"Hey honey lets be guests on Maury Povich's show." You just know your life is over. Not only that but that should be a real clue that you are possibly one of the dumbest people alive.
Dude you are white and your kid is black! What kind of friends let this happen. How come no one steps up and is like "Umm Roy...you do notice that you and your wife are both blond right? Well how come the little tyke is darker than a solar eclipse?"My faith in humanity continues to waver....
Friday, June 23, 2006
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Casualty of war...
I'm screaming at my wife to get the boy and hide inside. She isn't listening and we are slowly being surrounded. I'm telling her I can only fight a few more off before I get taken down. I'm trying to buy time for her to get to safety and then I'll be in the house.
In typical broad fashion she doesn't listen. It's on her so fast I have no chance to get there in time. I pull it off her and cut it's head off.
I look to my wife. My face drops.
It's too late, she's a zombie.
I leave her behind and run into the house. I lock the doors. I grab the boy off of the couch and take him upstairs. Our dog follows. With my trusty ax I destroy the stairs. The zombies can't eat what they can't reach.
We have enough food to last us a long time. I'm prepared. I only wish my wife has listened. We could have survived this together......
Then I woke up. I woke up sore and relieved that I was not fighting a zombie invasion and defending my 2 year old son and dog, all the while grieving over a zombified wife that I would probably have to kill.
I'm sore because I've been lifting weights. Damn it hurts to get back into that.
I'm dreaming of how to defend myself from a zombie invasion because my wife and son got me
"The Zombie Survival Guide : Complete Protection from the Living Dead" for father's day. Such a great book and written totally straight. It's written by one of my idol's, Mel Brooks, son Max.
I'm happy to tell you that even with my wife being eaten by zombies I was able to keep a clear enough head and save my son and my dog and get to higher ground. I then followed the rules and destroyed the stairs so the living dead would have no way to get to me.
That book may have just saved my life....
In typical broad fashion she doesn't listen. It's on her so fast I have no chance to get there in time. I pull it off her and cut it's head off.
I look to my wife. My face drops.
It's too late, she's a zombie.
I leave her behind and run into the house. I lock the doors. I grab the boy off of the couch and take him upstairs. Our dog follows. With my trusty ax I destroy the stairs. The zombies can't eat what they can't reach.
We have enough food to last us a long time. I'm prepared. I only wish my wife has listened. We could have survived this together......
Then I woke up. I woke up sore and relieved that I was not fighting a zombie invasion and defending my 2 year old son and dog, all the while grieving over a zombified wife that I would probably have to kill.
I'm sore because I've been lifting weights. Damn it hurts to get back into that.
I'm dreaming of how to defend myself from a zombie invasion because my wife and son got me
"The Zombie Survival Guide : Complete Protection from the Living Dead" for father's day. Such a great book and written totally straight. It's written by one of my idol's, Mel Brooks, son Max.
I'm happy to tell you that even with my wife being eaten by zombies I was able to keep a clear enough head and save my son and my dog and get to higher ground. I then followed the rules and destroyed the stairs so the living dead would have no way to get to me.
That book may have just saved my life....
Monday, June 19, 2006
Why can't he dance?
This was on the MSN homepage this morning. Women have no clue and the dude who wrote this is obviously gay. My comments in italics.
It’s a stark fact of the dating world that the number of guys who know how to dance is inversely proportional to the number of gals who want to be twirled across a parquet floor—and that even among the guys who know how to dance, the number who actually want to dance (rather than, say, sit at the bar and watch the Mets game) is, John Travolta excepted, a relatively teensy fraction.
Why should this be so? Speaking on behalf of my fellow men, I’d say dancing in public is the most exposed thing a guy can do, short of hauling a mattress out to the nearest four-way intersection and engaging in you-know-what. But there are some subtle ways you can ease your guy out of his favorite armchair and onto a crowded dance floor. To wit:
Cater to his musical tastes. “My husband is picky about the music he’ll dance to,” says Py Kim Conant, author of Sex Secrets of an American Geisha. “It has to be 60’s, 70’s, or 80’s rock-and-roll. I can dance to anything, so instead of waiting for his kind of music, I go out on the dance floor and dance alone or with a group of people. When he sees how much I enjoy dancing without him, he’s sure to make his move when they do start playing the Rolling Stones or the Bee Gees.”
You are a whore. The man you are with doesn't write in to a website about why you don't blow him everyday. Learn who you started dating.
Buy him a video game.Thanks to the wonders of technology, your guy can now learn to dance without having to leave his 200-square-foot basement apartment. For example, the game Dance Dance Revolution (for PlayStation 2, Xbox and computer) comes with a dance pad that connects to his PC or game console and an assortment of bouncy pop and techno tunes. The person playing the game has to follow the footsteps to dance proficiency. If your boyfriend is the type who’d rather stay home and play Grand Theft Auto than squire you to the local club, this can be a good way to kill two virtual birds with one stone.
If my wife bought me a videogame of how to to dance I would whip my cock out and make her blow me while I played videogames. Actually I just might make her do that anyway....
Go back to school.Probably for the same reason they refuse to stop and ask for directions, many men are reluctant to admit that they simply don’t know how to shake their booty. If you suspect this is the case, surprise your beau with an enrollment for two in a swing-dancing (or samba, or tango) class. Even if you were Miss Salsa 2002, pretending to pick up all the right moves at the same time that he does is a great way to soothe his prickly ego and coax him out to the local club.
Dance class? BJ class!! It's a great way to soothe my prick!
Rent a movie.Kathryn Alice, relationship coach and author of Love Will Find You, raves about the Will Smith movie Hitch as a get-up-and-get-dancing tool. “In one scene, Hitch, a dating coach, demonstrates the basic dance a guy can do so as not to look stupid. It's a kind of side-to-side rocking, with hands on your hips and elbows bent. It's a perfect illustration of how to get away with dancing when you don’t really know how, and the movie also has a great message—that sometimes looking like a dork on the dance floor can be the best thing for your love life.”
How about we rent a movie that shows you how to swallow a hog? I'm sure it's one we will both love. I know I will....now get on your knees.
Be careful what you wish for. So your guy is schooled, groomed, and raring to go. Look out! He may be too eager to show off his not yet fully refined moves. “Once my boyfriend and I were at a New Year's dance, and there was this fantastic swing-dance couple out on the floor,” says Lisa from New York. “The crowd parted to watch their skill. My boyfriend decided to get a little crowd of his own going and did this odd dance, a cross between break dancing, tap dancing and an Irish jig. I could have sunk into the floor.”
Your boyfriend is gay.
Ladies,
If we are with you even though you don't suck a mean dick, we are with you because we love you. Don't fucking expect us to dance.
Sincerely,
Men
It’s a stark fact of the dating world that the number of guys who know how to dance is inversely proportional to the number of gals who want to be twirled across a parquet floor—and that even among the guys who know how to dance, the number who actually want to dance (rather than, say, sit at the bar and watch the Mets game) is, John Travolta excepted, a relatively teensy fraction.
Why should this be so? Speaking on behalf of my fellow men, I’d say dancing in public is the most exposed thing a guy can do, short of hauling a mattress out to the nearest four-way intersection and engaging in you-know-what. But there are some subtle ways you can ease your guy out of his favorite armchair and onto a crowded dance floor. To wit:
Cater to his musical tastes. “My husband is picky about the music he’ll dance to,” says Py Kim Conant, author of Sex Secrets of an American Geisha. “It has to be 60’s, 70’s, or 80’s rock-and-roll. I can dance to anything, so instead of waiting for his kind of music, I go out on the dance floor and dance alone or with a group of people. When he sees how much I enjoy dancing without him, he’s sure to make his move when they do start playing the Rolling Stones or the Bee Gees.”
You are a whore. The man you are with doesn't write in to a website about why you don't blow him everyday. Learn who you started dating.
Buy him a video game.Thanks to the wonders of technology, your guy can now learn to dance without having to leave his 200-square-foot basement apartment. For example, the game Dance Dance Revolution (for PlayStation 2, Xbox and computer) comes with a dance pad that connects to his PC or game console and an assortment of bouncy pop and techno tunes. The person playing the game has to follow the footsteps to dance proficiency. If your boyfriend is the type who’d rather stay home and play Grand Theft Auto than squire you to the local club, this can be a good way to kill two virtual birds with one stone.
If my wife bought me a videogame of how to to dance I would whip my cock out and make her blow me while I played videogames. Actually I just might make her do that anyway....
Go back to school.Probably for the same reason they refuse to stop and ask for directions, many men are reluctant to admit that they simply don’t know how to shake their booty. If you suspect this is the case, surprise your beau with an enrollment for two in a swing-dancing (or samba, or tango) class. Even if you were Miss Salsa 2002, pretending to pick up all the right moves at the same time that he does is a great way to soothe his prickly ego and coax him out to the local club.
Dance class? BJ class!! It's a great way to soothe my prick!
Rent a movie.Kathryn Alice, relationship coach and author of Love Will Find You, raves about the Will Smith movie Hitch as a get-up-and-get-dancing tool. “In one scene, Hitch, a dating coach, demonstrates the basic dance a guy can do so as not to look stupid. It's a kind of side-to-side rocking, with hands on your hips and elbows bent. It's a perfect illustration of how to get away with dancing when you don’t really know how, and the movie also has a great message—that sometimes looking like a dork on the dance floor can be the best thing for your love life.”
How about we rent a movie that shows you how to swallow a hog? I'm sure it's one we will both love. I know I will....now get on your knees.
Be careful what you wish for. So your guy is schooled, groomed, and raring to go. Look out! He may be too eager to show off his not yet fully refined moves. “Once my boyfriend and I were at a New Year's dance, and there was this fantastic swing-dance couple out on the floor,” says Lisa from New York. “The crowd parted to watch their skill. My boyfriend decided to get a little crowd of his own going and did this odd dance, a cross between break dancing, tap dancing and an Irish jig. I could have sunk into the floor.”
Your boyfriend is gay.
Ladies,
If we are with you even though you don't suck a mean dick, we are with you because we love you. Don't fucking expect us to dance.
Sincerely,
Men
Friday, June 16, 2006
Superhero Top Guns
Its been one of those weeks. I have a ton of ideas to blog about but just didn't have the time to write them. Next week should be better. In the meantime this cracked me up. My buddy Ryan loves Top Gun and doesn't see the gayness in the volleyball scene. Hopefully this will clear it up....
Its been one of those weeks. I have a ton of ideas to blog about but just didn't have the time to write them. Next week should be better. In the meantime this cracked me up. My buddy Ryan loves Top Gun and doesn't see the gayness in the volleyball scene. Hopefully this will clear it up....
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Work people....
God how I cannot stand the fake shit that goes on around my office. The bullshit, fakeness. All of it. I get the bulk of my work from the many project managers at my company. One project manager hardly sends me any work. The end result of their job is to send me the work. So by me not getting the work from him, it tells me he does very little work.
What he does do is kiss some serious ass. I'm not an ass kisser. It's not in me. This guy lives for it. He is always "so busy" helping out the VP or some shit like that when in reality he does nothing but acts like he is swamped.
I just knew he was going to get ahead. I knew it.
Him and I do not get along at all. I mean you could never tell if you saw us together because we do, after all have to work together. He is too much of an ass kisser to try something directly. Instead he works discreetly.
One thing I can hold my head high about is the quality of my work. When it came time for reviews my boss thought to include the project managers. He had them all do an evaluation of me. Now all of them gave me high marks. One of them came over to me and told me that the kiss ass said something along the lines of "Well if I had one thing to say Jay could improve upon it would be his assertiveness to find the answers to a problem."
Quick basic description of one of my job duties. I have to do technical and quality testing for new countries that my company wants to terminate telephone calls to. So when I get a request to do that there is a bunch of stuff I need to do. One of the things I need is the dial pattern for said country. This is not because I can't find the country dial pattern, but because these tests are usually for specific cities and or cellular numbers. In short they are a specific dial pattern.
Fucko the kiss ass sends me tests for Mexico. Well Mexico is a big fucking country so I ask for the dial pattern he wants tested.
This is the assertiveness he wants me to improve upon. Fucking cockstain.
So the review comes and my boss has good things to say about me, until he brings up almost word for word the comment from that asshole.
I cut him off and say "I know who said it and let me say that that this guy needs to realize that I can in fact find country codes on my own, but do you want me testing Mexico city for a route that is Guadalajara?"
This is trivial to the world at large I know, but this fuck pisses me off. My boss saw my side and made a note of it.
Then something glorious happened. Before I worked in the department I'm in now I worked in the circuit provisioning department. My boss there was awesome. Approachable guy and a boss that would stand by you.
He got a promotion. He became my director and my bosses boss. Also a new position opened up. This job was to become the manager of the project management team.
So my old boss who is my new director asks to meet with me. We haven't spoken in awhile and he is going to meet with everyone but starts with me.
We shoot the shit. This guy is great. The type of guy you want to work for. You just don't want to let him down.* We then talk about work and he asks me what I think about this management position.
I know he isn't asking because he wants me to take it, so I tell him straight out.
"I have a feeling the ass kisser wants it and I think if you give it to him I think you are making a huge mistake."
He asks me why and I just tell him that I can work with people I don't like and I most definitely do not like this guy, but it would create more problems for you if you promote him. He does as little as possible but makes all of the executives think that the company would fail without him. He is a PM but out of all the PM's I get the least amount to do from him. If he is as busy as he says then this shouldn't be the case. I tell him I think that he will do less work if he gets the job and it will breed resentment from the people working for him.
He looks at me and says "Yep, that's exactly what I felt too. Thanks."
So a few days later there is an email sent out that this other guy who busts his ass got the job.
I smiled. I knew it would only be a matter of time.
Three weeks later that lazy fuck sends an email out saying he has taken a new position in a new department. I knew he couldn't work in our group when he was passed over.
Happy happy joy joy!
Now when people leave the company for another job they usually send an email out saying they are leaving. I don't get it but I guess I can see it as a way to pass on your contact information.
They also usually go cube to cube to say goodbye. This is very awkward for me. I have no idea what to say to them.
So not only does this fucker send the email out, but yesterday he goes cube to cube to say goodbye.
The dude isn't leaving the company!! He is going down a short hill to the other building we have. I could jog there in 2 minutes and I don't even jog!!
So as he neared my cube I left and went to Dunks.
God I'm so glad he is gone.
*I had to stop right there because it seemed like I was gay for my boss.
What he does do is kiss some serious ass. I'm not an ass kisser. It's not in me. This guy lives for it. He is always "so busy" helping out the VP or some shit like that when in reality he does nothing but acts like he is swamped.
I just knew he was going to get ahead. I knew it.
Him and I do not get along at all. I mean you could never tell if you saw us together because we do, after all have to work together. He is too much of an ass kisser to try something directly. Instead he works discreetly.
One thing I can hold my head high about is the quality of my work. When it came time for reviews my boss thought to include the project managers. He had them all do an evaluation of me. Now all of them gave me high marks. One of them came over to me and told me that the kiss ass said something along the lines of "Well if I had one thing to say Jay could improve upon it would be his assertiveness to find the answers to a problem."
Quick basic description of one of my job duties. I have to do technical and quality testing for new countries that my company wants to terminate telephone calls to. So when I get a request to do that there is a bunch of stuff I need to do. One of the things I need is the dial pattern for said country. This is not because I can't find the country dial pattern, but because these tests are usually for specific cities and or cellular numbers. In short they are a specific dial pattern.
Fucko the kiss ass sends me tests for Mexico. Well Mexico is a big fucking country so I ask for the dial pattern he wants tested.
This is the assertiveness he wants me to improve upon. Fucking cockstain.
So the review comes and my boss has good things to say about me, until he brings up almost word for word the comment from that asshole.
I cut him off and say "I know who said it and let me say that that this guy needs to realize that I can in fact find country codes on my own, but do you want me testing Mexico city for a route that is Guadalajara?"
This is trivial to the world at large I know, but this fuck pisses me off. My boss saw my side and made a note of it.
Then something glorious happened. Before I worked in the department I'm in now I worked in the circuit provisioning department. My boss there was awesome. Approachable guy and a boss that would stand by you.
He got a promotion. He became my director and my bosses boss. Also a new position opened up. This job was to become the manager of the project management team.
So my old boss who is my new director asks to meet with me. We haven't spoken in awhile and he is going to meet with everyone but starts with me.
We shoot the shit. This guy is great. The type of guy you want to work for. You just don't want to let him down.* We then talk about work and he asks me what I think about this management position.
I know he isn't asking because he wants me to take it, so I tell him straight out.
"I have a feeling the ass kisser wants it and I think if you give it to him I think you are making a huge mistake."
He asks me why and I just tell him that I can work with people I don't like and I most definitely do not like this guy, but it would create more problems for you if you promote him. He does as little as possible but makes all of the executives think that the company would fail without him. He is a PM but out of all the PM's I get the least amount to do from him. If he is as busy as he says then this shouldn't be the case. I tell him I think that he will do less work if he gets the job and it will breed resentment from the people working for him.
He looks at me and says "Yep, that's exactly what I felt too. Thanks."
So a few days later there is an email sent out that this other guy who busts his ass got the job.
I smiled. I knew it would only be a matter of time.
Three weeks later that lazy fuck sends an email out saying he has taken a new position in a new department. I knew he couldn't work in our group when he was passed over.
Happy happy joy joy!
Now when people leave the company for another job they usually send an email out saying they are leaving. I don't get it but I guess I can see it as a way to pass on your contact information.
They also usually go cube to cube to say goodbye. This is very awkward for me. I have no idea what to say to them.
So not only does this fucker send the email out, but yesterday he goes cube to cube to say goodbye.
The dude isn't leaving the company!! He is going down a short hill to the other building we have. I could jog there in 2 minutes and I don't even jog!!
So as he neared my cube I left and went to Dunks.
God I'm so glad he is gone.
*I had to stop right there because it seemed like I was gay for my boss.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
A victim of too much free time....
I work best under pressure. During the fall, winter and spring I get a lot done. I have to work during the day, take the boy to the babysitter and deal with school. Summer is here and I am done with classes for a few months. My mom works for a college so she is off during the summer and takes the boy for two days a week.
I've written a bunch of chores for myself, but have barely started on them. The reason is these chores don't have to get done. They should get done but there are no consequences if it doesn't. Basically it's on me.
I'm not such a great self motivator in that regard. I need to get my ass in gear though. I need to repaint the windows on the outside of my house. I definitely need to repaint my bathroom once I get on the roof and re-caulk around the skylights.
I've been trying to work on my yard, but the weather hasn't been cooperating. I've planted grass and have been watering it. It's growing pretty well I guess.
So much to do. I need to light a fire under my ass. I mean I think it's ok to be a little lazy from time to time. This is really the only time of the year where I get a night just for me. The bo is taken on a Tuesday morning and doesn't come home until Wednesday around 4. The wife isn't home from work until 9 or so on Tuesday.
Having the house to myself is awesome. I love it. Of course I need to stop vegging out on halk life 2 and get some work done, but i've almost beaten the game and can get to work.
I need to.
I've written a bunch of chores for myself, but have barely started on them. The reason is these chores don't have to get done. They should get done but there are no consequences if it doesn't. Basically it's on me.
I'm not such a great self motivator in that regard. I need to get my ass in gear though. I need to repaint the windows on the outside of my house. I definitely need to repaint my bathroom once I get on the roof and re-caulk around the skylights.
I've been trying to work on my yard, but the weather hasn't been cooperating. I've planted grass and have been watering it. It's growing pretty well I guess.
So much to do. I need to light a fire under my ass. I mean I think it's ok to be a little lazy from time to time. This is really the only time of the year where I get a night just for me. The bo is taken on a Tuesday morning and doesn't come home until Wednesday around 4. The wife isn't home from work until 9 or so on Tuesday.
Having the house to myself is awesome. I love it. Of course I need to stop vegging out on halk life 2 and get some work done, but i've almost beaten the game and can get to work.
I need to.