanning culture...

This is odd. I'm ashamed to admit this. Fuck it.

I have been tanning for the past three weeks.

I'm not proud of this. I've never done it before, but I needed to for this trip to Aruba (another reason to not want to go....damn it for emasculating me) so I wouldn't burn.

Tanning parlors are such unusual places. Old wrinkly men work there with old wrinkly women. Young smoking hot chicks who were probably fetuses when I was in high school come in wearing practically nothing.

EVERYONE is tan. Makes me wonder why they are going if they are already tan. Dudes show up. They are so excited about tanning. They walk in with their tanning lotion.

These dudes are talking to the other regulars. Talking about how the stand up one is the best, it gets them all over. The women they are talking to nod seriously and say "Yeah you need to stand up one."

Like they are discussing a cure for cancer.

I don't need an all over tan. I just need to not get burned under that fucking sun. I have a session today and tomorrow and then I am done forever.

I don't fit in with this crazy mixed up tanning culture. I just go in...rock out on the ipod for 10 minutes and get the fuck out. I feel so dirty when I leave. Even though the place is clean...people lay in those beds naked.

I don't know what else to say about it, but I feel very strongly about this. I mean if it wasn't for the hot chicks there, it would be more gay than it is. Maybe that does make it more gay. I mean a lot of gay dudes hang out with smoking hot chicks.

Why do the wrinkly old tan guys remind me of child molesters? Actually the guys my age who go so much that they know that the stand up tanner is the best remind me of child molesters too.

Those smoking hot girls are probably teenagers.....hmm.


I think every dude except me who goes tanning is a child molester.

I think I just used the transistive theory in algebra on tanning.

Go me.

If Donovan Mcnabb wasn't black he would be considered a bad quarterback....

This was the comment spoken by my uncle yesterday. The wife, boy and I spent the weekend with my folks for my birthday. Sunday kinda got away from us and we stayed later than we thought we would. During that time my aunt and uncle showed up. After a little while the men's conversation went to the great equalizer....Patriots football.

We talked about the schedule, how we were upset about the lack of moves with the team...just bullshitting.

Once we had removed the flavor from that subject, we focused on the NFL. Talking about what teams we thought were gonna make a splash.

Then we were talking about the Philadelphia Eagles. This set off my Uncle. He went on to say that Donovan Mcnabb was a horrible QB and that he only got media coverage because he was black. He said that no black QB will ever win a superbowl because they aren't smart enough. I disagreed and told him I was pretty sure that a black QB had won a superbowl. My uncle laughed and said "Well Jay I have been watching football a little longer than you have and I think I would know."

I went on to say nonetheless, Mcnabb is a bad example. He has taken his team to the NFC championship four years in a row. He is a good QB. I said if you want to talk over-rated, then I will agree that Micheal Vick is over-rated.

My uncle didn't want to hear any of it. He said that Rush Limbaugh was right. He said Mcnabb was a media darling based strictly on his race, and as a football player he was awful. He said Rush took a lot of heat for that, but he was correct nonetheless.

Some people just can't be open minded. I found that to be a very enlightening conversation.

ipod

I come home last Friday and there is a gift from the wife and the boy. I open it and it is the 2 gig ipod nano. I am very excited about this. Hugs and kisses all around. I tell them it is a great gift and I couldn't believe they thought of something so nice.

On the inside I am bullshit. I don't want the fucking 2 gig nano. If I was going to get a fucking nano I would get the 4 gig. The truth I had my heart set on the video ipod. I was planning on using my birthday money to price them out.

My wife knew this. I had said that I was going to look at ipods. She thought it would be nice to get me one. She said the 4 gig was 50 dollars more, but that it holds 1000 songs. She didn't think I would need to put 1000 songs on my ipod.

Nice of her to think that. The 2 gig is really nice. I like the ipod. I like the ipod product I should say. I was upset about not having any say in choosing it, but I am trying to be better about getting pissed about gifts. I know people have my best interest in mind, so I didn't want to flip out.

This was on Friday.

Saturday we had the birthday party. I was listening to the ipod while I cleaned the house. Works awesome. The party was a great time. I got a little drunk, and got to hang out with friends I hadn't seen in like a year.

Sunday was even better. The wife and I got to sleep in. We had breakfast, and then around noon my folks dropped the boy off. We took the boy to the park. We walked about 3 miles with him at the park.

I'm listening to the ipod the whole time. Getting used to the idea of a 2 gig ipod.

We get home and I curl up on the couch to watch TV. The wife comes in and says this:

Wife: "We're going to use your 130 dollars for the ipod right?"

Me: "What 130 dollars?"

Wife: "My grandparents gave you 30 dollars and your folks usually give you 100 dollars for your birthday."

Me: "So I have to pay for my birthday present?"

This upsets my wife.

Wife: "It was an expensive gift Jay. I only bought it because you said you were going to look at them with your birthday money. I thought since you were going to get one with your money anyway I would get it for you and you would use your money towards the bill."

Now I am fucking freaking out in my head. Just going nuts.

I am holding my tonuge, but in my head I am thinking "Well if I was going to buy one it wouldn't be the fucking 2 gig one!" I just can't believe her logic. She is acting like I should know that this is how it was going to be.

I am just pissed that I didn't tell her right away that this wasn't the one I wanted. Especially since I'm fucking paying for it! I explain to her that I said I was going to check the ipods out, and that I really wanted a video ipod.

The wife comes back with saying they are like 280 dollars. I said I was aware of that and was planning on seeing what I got for cash on the birthday. I wasn't planning on dropping cash for this. I was going to use birthday money, and when I say that, it does in no way mean that I am definitely going to buy it. It sure as shit doesn't mean buy me the cheapest version of what I want and expect me to pay for it.

So I tell her that if I couldn't get the video ipod I might get the nano, but not the 2 gig one. I said more than anything I would have liked the choice to have been mine. I told her I was pissed that I was expected to pay for a birthday present, and if that was her plan then she never should have gotten it in the first place because it was most definitely not the one I wanted.

She tells me she has never been more shocked by me than she is right now. She spends the rest of the night ignoring me.

I don't give in to the game. If she had told me on Friday I was paying for the gift I wouldn't even had opened it.

I am a week away from Aruba. I might have changed my mind at the last minute and just kept my cash for the trip, but now I was tied to this fucking ipod.

I loved the ipod, but now whenever I looked at it I got pissed because I paid for something I didn't want.

The next day the wife calls me at work. She is much more calm now. Says I can return the ipod and get the 4 gig nano. (little does she know I had already called to see if it was returnable) She says that she looked at what we could afford and the 4 gig is about it.

I say fine. I originally wanted the nano, and only after I saw my brothers 30 gig video did I want that. I only wanted it because its 30 dollars more than the 4 gig nano and it holds 26 gig more.

So now I have the nano. I am a fan, but I think I should just tell people to get me gift certificates. I don't know anyone but me who has gift problems like me.

Happy Birthday to someone....

Big three zero yesterday. I wake up and change the boys diaper. I make some breakfast and feed the dog. The wife is still in bed. I take my shower and get dressed. Say bye to the wife and the boy.

No birthday wishes.

Get to work.

There is an email from the wifes aunt wishing me a happy birthday.

That's nice, but no one from my family has yet to throw the happy bday my way.

"Surely I will be called after work."

I pick up the boy at my in laws house. They throw out the happy birthdays.

Still no word from any blood relatives of mine.

Finally I say fuck it and call my mom.

"Hey wanted to call and say thank you for the birthday wishes."

"Jay tomorrow is your birthday. Today is dad and my anniversary."

"No mom, TODAY is my birthday and tomorrow is your anniversary."

"Oh shit dad told woke me up at 5 am to wish me a happy anniversary."

"Great mom."

"Oh I'm so sorry. Happy birthday."

"Yea mom kinda takes the feeling out of it when I have to call and remind you of it."

So I'm feeling awesome after that. I get home with the boy and there are 2 messages. One from my cousin and another from my aunt. Both wishing me a happy birthday.

The good times start rolling. Then the cell rings. It's a cousin from New Jersey calling to wish me a happy birthday.

These are people I keep in touch with and see rarely, but peope I keep in touch with and see all the time forget. Let me be frank here. I let EVERYONE know when my birthday is coming up. I tell them all.

No excuse. Lazy people.

Next I call my grandmother. She remembered the bday but hit a wake earlier in the day and forgot to call.

Can't really give her shit for that one.

I give the boy dinner. He takes a bath and is in the pajamas.

He falls asleep watching Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. I am about ready to put him to bed when the phone rings.

It's my aunt. Wishing me a happy birthday. This aunt is awesome.

The wife comes home and asks if I got her text message.

Nope.

She sent me a happy bday message. Oh well.


I wasn't really pissed at anyone for not calling, but I really did enjoy busting their balls.

Hopefully tomorrow I will have time to post about the ipod saga. If not tomorrow, then definitely this week.

Party time....

It took some well placed hints to the wife, but she is throwing me a birthday party. We are having a few friends over for a cookout.

Of course that means rain tomorrow and thunderstorms.

I can't win.

Nonetheless we are sticking with the cookout theme. I am determined to have a good time. It will be a few friends I haven't seen since the holidays. I intend to be drunk.

They boy will be with my parents, so he is yet again spared from drunk Da Da.

Small favors I guess.

Two weeks from today and I will be in Aruba. I keep going back and forth about just having a good time even with the people I don't like.

Some days I think I can do it, but then a few hours later it feels like I am holding a flexed muscle for too long, and I just can't do it anymore.

I have decided that this tells me to try, but after an hour with them I will probably lose it.

This will be an interesting trip.

Comics day...

I know I have brought this up numerous times, but for some reason these people flock to me. I never take lunch. Actually the only day of the week I take a lunch break is Wednesday. That's new comic book day. I happen to work next to a Newbury Comics, so I check out the comics there. It's a stupid hobby I know. I am almost 30 and I read comics. I am in the process of getting rid of junk comics I bought in my teens....space is an issue now, but I don't care. I love reading comics.

I just don't like talking about them. I HATE HATE HATE talking about them. I hate the stereotype of the comic book reader. I hate it because it is 99% correct. It is usually an unshaven virgin unbathed man who reads comics.

Newbury Comics hired such a man.

I saw the sign a few weeks ago wanting a guy with comic book knowledge. Part of me thought about applying just for the extra cash, but I really have no time with the kid the wife and the school thing. Plus it's retail.

So I quickly forgot about it.

Last week I go to see what new comics are in. This is Jay time. Jay time is almost extinct. Jay time used to be abundant. Jay time would consist of Saturdays all alone while the wife worked until 2 PM. Jay time would be Jay getting up around 10 am and getting a comics and then getting a large Dunkin' Donuts coffee and going home and reading comics.

Jay time was glorious.

Jay time is almost gone now. Saturdays Jay is up at 6 am because that is when the boy is up. Saturdays are now filled with Thomas the Tank Engine and the mall playground, followed by naptime and then out to the park with the boy and the dog.

I don't regret the loss of that. I love my son and I love spending time with him. I love spending time with my wife as well. I love my family.

I do miss Jay time though. I miss it because it would give me the chance to recharge. Sorry about this long diatribe, but there is a point here.

So Jay time has now become 12 until 12:30 PM on Wednesday afternoons.

Last week I was robbed of that time.

The comics guy they hired decided to talk me up. He spoke in a loud voice and recommended comics to me. Unfortunately he didn't know much and was making it up as he went along. That was annoying. At first I started correcting him, but then stopped realizing that it was making the conversation longer.

There is a point of salemanship when you ask the customer if they need help with anything. If customer says "No thank you.", then you leave them alone and say "Well let me know if you need anything." Leave it at that.

This dude wouldn't stop talking comics to me. My one word monosyllabic answers were not getting through to him. I was being polite (something I am working on) but at the same time I tried to put off the vibe that I knew what I wanted and didn't need to be sold.

After about 10 minutes he offers his hand and tells me he is their comic book guy. I shake his hand and say thanks.

Then he starts to hover. I am looking at books and he is right behind me staring. I just fucking left at that point.

It's nice that he is enthusiastic. That is great, but really back off. It just set me off. I really just wanted to be left alone, and look and see what new books came in. Instead I had to play nice with some guy who just couldn't take a hint.

Kids say the darndest things....

"Oh shit!"

Ahh the boy has learned a new word. Unfortunately it's "Oh shit" and even worse, I inadvertantly taught it to him.

I had dropped some food and muttered said phrase. The boy followed suit. It took him months to say Da Da, but he says "oh shit" in like 2 seconds. Ahh human mind.

Now I've got the wife on my case about my language. I understand the need to watch what I say in front of the boy, but to me swears are just words. Obviously I don't want my year and a half old son swearing, but in the grand scheme of things it could be worse.

As I dropped him off with his godmother this morning he once again swore. I had to become "stern dad" and set the boy straight. I told him that that is a bad word and he can't say it.

The bottom lip came out and I think he got it.

Other stuff going on....


My wife ahh my wife. Last week I was wearing a black t-shirt. I saw my wife for like 30 minutes before I left for work. She gives me a kiss and says goodbye. I get to work and this dude comes up and says:

"Hey dude you have white deodorant stains all over the side of your shirt."

Thanks honey. Thanks.

I had to get a new shirt on my lunch break. Karma I guess.

Anyhow. Work continues to kick my ass. School is easy, and the trip that I am dreading gets ever closer.

Until next time...

Work is kicking my ass....

Hence the no new posts. I am working on a huge project right now and will be busy for the next few days. I hope to get this under control soon.

Woke up this morning and got yourself a gun....

Fucking Sopranos coming back.

Very excited. I love all genres, but two if done right stick out.....Mob and Western. Two shining examples of these are The Sopranos and Deadwood.

Brilliant shows, just brilliant. Bad guys who you root for teach the audience a lesson in confusion and moral ambiguity. Showing bad guy doesn't necessarily mean evil. Fuck I love those shows.


Sopranos has definitely been off the past few seasons, but I have high hopes.

The posting has been erratic, because much like my fellow blogger Kitkat, few people have been pissing me off.

The only real annoyance lately has been the boy. He is hitting that terrible two stage and him and I are dancing a dance I see going well into his teens.

He knows mommy loves him and hates when he cries, so when daddy disciplines him he runs to mommy. Then the little shit stares at me with the "That's right motherfucker I got you." stare.

I would be lying if part of me wasn't proud that he at one and a half was smart enough to realize how to try to play my wife and I against each other. On the other hand I am the boys father, and I cannot tolerate that behavior.

So the wife and I had a sit down. (mob reference) She was brought up much differently than I was. Her parents were very calm people, rarely yelled....rarely were spanked and it shows. I on the other hand would be pulled by my ears if I misbehaved and had the shit kicked out of my dad and his baseball mittlike hands.

I'm not for smacking a little boy around, but a slap on the wrist is a good way to let him know I mean business. I am all for the wifes way of talking to the boy, but when talk fails I stick with what works. I don't like the idea of a time out, because eventually the kid will say "oh I just have to wait 5 minutes and then I can go and misbehave again." My wife has a brother who is 10 or 11 and I don't like what I see as a result of that method.

I think kids are not stupid, but they aren't focused. They need some discipline or else they are gonna run wild. I hate seeing kids who don't know how to play, or don't listen to their parents.

These small steps are my way of making sure that the boy never grows up to be like that.

My run in with an Arab...

I admit I lost it. I just went nuts. Let me start from the beginning....


The big 3-0 is fast approaching and in trying to be a responsible husband and father I though it time to make physicals an annual thing. I set up an appointment for Friday at 3:45. I pull up and park my car at the doctors office. In front of my car is another row of parked cars, and about three cars over in that row a car is backing out.

So I wait in my car for this guy to back out.

He is backing up.

Still backing up.

His rear end is turned and getting closer to my car.

Surely he sees the car he is about to hit.

He hits my car.

He drives away.


Seeing him drive away set off a switch in my head. I jump out of my car and chase his car through the parking lot. Screaming like a madman.

I catch up to his car just before he leaves the parking lot. At this point I had no idea who was driving, just that I was pissed off. I get to the car and its a little Arab dude with sunglasses that have diamond on them. Since he is driving a busted up Corrolla I assume the diamonds are fake. The exchange when I catch up to him and make him roll down his window:

Me: "What the fuck is your problem man?"

Small Arab Man (AKA S.A.M.): "What do you mean?"

Me: "You just hit my fucking car asshole! You hit it and then drive away?"

S.A.M.: "What car? What car did I hit?"

As an aside this set me off even more. My car was in plain view as the only car he could have hit and to top it off my car did move when he struck it so I know he was lying.

Me: "What car? The red car...the only fucking car you could have possibly hit. My fucking car asshole! That's the fucking car you hit."

S.A.M.: "Oh I didn't see it. I didn't know I hit your car."

Me: "Fuck you, you knew. My car fucking moved."

S.A.M.: "Oh I'm sorry."

Me: "Watch where you are fucking going dick."

In truth there was no damage to my car. He was backing up so slowly there couldn't have been. It was seeing him try to take off that set me off. I lost it. The fact that someone would be so cowardly as to hit someone's car. Even a light tap. The balls to think you can just leave. I lost it. I was shaking after that. I've rarely gone off on someone like that. I wasn't going to hit him, but him denying that he didn't know he hit me made me so fucking mad.

So when I went for my physical I had to rather sheepishly let the nurse and my doctor know:

"Hey doc if for some reason my blood pressure is up or my heart rate is accelerated, well I just tore some guy a new asshole in your parking lot and I am little fired up as a result of it."

That was awkward.