This amuses me....

Director Lee said he was gratified at the reception both homosexual and heterosexual audiences have given "Brokeback Mountain," which has proven a steady box-office draw across the country.
"I didn't know there were so many gay people out there. Everywhere, they turn up," Lee said.


Really, what else is there to say?

Is Paris Hilton Batman?

This occurred to me last night. Bruce Wayne....the man behind the Batman mask pretends to be a playboy who doesn't care about anything. He acts totally vapid and clueless.

Remind you of anyone?

Of course Bruce Wayne never went to court over a sex tape being released.....

Ok it's not a perfect fit but it could happen. If anyone could be a Batman type it would be Paris Hilton. She has the money to afford the gadgets...of course she has the brain of a mentally retarded fetus.

Hmm maybe this wasn't very well thought out. Well she is physically fit. Hell people in Ethiopia would probably call her fat.


Yea I guess I was wrong. I must have been drinking.

Sorry about that.

Ice skating...

On Monday my wife and I flipped to Fox about 5 minutes before 24 started. We caught the ass end of "Skating with celebrities".

Now all obvious jokes about this aside...my wife asked me if I knew who one of the male ice skaters were. My reply:

"Sorry honey, I'm heterosexual. I don't know anything about ice skating."

"Why does it matter if your heterosexual? Being heterosexual means you can't know about ice skaters?"

"That's exactly what it means. Straight dudes do not watch ice skating. Straight dudes do not know anything about ice skating."

"I just know you have a lot of useless knowledge and thought you might know."

"My useless knowledge boundaries stop at ice skating."

She wasn't pleased. I find this funny that she was so annoyed by this. Sure I came across as smug, but what did she expect?

Straight guys don't know about ice skating. There is nothing manly about it. It's ballroom dancing on ice!

I asked some of my friends about this. All agreed.

Let this be a message to the ladies.

Straight guys do not know anything about ice skating.

I don't need help monitoring content for my child...

I hate telemarketers. I hate a lot of things. People usually say hate is a strong word and I don't mean that.


I'm a fairly smart person. I understand what the word hate means. I know how strong a word it is.

That said, I HATE telemarketers.

I get a call at 7:30 last night. Why call my house at 7:30? I have a kid who is fighting me on sleep and I hate talking on the phone....that is unless you are a telemarketer....

Me: Hello? Hello? (Telemarketers use automated calling machines so it takes about 3 seconds for someone to realize the called party has answered)

Telemarketer (who sounds like a pissed off homo): HELLLOO?

Me: Yea hello.

TM: May I speak with the lady of the house?

Me: Who is this?

TM: I am calling from a charity about monitoring the content for children under the age of 16.

Me: My wife isn't here.

TM: I'll call back later.

At this point I'm intrigued and feel like messing with this guy. I don't need a group to monitor the content for my kid. I can change a channel with the best of them if there is something on I don't think my kid should be seeing, but I find people like this amusing.

Me: Wait a second I'm a father as well. Lets talk about this....

TM: I need to speak to the lady of the house, I'll call back later.

Me: Listen my man don't talk over me. I'm a father, why do you need to speak to my wife?

TM: We're not asking for money we are a charity organization. I'll call back later.

Me: You really don't have to.

TM: Fine.

Now why would they need to speak to my wife? Why wouldn't either parent do? Seems rather sexist huh?

Appeal to my wifes' maternal instincts to protect her child as opposed to my paternal ones? I found that very interesting. I tried to engage this guy. I tried to tell him I can change the channel for my kid if there is something offensive. (By the way I NEVER do this. The boy and I watched season 1 of the Sopranos when it was just him and I on my first week of vacation. He loved it.)

Ahh well. I guess the do not call list does not work huh?

Snow Day!!!

I am working from home today. It's snowing outside and I decided to work from home. Last time it snowed I was the only one in my group who went into the office. It took me 4 hours to drive home.

Fuck that noise.

I'll work from home. It's kind of a pain in the ass cuz the boy tends to be a little clingy. I'll pop in his Winnie the Pooh DVD and all should be good.

One good thing though. I work from 7 am to 3:30 PM. My boss knows this. He scheduled a meeting from 3-4 pm. Shit like that pisses me off.

So now I will dial into the meeting.

It all works out.

An open letter to old people...

Dear Old People,

Congratulations on working out at your age! Nothing like keeping the old ticker pumping and looking good....or what passes for good for someone approaching the century mark.

Now that aside we need to talk. Specifically we need to talk about how you dress. I went to get my coffee today and there was one of your geriatric army running in place. There is no problem with that. The problem was the attire. This man was wearing spandex. He was pushing 66 wearing spandex. Oh and he was sweaty. Not just sweaty on his face. He was sweating from his ass THROUGH THE SPANDEX!

That is fucking disgusting.

Old people....you need to realize you are old. When you sweat through spandex on your ass it looks like you pissed yourself. We don't need to see that. No one does. Even old people don't want to see that.

So please as a favor to us and yourselves....avoid spandex and sweat.

It's an ugly combination.


Regards,

-The Rest of the World

Interview with a superhero from Lying in the Gutters.

So apparently Indianapolis has two vigilantes. Well considering they don't have much of a football team I guess anything is possible.

Mr Silent agreed to be interviewed by Lying In The Gutters. I started by asking if he was part of Grant Morrison's prediction, when he started writing "New X-Men," that we would start to see real superheroes in the next few years - and what led the JSJ to don costumes to fight crime rather than become volunteer police.

MR SILENT: Superheroes have been a part of the American psyche for some time now, I was especially touched by them. I just think that having the traditional police job is not for everyone. There is also a need for superheroes. People want something to believe in. I would rather it be a superhero than a villian.

LITG: I'm sure that's true for all of us - but what's your success on the streets been so far?

MR SILENT: There have actually been very few events so far. This is probably because we live in Indianapolis. The police do a very good job of keeping the crime rate low. We have prevented one crime so far, there we some people messing with little old lady and we appeared and they walked away. I don't think they were prepared for that kind of shock. We have also had confrontations with people who want to start fights or take off my mask. We don't mainly look for criminals. We are more focused on finding people to save. If that person needs saved from a mugger or rapist, then so be it. We also only fight violent crimes. Property crimes don't concern us as of yet. We also don't concern ourselves with drugs. Just the crimes where someone is going to get hurt.

LITG: So what is your official legal situation - have you had any reaction from traditional law keepers?

MR SILENT: As far as the police are concerned, we hardly exist. They will usually drive by with out looking at us or they sometimes even wave.

LITG: And could your very presence create an equal and opposite - super villains?

MR SILENT: We have thought about the question of super villains long and hard. What we have decided is that it is most likely going to happen. I think the Universe will have to balance itself. If there are superheroes eventually someone is going to decide to get some press too. Except they will not have benevolent intentions. When that day comes we will be ready for them.

LITG: Really? One common comment on message boards is that you'll likely find yourselves seriously wounded or killed. Is this a worry for you?

MR SILENT: In my opinion, I'm going to die anyway. Might as well leave a good looking corpse. Even if said corpse has a superhero costume on. We are also very careful.

LITG: Your "Mr Silent" identity reminds me of characters such as Big Ben, Silver Surfer, and the Droogs from Clockwork Orange. Do you have any specific influences in terms of superhero style?

MR SILENT: I would have to say I'm kind of influenced by Rorschach from "Watchmen." Even then, only a little. I do get the Clockwork Orange thing a lot.

LITG: I wonder why… have any of the inner conflicts common in the superhero fictions come true for you?

MR SILENT: I can only speak for myself on this one. I don't really have any inner conflicts which induced me to become super. I mainly liked superheroes and decided it was about time we had some. I knew that someone had to take that first step. I do keep my identity secret in order to protect my family and friends. Other than Doktor DiscorD, no one in the entire world know who I am. I imagine that when I am too old for the superhero thing that I will retire and reveal myself to the world. Maybe not though. People are always trying to find out who is beneath the mask. They are not very likely to find out though. I do not really talk about superheroes in my regular life. I figure if I say anything someone might remember it later.

LITG: Thank you, Mr Silent. Do keep us up to date with further events, or any psychological revelations.

MR SILENT: Thank you for your time. I hope your readers are satisfied with this. Good luck to you in everything you do.
We hope to ask Doktor DiscorD similar questions in the near future.

My brother is the family baby and shitbag...

So I went to my folks house this weekend to watch the Patriots end their season in the playoffs. During the football season my brother and his friends go there as well to watch the games. Now I have mentioned that the boy isn't sleeping well. My brother knows this. So the boy is asleep by 8pm right around kickoff.

His friends come over and are screaming with every play. I ask em to keep it down because the kid is sleeping.

My brother: "I know he is sleeping but come on..it's football"

This is my sons uncle talking. Fucking dick.

They get louder again I ask them to quiet down. Again he gives me the "It's football." line. I don't mind people talking or even talking in loud voices but people are screaming.

Then the kid wakes up.
SCREAMING. He sounds like someone tried to kill him.

Obviously a bunch of guys yelling at the top of their voices can frighten a child of one and a half years.

My wife tries to calm him down and get him to go back to sleep. Again I tell my brother to keep it down and he says. "Well he's up anyway now."

Fucking dick. I wanted to kill him. I go to see my son and I hear him say:

"Does he want us to write on notepads?" I grab my wife and say lets go home. It's about 10 pm now and a 90 mile ride home. I am so pissed at this point. Inconsiderate fuck.

Of course my folks don't say a word and my mom actually defends him. She says I would have done the same thing if it was me. I am livid right now.

My mom thinks I would actually mouth off if my niece or nephew was trying to sleep and not give a fuck if the kid woke up.

My mom has no clue. She thinks that I wouldn't tell my friends to keep it down so a baby could sleep.
My brother is a big old pussy of a mama's boy.

My kid was up til 1 am. I am still pissed.

Some things can't be ignored....

Remember that saying about Hitler?

First he came for the gypsy's and I said nothing because I wasn't a gypsy.

Then he came for the blacks and I said nothing because I wasn't black.

When he came for me there was no one left to say anything.

Well this is sort of like that.

My wife is 28. She has a brother who is 26 and a sister who is 23. She also has a little brother who is 11.

Her parents are getting separated. It's an amicable break up. Everyone is ok with it expcept my wifes brother.

Not the 11 year old. The 26 year old. He stopped talking to his parents. I don't understand that reaction. Hear is a guy who is 26 and lives on his own. He only saw his parents on holidays. His living situation doesn't change as a result of this but he is not talking to them.

As someone who didn't speak to his folks for a few years I can't talk, but my reasons were different. I can respect that he doesn't want to talk to them.

The thing I can't respect is him not paying a bill. When he was in college his dad took out a loan for him with the understanding that the son would pay it off. Unfortunately it is in my father in laws name and my brother in law is under no legal obligation to pay it. So now he just stopped paying it. My father in law called him and he never called back. He sent him the letters he was getting and still my brother in law never wrote back or paid it.

Now my brother in law has a good job. He is able to go away on vacations. He can pay this off.

Finally over the summer my father in law got a letter saying that his wages were going to be garnished. He called my wife. She went nuts and called her brother. She asked him what he was doing not paying this bill. She explained that he said he would pay the loan when his dad took it out. My brother in law responded with:

"Well I guess some contracts are harder to break than others."

I like my father in law a lot. He has been screwed over a few times and I feel bad for him. For his son to say something like that....well lets just say that if my brother in law was in front of me when he said that I would have kicked his ass.

Suffice it to say my wife tore him a new asshole. She mentioned that if her dads wages were garnished then how would he support her little brother? That seemed to hit home for him. He said he would take care of the loan.

He did.

For one payment. Then he stopped paying it again. This is my wifes brother and my sons uncle, so he is welcome in my house as long as my wife wants him there. Him and I were really close too. We share a lot of the same interests. I considered him a really close friend.

Since then I have stopped talking to him. Oh I'll be civil with him at family gatherings and not ignore him, but I stopped talking to him outside of them. I stopped answering his calls and emails. I was telling my wifes sister about this.

She asked why I would do that. She said it had nothing to do with me. I explained to her like I had explained to my wife when she asked me.

"It's like being friends with the school bully. He kicks everyones ass for no reason, but he is nice to you. Even though he hasn't done anything to you, what he is doing is wrong and after awhile you can't abide it." My wife understood, but I don't think my sister in law did.

Listen I don't want conflict at all. I hate confrontation, but this is something that pisses me off. If he was my son I would call 3 times. If I didn't get a reply by the third time I would go to his house. If he blew me off I would kick his ass. I'm not kidding. He would be beaten so bad that he would be begging me to take his money.

If the check didn't come the next month I would go back and do it again. The thing that scares me about this kid and this is me thinking very far out of the box.

If my wife and I ever got separated and for some reason my son asked his uncle for advice....would he tell my son to fuck me over like he has fucked his family over?

Probably not beacause I don't plan on getting divorced and my son would know that he would get the shit kicked out of him if he even thought about doing that.

The point is what my brother in law is doing is wrong. No one wants to talk about it, but I can't keep it bottled up anymore. I know like maybe 2 people read this blog and this isn't why I wrote it. I wrote it because it needed writing. I needed to get it out.

My father in law tore his ACL at work and has to go on workmans comp. He has to now pay this loan or he is screwed.

My brother in law just got back from Vegas.

Life is funny sometimes huh?

I'm at war...

With my son. The boy refuses to sleep in his bed. He will jump up and down like a fucking monkey all night screaming for his mother and not sleep. I will have none of it. I told the wife to leave him in his room and he will fall asleep. She listens for about an hour or so then takes him into the room. I would let him scream all night. He will learn.


So Monday was his checkup with the doctor. The wife brought up how he is behaving.

She said that he is testing us. (I said the same thing....someone give me an MD!)

She said to let him be. (Once again...I said the same thing)

She said after an hour of him crying, to take him out of his room and have him sit with us in the living room or somewhere...just not our bedroom and let him fall asleep on his own. Wait 30 minutes and put him back to bed.

Yea he just wakes up as soon as he goes back to his crib, but if he is in our bed he falls right asleep.


Daddy does not play that game. Neither apparently does the boy. He seems to have daddys' temper and stubborness.

It's war. I need my wife on my side. She caves too easily. I need her to be a soldier. This is for his own good.

There is a reason why he is calling for his mama and not his dada. He knows dada won't shed a tear for someone throwing a tantrum.

Mama will. It kills her to hear him call her through choked sobs.

Seems like I have to fight this war on two fronts.

One with the boy and one with the wife.


I will be victorious.

To the bitch who left a note on my car....

Fuck you.

Seriously, fuck you.

On my vacation my wife and I went to The Cheesecake Factory at a local mall. This mall has parking for compact cars. I have a compact car. This fucking TWAT in an SUV is parked there. I squeeze my car in and am still in between the lines.

The wife and I get our meal and then head back to the car. The pussy who was parked in the 4 mpg truck is gone, but there is a note on my door.

"Hey asshole learn to park next time"


Fucking bitches man. I know it was a broad. No dude....well not straight dude would fucking leave a note on a windshield. This fucking cunt parks her large truck in a compact car space and it's my fucking fault she is tight. Maybe if she could fit her fat ass into a regular car then she wouldn't need a fucking tank.

I had a great meal at the cheesecake factory, but once I saw that it ruined my day.

Fucking bitch. I wish I had seen her write that. Oh man to catch her fucking write that woulda been great. I would have scared the shit out of her.

This is another reason to hate people.

And now for something completely different...

I think I have kidney stones. I am in constant pain and I am pissing every 5 minutes. I went to my doctor about a month ago because I had similar pains, but worse. They ran some tests and it was all good in the hood. I'm holding off seeing the doc again. When I lay down to sleep it's fine. I'm in the middle of a cold and I think that might have something to do with it.


I think I'll wait until next week before I see the doc. I hate going to the doctor and dropping money to find out nothing is wrong. I hope nothing is wrong. I don't want to get operated down there.

What if the doctor sneezes while cutting. That would be just my luck.

One more friend kicked to the curb...

I had this friend in college. Her name was Shelley. She was awesome. We were one year and one day apart in age. She was a sophomore my freshmen year and she showed me around. We stayed friends after college. There was never anything between us...we were just good friends. Once college ended and we started getting careers it was harder to see each other. Whenever I had vacation or time off I would go to Boston and meet her for lunch at her job. She came to my wedding over four years ago.

That was the last time I saw her.

I think she is great, but it just got to the point where I hated being the one putting effort into the friendship. Driving to Boston on my day off to have lunch is a pain in the ass especially if the favor isn't returned.

Some of my emails wouldn't be returned.

Like 6 months ago I was part of a big group email saying she was engaged. I was happy for her even though I wasn't a fan of her fiance. He was an old roommate, but not the one I took the lightbulbs from. We just never clicked. Anywho...I get the save the date and she asks me if I am pumped about the wedding. I say yea of course. What was I supposed to say? No? I'm not going? I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I haven't seen her in over 4 years. So when the invite comes in I send it back saying I'm not coming.

The wife wanted to go. She wanted to see old college friends. My reply was "If you miss them how come you never keep in touch with them?" She said it wasn't like that. She said that it's nice to pump into old friends and catch up. I said well this isn't bumping into them.

So we are not going.

While I was on vacation I got this email from Shelley:


So, I have been avoiding emailing you because I am wondering whats up....
After I sent the "Save the Date" card to you for our wedding you seemed all jazzed up about it, and now you guys aren't coming?
I am assuming you have something else you have to go to but I thought I might have gotten some sort of explanation on the RSVP card....
Oh well.
Hope all is well

S

I don't know what to say. I feel bad but not so bad that I would change my mind. Besides the wedding is this Saturday and the Patriots playoff game is that night.

The Pats never blow me off.

Yeaaa Boiiii!

Not a bad vacation. Didn't do much but stay home which was all I really wanted to do. The wife and I did get to take the boy to the Boston Aquarium. That was a lot of fun. His reactions were great. He had a blast and we had a blast seeing him have a blast.

Now onto christmas.

People who know me know that I get pissed when I don't get what I want. Let me rephrase that. If I get something that isn't on my wishlist but it is something cool...like for example a Stephen King book might not be on my wishlist, but I like Stephen King so that would be a cool gift. What I hate is getting a gift just to get one. Trust me I would rather get nothing. Like in 2004. I read comics, so my mother in law got me 2 superman comics and had her little son give them to me.

I hate superman. I mean come on. Do a little homework. That shit pisses me off.

So this was the year of the wishlist. I told everyone if they wanted to get me something then to get it off my wishlist. This, I thought, was idiot proof.

Well they made a better idiot.

When you order off of amazon it gives you the option to buy the same item but perhaps cheaper off of another vendor. If you choose this option, then you are not buying from amazon anymore. So you are not buying off of my amazon wishlist. So my mother in law in order to save 2 dollars did this. My wishlist doesn't update and someone else buys the same gift off of amazon. This does update my wishlist but the damage is done. So now I have to deal with a return through amazon. I have to mail the shit back and deal with the fucking vendor. On top of that I don't get the full value of the gift because it wasn't the shippers fault that I sent it back and if I want to get anything shipped to me in exchange then whatever the shipping costs are have to be deducted from the value of the gift. So for example if I send back a gift that was 45 dollars. I only get say 39 dollars to spend because it will cost about 6 dollars in shipping and handling. This is the pain in the ass stuff I was hoping to avoid.

My sister in law was over during Thanksgiving. We both like the same kinda movies. We were talking about American Splendor. Great film. I told her I liked it a lot but would never want to own it because it's on TV all the time and I am kinda straying from owning movies on DVD. I am more into getting TV shows I like on DVD. I did say that I liked the soundtrack. So she sends our christmas gifts to us via the mail. She lives in New York so we don't see her on xmas. My wife gets a few things. The boy gets a few things. There is only 1 thing for me. That's fine. She's not my sister I don't care. What is it? It's American Splendor on DVD!!! I am fucking bullshit. I really am. So she calls on xmas and tells my wife that she saw the DVD on my wishlist. I am flipping out. I am like if your fucking sister looked at my wishlist it would have said that it's the soundtrack. My wife looked at it and says "Well it doesn't say soundtrack on it Jay. How would she know?" I am like "It says various fucking artists! She don't need to fucking know either. She was supposed to buy it off the fucking wishlist. If your fucking sister had done more than just look at the wishlist she would have known..that's how!! If she had clicked on it to buy it she would have known it was a soundtrack...that's how she would have fucking known. If she had used the fucking wishlist that's how she would have fucking known!!" Now I do tend to get pissed about this stuff. We buy gifts for my wifes 2 brothers and her sister on their birthdays and the holidays. I get shitty gifts back...gifts with no thought in them. A ten dollar DVD that I didn't even fucking want? That pisses me off. It shows lack of thought and it makes me have to go to Tower Records (that's where she got the DVD) and return it. I hate Tower Records. I hate the elitist employees. Their stuff is way overpriced, well most of it except for the 10 dollar DVD of American Splendor. So I once again have to do what I didn't want to do this holiday, deal with returns. I get a 10 dollar credit at Tower. What the fuck can you buy for 10 dollars at Tower Records? Nothing. The elitist attitude comes free so I was fucked. The American Splendor soundtrack was 20 dollars. No way was I throwing another 10 towards a gift to me. I ended up dropping an extra 6 dollars towards my store credit for a different CD. It's a good CD but it will forever be tainted by the fact that it was a consolation prize from a pseudo gift.

Then my fucking brother. Lazy fuck that he is. He waits til the last minute and looks at the wishlist but buys at the store because the gift won't be delivered in time. This fucks him because we had a lot of Baby Einstein on the boys wishlist. My brother couldn't find any of that stuff in the store. He didn't double gift me though. He got the boy some stuff but not stuff he wanted to get him and he double gifted the wife.

She had to return his stuff. She is a bigger person than me though. It doesn't bother her. It drives me NUTS. So nuts in fact that this is what you see when you look at my wishlist:

"I had a few cases of people looking at the wishlist and then buying items from a store, and other people buying the same item from the wishlist. Please do not buy anything on this wishlist from a store. It makes it a huge headache to have to return stuff because someone looked at the wishlist and didn't buy from the wishlist."

I am an asshole and I don't care.

Happy New Year.