I can't....I have a headache

It's been a busy few weeks. I am starting to catch up on school work, but am still a bit behind. A big part of that is work. This guy I work with is based in England.

I work with european customers and this guy was hired to help out.

He sucks so bad.

He is a horrible worker.

He tries to be nice and tell jokes to get you on his good side to make up for his complete lack of knowledge and work ethic.

When you first start here you get a bit of a pass because the technology is new and our products are not the easiest to use. Eventually more responsibility is sent your way until you are able to do your job by yourself. I was supposed to be his point of escalation in case he hit a roadblock.

I was not being utilized that way.

He was always asking for help. That in and of itself is fine, but he would have me do all of the work and not take notes when I did it. What was happening was the same problems were appearing but he wasn't learning from it.

I started getting frustrated. I started giving him a checklist of things I wanted done before I would even look at the issue. He did not like that at all.

He would tell me he was nervous about helping out customers when he didn't know what he was doing.

I told him I never knew what I was doing, but the beauty is that neither does the customer.

That didn't work for him.

He went to my boss and told him that when I helped him with his problems I moved too fast and he didn't know what I was doing. He did this in spite of me asking him each step of the way if he understood what was going on. His reply was always yes. He said he was taking notes the whole time too.

So my boss tells me from now on I am to instruct him and monitor him when he has an issue.

I say fine.

Then he calls in for two weeks with a headache.

He calls in saying he has a stress headache and his doctor said he will be unable to work for two weeks.

Can you believe that shit? That is balls. If I wasn't so pissed at what a pussy move that was I'd almost be impressed.

So while he is gone I am working all of his issues and mine.

I have the boys during the week and homework is piling on.

In short this happened at the worst possible time.

He comes back last Friday. I am working an issue and tell him to work a different one.

He logs on and calls me saying he is in the customer system but has no idea what to do and can I help him.

Unfuckingreal.

God damn lazy asshole.

So I log in and tell him that I will tell him what to do so he can learn.

He says no. He says that if he works the issue he will get another stress headache. He wants me to do it and he will take notes.
Now this prick told my boss that when we did just that, I was moving too fast for him. He said that he couldn't pick up what I was doing.

I fucking hate people. I call my boss and am like "Listen this dude you hired has sand in his vagina and needs to get some balls ASAP because he is killing me."

Although when he heard me it sounded more like "This guy says he's going to get a headache if he works and wants me to do it for him. What the fuck is wrong with this guy and can you see that this is unacceptable?"

My boss did understand my plight but wanted the customer taken care of. He talked to my co-worker yesterday. The dude actually resigned and my boss just cut him loose instead of having him work his final two weeks.

I'm actually surprised he quit. I figured he was looking for another job when he had headaches, but I wasn't sure. Guys like that tend to milk jobs all the time.

Thank christ he is gone but my job just got a lot harder.

Swing batta batta...

Had one full week at work. Its like nothing changed. My foot feels awesome. I'm seeing the doctor today to see if I can start jogging again.

Now regarding work. I get here and my co-worker is telling me a story Kat told him. Apparently the older lady I work with, not Kat, an older woman with two teenage sons likes to swing.

This blows my mind. First of all here are the details. She and her boyfriend have other couples come over and they play a game. The game is that all of the guys put on blind folds and all of the women give the men blow jobs.

Now the men who are blindfolded need to guess who is giving them head. Regarding this I really don't care. What you do behind closed doors is really your own business. Now looking at this woman I'm not sure I would want to play that game with her, but what I really want to know is how do you get to the point with your mate where you can say:

"Hey lets have the Smiths over and John and I get blindfolded while you and his wife go down on us and we pick who is doing it!"

Personally I would not be able to share my wife. I don't know how a husband or boyfriend could let that happen. So that's my roadblock. Second you have to convince your wife to do this. I have no idea how you even HAVE that conversation.

Lets say you are get past those issues. I am 31 years old and now have friends in my life that I have known for about 16 years now. These are close friends. Friends that I consider to be brothers.

My kids call them uncle and aunt. I mean They are like family. That said, I can't even imagine how I would even ask if they swing.

I guess a lot of booze is involved. Again I'm not judging this at all. I'm really curious how you even get another couple to do this. I mean I just don't think that even if I wanted to swing, (which I don't) how you would even go about getting another couple involved.

The real thing is that for the past month I have been unable to drive because of my foot so I have been working from home.

My first day back I hear about this 42 year old woman who goes down on her and her boyfriends friends while they are blindfolded.

Why am I not more shocked by this?

Toe the line....

I type this stoned out of my mind on Oxycodone. The surgery went well or so my doctor says. I always try to stay awake when they put me under, but everytime the surgery is completed before I even know it has started. This time was no different.

I'm fairly certain that I tried to convince the nurses that the anethesia had worn off when I got out of surgery by telling them I worked in telecom and I was a smart guy.
In hindsight I'm pretty sure that the effect was opposite what I was going for. The toe feels fine except for the pain that my good friend the prescription drugs help numb. Before I left they put my on crutches. I'm not the most coordinated person to begin with so this will be an interesting 10 days with no pressure on the foot. It's a weird thing because you take walking for granted. Now I can't even grab a can of seltzer because I need both hands for these crutches.
I can't walk and hold Cole. I can't play soccer with Jack. It kinda blows. I've caught up on everything on my DVR and even finished the excellent Brotherhood on DVD.
The plus side was having Friday and Monday off from work. It allowed me to help Faith out with Cole. The drugs make me tired but sleep doesn't come easy, so 2 am feedings are not the nightmare they normally would be.
My neck is killing me though. I suck at the crutches and have been sleeping on the couch because I can't consistently get upstairs to my bed. This does help with the baby because it's just him and I for the most part at night. I pass him off around 2 or 3 so I can get some sleep before work at 5.
Of course my first day back at work is not fun. I'm working from home for the next month or so. The weekend with the foot was fine. I was able to put some weight on it. It still hurts pretty much all the time but it was manageable because it was always elevated.
Now I am working at my dining room table and can't keep my foot up. I must have bumped this thing like 100 times in my first hour back at work. It is THROBBING.
Funny thing about the drugs. They make me way more affectionate. I'm not made of stone, I always kiss my wife and kids and tell them I love them, but I'm such a chick flick when I'm on drugs.
Part of it is being fairly helpless. I have to rely on my wife for everything right now. She is a champ about it, but I want to help as much as I can hence me taking Cole for most of the night. You really appreciate the people in your life when you don't have a leg to stand on.

Side note:

Once my vacation was over I went back to work and there was a big company meeting. We all had to go to this hotel conference room. I got there and sat next to a co-worker. I started making small talk and they ignored me.
No worries. People have stuff going on and it was just small talk.

After the meeting we went back to the office and my colleagues were talking about all going to lunch. Next thing I know they are all gone.

No one asked me. Everyone was ignoring me. No one asked about the baby. No one asked how my wife was doing.
It was awesome. Finally people got the hint. Work Jay and personal life Jay no longer had to meet.

Then I woke up. It seriously was a dream where my co-workers minded their own business.
When I really got back to work I got hit with the questions about the baby.
They asked if I had pictures. I told them I didn't They asked me before I left if I was going to email them pictures of Cole when he was born.

I told them I would not.

This is not to be a dick. First off these are co-workers who I do not know socially. Secondly I have this unnatural fear of pictures of my kids on the internet. I hate it. The world is full of perverts. I wouldn't email co-workers pictures of my kids because in my mind they can then forward those pictures to the world.
It's an insane thought, but I'm on prescription drugs right now. They then said how come you won't have pictures of the kids at your desk. I've said this before.
"I know what my kids look like. If I were to have their pictures there it would be for you to come and see and strike up a conversation."

People don't like that response. Oh well. It is also part of my unnatural fear of layoff. I don't want anything at my desk that I can't get rid of with one trip because there is no way I am taking two trips after being shit canned.

Tiny Tim for 2007

I may have mentioned that I broke my toe on my birthday. If I didn't, well I'm mentioning it now. The doctors who spent 8 years studying medicine told me to just tape it up.

I did that and the swelling hasn't really gone down. I know am able to grab my big toe and pul it up and actually feel it separate from the rest of my toe bone.

Whenever I play soccer with Jack the thing swells up for days.

Something had to be done.

I went to a specialist who put an aircast on me. I looked so cool in it. Let me tell you. Nothing is more awesome than walking around in an aircast.

I was supposed to wear it for 4 weeks and then get x-rays taken to see if the toe healed.
It did but not enough. Now they need to go in and suture this hanging bone so I can be all good again.

Toe surgery, you think what maybe home for a week right?

My doctor tells me I will be home for 4 weeks.

This is nuts. Its a fucking toe. It happens to be my right foot so I can't put pressure on a gas pedal.

I won't be able to walk for 10 days.

After that I go back to the aircast and then physical therapy. I'm gonna be like Tiny Tim for fucks sake.

I really feel guilty because

I'll be home for the rest of my wifes maternity leave.

I don't feel guilty about being with her, but how it looks at work.

Of course my co-workers work from home because they are getting breast implants, so maybe I am worrying for nothing.

Baby blues..

So on July 18th Cole Pavao was born. He was 8lbs 5 oz and is cute little guy. The birth went fine. I asked the doctors if I could cut the cord this time. Last time I didn't because my oldest was a big baby and they needed to get him out quick.

Births are fun. I don't know why people get freaked by it. Sure there is the blood, placenta and after birth but after that its just like a 70's horror movie. Totally fine really.

So the cord. I was joking to the doctors and the nurses that I had been practicing on spaghetti. This was a little tougher than spaghetti.

First off the docs cut the cord and then I get to cut the excess.

Second no one told me that fucker shot blood out when you cut it. It was like a fucking Tarantino movie. I had to take two tries cuz I stopped when Cole started screaming and blood squirted at me.

Thats another thing. The kid still fely me cutting the cord. For some reason I thought that the kid wouldn't feel that.

Won't think that again. After he was born I was holding him and sitting next to my wife while they stitched her up.

Cole looks like his brother. His brother looks like me, so Cole will look like me. I let me wife know that my pureblood genes have once again overcome her mixed breed.

She never thinks I'm as funny as I really am.

So we go to recovery and they decide to take Cole to the nursery for his first bath. With my first son Jack this took about an hour. With Cole it took about 3. I was not pleased.

You have to make sure the baby is warm before you bathe him. I don't think the 3 hours was waiting for the kid to warm up though. I think it was more just laziness.

I was torn. I wanted to stay with Cole, even if he didn't know that I was there I didn't want him to be alone.

I have this paranoid fear about somehow not getting the right baby so I tried to memorize every aspect of him. I had read somewhere before Jack was born that 92% of fathers recognized their newborns . I was willing myself to remember every part of Cole so I could pick him out of a lineup.

So I am waiting 3 god damn hours and my wife isn't in her room yet. This has me worried. Is she ok? Should I check? I didn't want to leave Cole but I was getting worried about my wife.

I knew that if I was her I would want her to stay with the baby, so I did. I did go to the nurses station and ask where she was. They didn't have much in the way of news but told me if she wasn't in her room then I couldn't be on the floor either. I explained to her that my son was on this floor in the nursery. They told me it didn't matter and I had to go back to the recovery ward.

I told them no problem and then went back to see my son at the nursery. After a few minutes the nurse who told me to leave walked by me and stared at me.

I had a crazy thought that she was going to call security on me and was more than willing to get into it with whoever they threw at me.

Nothing was going to pull me away from this kid.

Lucky for her and the hospital staff that I would have left in my violent wake, there was no confronatation.

Another hour went by and Cole finally got his bath. I decided that too much time had gone by and I really needed to see my wife. I walked to to elevator and as it came up, she was coming out of it.

Perfect timing.

Family started showing up but we were really excited about Jacks reaction to his new brother. When he finally showed up I met him at the door and he starts asking really loud:

"Dada did my baby brother pop out?"

I told him that yes his baby brother did indeed pop out and we could go see him as soon as he was ready.

I took him to the nursery and he saw all of the babies there. He looked at them and asked:

"Do I get to pick out the one I want?"

I told him I had already picked out the one we wanted but I was sure he would like him.

So far I was right. Jack is crazy about Cole. He's also protective towards him in a scary way.

Remember my comment about my totally rational thought that I would be willing to physically fight to stay and see Cole in the nursery?

Yea well seems like Jack also has some of that intensity as well. When it was time to bring Cole home the nurse went to cut off his ankle tag.

Jack saw the nurse go to Cole with the scissors and stared right at her. Without blinking he says"

"Don't...cut...him." I have never seen him more serious. I think he would have shit beat that nurse if Cole started crying.

Like father like son.

History Repeating...

Wednesday is b-day, as in birth-day. The birth of my second child. In the words of Luca Brassi, "A masculine child.". My second boy comes to this world at 10 AM on Wednesday and I can't wait.
Having a baby is a weird thing. It's like boxing. You know your gonna get a punch but your not sure where its going to hit or how much its going to hurt.
Kids rule.
The first few months with a newborn are great, but getting the little bugger to sleep normally is not the funnest.
The wife and I have been prepping the house. We brought up the pack and play so he could sleep in our room for the first month or so. Yesterday we went and got some more diapers and wipes for him.

I'm really looking forward to the baby. We don't have a name yet, so that will be odd. I mean he won't answer to anything for awhile anyway, but "hey you" will look weird on a birth certificate.

I'm hoping my wife gets to relax while in the hospital. I'll be off all next week to help with the baby and work from home the week after, but then I'm back in the office.

A newborn is tough, but the newborn and a three year old who has enough energy to power a small town is a little insane.
I think to curb my oldest sons energy I'm going start putting him to work. I'm going to have him work on my yard. He can push my lawnmower around. He actually likes doing that, but only if it is off. He is not a fan of the running lawnmower.
The trick with kids is to make everything an adventure.
You're too tired to play? Make an adventure out of being quiet. Want to sleep? Tell the kid you are hiding and he'll hide with you.

Parenting is easy.

Umm Happy Birthday....?

Kat walks into the office around 8 AM yesterday wearing a tight black shirt with writing on it.
I look at it and of course its in huge letters right around the new cans.

"Spank me, it's my birthday!"

Again, I am far from prudish, but what the fuck is this chick doing wearing a shirt like this? This is a shirt you see chicks wearing when they hit the bars in Boston. Dudes would buy them shots and they would just get plastered.

You don't wear it to fucking work. It just astounds me. Who fucking does that? I just say "Nice shirt." She laughs and bends over like I'm supposed to spank her.

I go "How about a happy birthday instead?"

This place is nuts. My buddy Tim shows up a little later and notices the shirt. He also notices her cancer tatoo on her wrist. She sees Tim looking at it and assures him that its not 69.

Thanks for clearing that up Kat.

My boss is on vacation. He has been since last week and will be back Monday. There are three people in my group and one of them is on vacation. The other person in my group decided to work from home all of this week. She didn't ask my boss because he is on vacation, so she just decided to do it.

Convenient huh?

My co-workers can blow me.

They are always bitching about how no one is around, but as soon as my boss is gone it's like school is fucking out. When my boss is here they go behind each others back and complain about no one working as hard as they are.

I'm live and let live, I don't bitch to my boss about any of them. I don't care what they fucking do, but at the same time it blows my mind that the people who do the most bitching are the ones taking the most advantage.

Know why this chick is staying home all week? Her boyfriends 16 yr old daughter is spending the week with them.

This girl used to live with them, then she caught a case of the teen pregnancy and this chick told her boyfriend that his daughter could not have a baby at their house.

This chick decided to move to North Carolina to be with her mom and have the baby. When the kid was born my co-worker was acting like a proud grandma showing pictures.

You never would know she told the girl to either get rid of the baby or put it up for adoption.
Now she is "working from home" all week to spend time with said baby.

Fucking hypocrite.

The Drama Club

I've heard my wife complain about her mother being dramatic and trying to guilt her into things. I know parents hold a sway over you, so that is why I took the lead on telling my mother in law that I didn't want her boyfriend at the hospital.

As of yesterday I joined the drama club. I was hot as fuck. I had just gotten done mowing the lawn and watering the grass. I was sitting down with the burgers I just grilled and getting ready to watch some "John from Cincinnati" (A strangely watchable show) when the phone rings.

I never answer the phone but when I saw the caller ID and recognized my mother in laws number I knew I had to answer it. I didn't want her to think I was afraid to talk to her.

When I answered the phone she wanted me to give her a reason why I didn't want to have her boyfriend at the hospital.

The real reason is he is a creepy creepy man who I hate seeing with my current son and I don't want him anywhere near the new one either, but I didn't want to go off and make things weird for my wife and her mom.

I just told her that like I had said in my email, I didn't know him very well and I only wanted close friends and family there. She then countered by saying he has been in her life for over a year. I told her that while that may be true I had only met him a few times and didn't want him there.

I never backed down from telling her that he was not welcome. My only ambiguity was the reason why, but not once did I falter or make myself seem remorseful about my decision.

A little side note:

When we found out the sex of the baby it was discovered that the umbilical cord had a single umbilical artery. Most cords have two arteries and one vein. Our baby had one artery and one vein. This is fairly common and just like having two hands, eyes and ears, the second artery is a backup.

As a result of this they just monitored my wife and the baby a little closer, but there have been no issues.

Back to the post.

So my mother in law starts crying on the phone saying that with all of the complications that my wife has gone through (see above) her and her boyfriend had been praying for my wife and son and myself. Her quote was "But we prayed for you."

So does prayer get you admissions to maternity wards now?

Was there a memo about that somewhere? I'm not an especially religious person. Most days I doubt that there is a God. Her telling me she prayed for me and the inference that because her boyfriend did that then I should allow him to see my wife and child kind of pissed me off.

I told her to tell her bf thanks for the prayers but still nothing was going to change. He was not invited. I said only friends and family. She then comes back with "Well he is my family." I told her that I was happy for her but that still doesn't make him my family.


This woman sent me and email saying she respected my wishes yet here she is trying to use every guilty tool at her disposal to make me change my mind. I thought the whole thing was funny.

She then went on to say what a wonderful guy her BF was and how he looked so hurt when she told him I didn't want him there. He was so looking forward to being there.

Now if she really loved this guy do you think she would have said something like that? She couldn't have spared his feelings by saying that they only allowed immediate family or something? She said this to guilt me. I told her that while I was sorry her bf felt slighted that it wasn't anything personal, I just didn't know the guy.

She started crying again.

She was like I just wanted to clear the air. I told her she was more than welcome to call any time she wanted to discuss this but nothing was going to make me change my mind. She said bye and I got off the phone.

Now it's mighty presumptuous of her to assume she can just come to the hospital with this guy anyway. I didn't feel bad once during the call and I actually feel pretty great about it right now.

I see her tomorrow and I have a feeling that will be round 2.

Untitled....

My baby should be born in about three weeks.

Being a parent is a really funny thing. You never really understand how protective you are until you have a child. I'm constantly thinking about my son and how to keep him safe. Lately those thoughts have been moving towards my unborn son as well.

My mother in law has a boyfriend that I don't like. I think I've mentioned him before. He wears ball hugger shorts and tank tops to family gatherings. He shows up at Easter wearing a name badge for some group he is part of in an attempt to have someone ask him about it.

Just blatant cries for attention.

I don't like him around my son. I don't know the guy and he is overly comfortable around him. I'm not saying that in a way that my son doesn't like him. I mean he is a man who I don't know who seems feel like he can play with my son like he has known him and me for years.

I understand that he wants to try to fit in to the family, but fit in with someone else's kid. He likes to take pictures with his camera phone.

It's just very creepy, but nothing really out of the ordinary.

He' just odd.

Back to baby #2.

We're going to have a private room after the baby is born. I only want my family and close friends there to visit my wife.

As a husband and a father its my responsibility to make sure my wife and child feel comfortable.

I need to feel comfortable too.

My oldest is at a point where if he doesn't want to play with you then he can just walk away.

A newborn doesn't have that luxury.

I don't want my mother in laws boyfriend at the hospital. I don't want him in his ball huggers hodling my infant son. I don't want him whipping out his camera phone and snapping pictures of him.

I want to remember my sons birth as a time when we were surrounded by people we wanted there.

I have been telling my wife this for awhile. She has kinda been listening but not really doing anything about it.

Our parents will always have a power over us. I understand that. She didn't want to offend or get into it with her mom. She wanted to just let it slide and then move on when they left.

I didn't.

I pulled her aside and told her that it wasn't going to happen. I didn't want the mother in laws boyfriend there and there really wasn't anything that was going to let it happen.

I explained to her the reasons why I felt that way and told her I had no problem telling her myself. My mother in law may have some power over my wife, but she has none over me.

I do know my mother in law though and she tries to twist things so that they look like she is the victim.

To me I find it somewhat offensive that she would assume to bring her boyfriend to see my baby without checking with me. To her she thinks because he is her boyfriend he should come. thats fine, but this is not a boyfriend of 2 years or so. I've only met him about three times and as I mentioned I'm not a fan.

So I sent the mother in law an email telling her how excited we were about having her meet the new baby. I then said that because I didn't know him well enough, I didn't want her boyfriend there.

She replied that she was saddened and that her boyfriend is:

"a wonderful, kind and loving person and I hope that someday both of you will come to know that for yourselves."

She did say that she would respect my wishes though. I stressed that this was all my decision. She did CC my wife in the email though. I think that was her way of trying to get her involved. Like I hadn't gone over this with my wife and I was doing all of this behind her back.

Its so funny. First of all this is my kid. I don't care how saddened she is. Its my kid. I may not like your boyfriend but I don't skip family getherings because he is there. Its family and you deal with it.

When my kid is born I make the rules. We're going to have a party for the baby a few weeks after he is born and the mom in laws BF can show up then.

He's not family. He'll never be a step grandfather. He will never be anything to my son other than his grandmothers boyfriend. I will always be cordial and have my son be respectful, but there are no life lessons that this can or will ever teach him.

Back to the well....

Ever since Kat had her cans enlarged she has been wearing low cut tops. Hey you drop a few grand I guess you want to show off what you paid for. I already mentioned how every guy in the company came over "Just to make sure she was OK"., but it's been a few weeks now.

They can't use that excuse anymore. Fortunately I work with smart guys who can find excuses to look at her fake cans.

For example:
"Kat, was there an email about the meeting?" Kat replies: "Yes I sent it to you."

"Oh ok, I must have missed it."

The dude got a fucking email. He just wanted to stare. It's like in school when the first chick gets boobs. All of these dudes are falling over themselves for her.

She was telling me how she is back with her ex. She just got the divorce finalized a few months ago and now is getting back with him. This is a smart dude. He makes the move about 3 weeks before the boobs get put in.

He then does all the shit work like taking care of the house and kids while she is recovering and shows her "he has really changed". So now she is back together with him.

She was telling me and this other guy I work with about it. She was like "yea we're really trying to make it work. I called all of the guys I was seeing and told them that I couldn't see them anymore."

All of the guys she was seeing? I have a wife and a kid and I don't have time to go out. How does a mom of 3 have time to go out with multiple people?

Wait I know how. If the chick is getting the fake cans, then these dudes make time according to her schedule. So anyway she is telling me how she is getting back with her ex and I just pipe up.

"Kat let me stop you for a moment. I've seen this movie a few times. It's going to be fine for a bit, but then something is gonna happen and your gonna say it's his fault. Once that happens he's out again right?"

She told me they were really trying because the kids loved having their dad over. Yea she also told me 2 guys ago that they really loved her last BF. I think maybe the kids just want something stable. What do I know though.

The best happened yesterday though. I mentioned that I am now working with our European group. We finally got one of them here for proper training. His name is Vincent and he is from France. So I finally meet him face to face. Great guy, real smart. I have a really good feeling about him. So we meet and he comes to my desk and I offer to show him the lab and the equipment. He says that Kat is going to show him the lab.

Now Kat knows where the lab is located, but she has no idea what the equipment is in there. It's not her job. She don't need to. So I explain this to my french friend. He then says that after he gets his tour from Kat, he'll see me for the lab tour.
Then it happens.

Kat comes over to shoot the shit for a minute. She is wearing a super low cut shirt. (At this point its just funny because she is screaming "look at them!" As soon as someone asks for that kind of attention I tend to go in the opposite direction and ignore them.) You would think Vincent was stranded on an island for about 15 years. She is talking to us about her weekend and Vincent is just staring at her chest.

He's not saying a word. He's just staring.
I think I know why he wanted that tour.

Driving to pain...

Busy weekend at Casa de Pavao. I taught the boy how to change the oil in the cars. I think we might need to go over that again. After that I did a ton of yard work. I planted some flowers and set up a little sprinkler system.

The boy seems to enjoy doing these things. That's good because when he is 12 he's going to be doing it while I play video games. We've been playing soccer a lot lately too. Our dog loves to play as well, and the boy has really taken to it.

Last year I had taken the boy to the driving range and he did as well as a 2 year old would do. He seemed to have fun, but didn't get the concepts. Now the boy is almost 3 and this time was a little different. He was actually hitting the golf balls and enjoying time with dad.

I am horrible at the driving range. I can't hit the ball straight to save my life. It was proven fairly obviously as the boy was in the next station beside me hitting golf balls. I go for a swing and it hits him in the leg. I am aiming 1 way and the ball goes 90 degrees in the other direction to hit the boy.

Only me.

He starts crying and says he wants to go home. The boy needs to man up more. He cries far too often over the littlest things. I love my son and he is smart as hell. I can talk to him like I talk to an adult, but I really cannot tolerate his whining. I realize that he almost 3 and not 15, but I'm trying to break him out of these bad habits.

He's been telling me "I can't" lately. I HATE that. It's such an easy crutch to fall on. I finally pulled the boy aside and told him to stop that stuff. He can do whatever he wants, and that saying "I can't" is not the way to be.

This blog is crap. It's incoherent, but I felt I owed my 1 reader something for missing last week.

Well? Lets see them.....

So Kat the secretary came back to work this week. She had been out for about ten days because she just had major surgery.

When she came in my boss and a few of the other guys all went to her desk to make sure she was feeling ok. That's what I like about this place. Everyone cares about everyone.

Sure when I cut my head open and got 4 staples at work and had a broken toe, my immediate supervisor never asked how I was feeling. Then again KAt just had breast implants so I guess he had more reason to go see her.
I sit in the back at my office and was just laughing as these 40-50 year old men with daughters 5 yrs younger than Kat were just surrounding her and making sure she was ok.

Kat was a real trooper. She said she was holding up fine, but had a hard time sleeping because she also had a tummy tuck so that with her sore breasts were really tough to deal with.

My boss suggested she get a body pillow to help her sleep at night. I think we found the humanitarian of the year.
Kat was also saying how she couldn't lift more than five pounds so she had to have her ex husbamd and parents come over and take care of her one year old.
This other guy just nodded knowingly and said "That must be really difficult, not being able to hold your baby."

I'm sorry, I thought this broad just got new tits, everyone is acting like she got hit by a truck while saving a group of orphans.
It's very funny because you know these dudes just want to see them. She goes on about how proud she is that she paid for them herself, worked two jobs to get the money for it. Of course that money couldn't have been used for her three kids, but whatever.

Why am I not going nuts for these fake protrusions like everyone else? Is it because I am married and love my wife?

It is not. I love my wife, but I'm a guy and when there is a beautiful girl with fake cans I notice.
This is not the case.
Fake boobs don't equal hot to me. Fake boobs on a hot girl equal hot to me.
Also as a dad and a husband I realize that there are just some things that I want that instead of getting them right away, they need to be put on hold or not gotten at all.

These things are no where in the range of the cost of elective plastic surgery, but they are things I want.
Things I have to save for, or wait around my birthday or Christmas to get for myself as a treat.

Now I am talking about shit like a wireless receiver for my xbox. It's like 90 dollars, but I would feel guilty spending that cash on myself when I have a son and a pregnant wife at home. I'm saving pocket cash for it though and when I have enough I'll get it.

So it kinda cheeses me that she complains about one of her exes not helping with the kids and she drops 4-7 thousand (I just did a quick online check) for this surgery. Shouldn't your kids come first? That kind of money would be the nice start of a college fund for all 3 kids.
Instead she has old men swinging by her cube to "See how she is feeling." She emailed us last week and told us that she would be working from home because she has drainage tubes coming out of her stomach from the tummy tuck.
Finally this guy I work with walks up and says what all the middle aged men couldn't say.
"Well? Lets see them." Kat was wearing a sweat shirt that left everything to the imagination. She explained that she was wearing a sports bra and a special support of some kind because they were still bruised.
I gotta tell you, between drainage tubes and bruised boobs, only two words enter my mind:
So hot.

She's not a bad person at all. She is really nice actually, I just don't agree with her decision is all.

In other news I have been back on the treadmill after a month off with my toe debacle. Going from 4 miles to 1.5 is rather humbling.

Back to it and have a great weekend.

the rat and the race....

I have been at this new job for about 10 months. I feel like I am fooling everyone here into thinking I know more than I do. Of course, my team comes in and shows me I have nothing to worry about.

They aren't bad people by any stretch, they just aren't what you would call concerned about their job.

I was raised to live in fear of losing your job. I tend to not want to have any kind of team lead or anything resembling myself having to be responsible for others. If they screw up it falls on me.

Well good luck with that.

I have been coming in between 5 and 6 am since January to help out with European issues. We had hired a new director and he needed some help so I volunteered.

I love the hours but it was becoming apparent that I was not a fan of this director. Neither it seems were his people.

His main guy in Europe quit, so I became the main guy. We sent one of our guys from the US to live in Europe and he quit like 4 minutes after he got there.

I was now supporting a continent from across the ocean with at the time 6 months of experience.

No pressure.

The new director hired another guy about a month ago, and he has been slowly picking things up. They also hired a new guy last week.

Then they fired the director.

My director is now the worldwide support director and has pretty much elevated me to team lead for these European guys.

Now I see why this has to happen. There is no one there to train them. I am in early and I have the most experience based on me being here longer than them.

That said, I haven't even been here a year and now my company is telling our customers in Europe that I am the guy who will be the lead for any issues they have. On top of that I have to manage and train these guys, I have to have daily meetings with them (I hate meetings). I have to manage customers.

I had a meeting with my director yesterday and he told me how he hoped next year I would join him for a conference in Germany to train our partners as well.

Trip to Germany? Fun

Training foreigners, dealing with accents and language barriers while battling your own concerns about your mastery of the technology, protocols and the product? Not so much.

Of course I can't tell my boss that I don't want to do this. It wasn't what I was hired for and I am certainly sure this is not what they wanted, but right now it is what is needed. I am glad that they don't think I am a total fuck up and can handle this, but at the same time this week has been too much, too fast and I feel overwhelmed.

I have a paper due Monday and my final in environmental science as well. The wife and the boy are going to Vermont tomorrow to visit relatives and I'll be able to finish my fence and that work. I think after that I'll grab a nice showe and go see "Hot Fuzz". I'll probably finish the day with a marathon of video games.

Hopefully it will be the recharge I need.

I'm not scared of the work by any stretch, its more the responsiblity for others and that possiblity of failure because of that.

I don't like relying on people. I also don't like playing the management game. I'm not built to deal with customers in a kiss ass way.

I guess I'm going to have to work on that.

Cubano!!!!

Got a package in the mail the other day. It was from a deployed American who sent me some Cuban Cohibas.

Very good stuff.

My wife was complaining a bit last weekend. I am breaking my back pulling up fence posts and cement blocks trying to fix my fence and she is upset at her best friend.

Her best friend now has a serious boyfriend and isn't around as much. She was upset because they had plans to hang out that weekend and she never got a callback. She was complaining that she couldn't believe that just because she had a boyfriend she would blow her off.

I explained to her that it happened from time to time especially when a relationship is new. She knows but was upset because her friend was bitching about another friend doing the same thing.

I just let it go. That following Monday we had an ultrasound. The baby is fine. I showed up in my car and my wife was in hers. Our son was with my mother in law. After the ultrasound my wife asked me to marinate some steaks while she went down the street to get our son. Realistically I should have gotten home about 30 minutes before my wife.

I waited almost 2 hours. She calls me and says she "Just got to talking" with her mom and was on the way.

That is fine. Chicks talk, it is to be expected. A call would have been nice, but whatever.

Tuesdays and Thursdays the wife works until about 8PM. I stay up to make sure she gets home ok. I have to be up around 4:30 in the morning, so the sooner she gets home the sooner I get to bed. She is usually home by about 9 the latest.

As of 9:30 she is not home and she hasn't answered my 2 phone calls. I figure correctly that she is probably talking to her best friend and making nice about the blow off. I tell her to call me as soon as she gets my message but I am going to bed.

The phone rings at 10:30 waking me up and she is apologizing profusely saying her friend visited her at work and she had her phone in the car and just lost track of time.

I say whatever, get home and call in the future. She tries a weak, "I didn't realize how late it was." plea but I just hang up.

The next day I mention to her that over this week she has blown me off twice this week, kinda the same way her friend did. Now I say that I know she didn't do it on purpose, much like I'm sure her friend didn't, but at the same time she did blow me off.

We had plans to meet up on Monday and I had to wait over 2 hours because she lost track of time. The next day I stayed up late because she got wrapped up gossiping with her friend and didn't think to call me back.

Of course neither of these are her fault and she said that those events are nothing like what she went through with her friend.

I love my wife but this is the thing that drives me nuts about her. She can never admit fault. Nothing is ever her fault, but I can admit fault.

I don't admit fault just to admit it, I do it because if I fuck up then I own up to it.

Drives me nuts.

Coming up next...

The cruise I'm not going on.

What happened to tag....?

Between head wounds and broken toes, I've neglected you dear blog readers. If it's an consolation I am also finally recovering from a week long bout of acute bronchitis.

I had called in sick with a fever last Monday. On Mondays my wife has to be at work for 7 AM and I have to be at work for 6 AM. Since she starts later than me she drops the boy off with the baby sitter.

She hates this. She never leaves the house early enough and always ends up being like 5 minutes late for work.

When I called in sick she looked at it like a gift from God. She tells me that the roads are really bad and she is running late so she is going to leave the boy with me.

We still have to pay the babysitter. We're not saving money by not dropping him off. I can barely walk and barely talk and just really need to sleep so it makes perfect sense to leave a two and a half year old with me right?

If she had taken him that day I would have been able to sleep most of the day and just let my antibiotics do what they were supposed to. Instead I was up at 7 am and watching Bob the Builder and picking up pieces of my lungs as I made sure the boy didn't set fire to the house. I had to miss 3 days of work when I probably could have been good to go with that one day of rest.

Marriage...it's a partnership as long as your wife is happy!!

Back to the topic at hand though. A few weeks ago I took the boy and the dog to the park for some soccer.

We loves us some soccer in the Pavao house, that and Weezer.

So the deal is the boy and I play soccer with the dog for a bit and tire him out, then the boy hits the swings and the slides.

It works for us.


Well we cut this trip a bit short. As we are playing soccer there are some girls about 10-12 years old playing in the playground area. They look like they are playing tag but with a twist. Everytime someone is tagged as "it" the tagger yells "Now you're the black girl!!"

What

the

fuck?

You are now the black girl? Once someone is the black girl they run away from her because no one wants to be the black girl?

I don't live in a white neighborhood. There are hispanic and asian kids always playing at the park. There are black kids too and these girls weren't white.

I've never heard anything like that in my life, especially from kids that young.

We just finished up our game of soccer and went home. The boy was tired so I got to play some Dead Rising (I love me some zombies) on my xbox.

Toe Ties and Staples.....

Wednesday was my birthday and it sucked.

It was fine until I broke my toe. I was reading a book and my wife mentioned that my son needed a diaper change. I said I would do it, but I just wanted to finish the page I was on. My wife gets up and heads to go upstairs.

This drives me nuts. If I don't move fast enough for her she gets up to do it herself. In this case she couldn't wait the 20 seconds for me to finish my page.

So I see this and rush up. Doing this causes me to slam my toe against my wrought iron and stone coffee table.

It hurt. I limped upstairs and changed the boy.

The boy is running around so of course my wife decides to give him some chocolate. He takes a huge bite of it, walks to my leather couch and spits out half eaten chocolate.

This can't end well.

I am on the phone with my dad who is wishing me a happy birthday and my wife is in the bathroom with my son. She doesn't point his head at the toilet. She points it at the side of it.

He pukes all over the side of and behind my toilet.

The wife tells me to get off the phone to help. She says that "I can't deal with this puke, can you?"

So lets recap.

Messed up toe.

It's my birthday.

Scrubbing puke off of a toilet.

Suffice it to say I went to bed early.

The next day I am limping fairly badly. I am at work and have to look at one of the servers in the lab.

The server is on the bottom of the rack so I had to kneel down to look at it. I got up awkwardly because of the bad foot and hit my head.

I didn't just hit it, I felt whatever I hit dig into my skull.

I get up and feel my head.

I sure am bleeding a lot suddenly.

It is about 10 am. 31 has not been a good year for me and I am about 32 hours into that year.

I go to the bathroom and get a wet towel to try to stop the bleeding. Eventually my head clots up but my boss forces me to go to the ER.

Apparently a head wound isn't that serious for the ER so I get to wait for almost 3 hours before they take me.

I get a needle to my head to numb it up (This hurt worse than hitting my head), and then I get 4 staples in my head.

The staples hurt like a mofo. It really felt like I hadn't even been numbed up. The docter decided to look at my foot since I was already being examined and tells me I broke my big toe. She tapes it up.

Life rules.

By the time I get out of the ER I have to get my son. We come home and I just sit and relax. I called into work the next day because lets face it, I'd probably get shot in the arm with the way my luck was going.

It is now Monday and my head still hurts because I forget there are staples in it and I accidentally touch them when my head gets itchy.

Yea not as much fun as my 21st.

From myspace with love....

I posted this orignally on myspce so if it sounds weird it's because I was writing to a different audience.





My job is very odd. I have girls talking about the breast implants they are getting. These same girls have 3 kids and are in their mid 20's and party like fucking rockstars every Thursday night.
That is another story for another time.

This is the story of the dude who really really wishes he was a Knight.
A knight like fucking Lancelot. This guy I work with is kind of a tool (this will be a trend in future posts) and tends to be rather condescending in all interactions I have had with him.
I consider myself to be very lucky to have the job I have because I really feel like I am faking it. I feel like I don't know enough about my field to warrant what I make, so I tend to think that colleagues know more than I do.
This ain't true kids. Most people know just enough to get by.
That was a bit off topic, but anyway this guy seems like he knows a lot. He does, but he doesn't know what I know and I don't know what he knows. The difference between us is that I don't treat people like morons when they don't know what I do.

This guy does. He is just so fucking smug. Since I'm new here I don't really have a lay of the land and I don't know who this guy is friends with. He walks around and when he talks he stretches out his words in such a way that he is trying to sound smarter than you. He ends every sentence with "Right?"

I kinda hate him.

Anyway I was working in the lab on something with my friend Tim and he brings up that smug bastard and how he isn't a fan of him. I relate my times with him as well. Once it's established that we aren't fans, Tim drops the coup de grace:
The dude makes his own armor and role plays as a knight. He is probably 36 or 37. Hey I read comics. I'm not here to really judge, but the kicker is that Tim knew this because:
1) The guy has his fake sword hanging in his cube.
2) He had all of his buddies meet him in the work parking lot at lunch time to sword fight.

Tim was heading to lunch last spring and he heard some people yelling. He looked and in the middle of the parking lot this guy and all of his buddies were beating the shit out of themselves with wooden swords.
Cry for attention table for one please.
So the smugness is explained. He was one of those dudes who if he didn't have this to hold onto, he would probably be applying lipstick and looking for a bell tower with a high powered rifle. I never noticed the fake sword, but since I have to be in the office at 5 am I decided to check his cube out.

Not only is there a wooden sword there, but he also has a picture of about 500 dudes dressed in made up armor and fighting. It looks like fucking Braveheart. He also has two dumbells in there too.

I find that hilarious. I am picturing him kissing the picture while doing curls.
Now I don't think I will worry about his smugness anymore. If he gets smart with me I'll just pop off with:

"King Arthur was a fag....that's right I said it."

Umm Oww....

I am sore as hell right now. All week we had spring weather and it was awesome.

Then Friday came and about a foot of snow came with it. I left work about 20 minutes early on Friday and renewed my license and got a haircut. When I got home at about 2:30 there was about 3 inches of snow down.

I figured I would take care of it real quick and shoveled the driveway.

No worries. The snow was pretty light and I was done in about 30 minutes.

It kept snowing. I became a little bit of snow and rain.

I'm not a fan of that. So it snowed all night and I went to bed.

I woke up to my phone ringing at about 10 am. My parents had my son for a few days and were on their way up.

That gave me 90 minutes to re-shovel the driveway. It was all ice now so this was really cutting it to the wire.

I can fit 9 cars in my driveway. This sucked. The snow/ice weighed so fucking much.

My back is killing me. It took me about 45 minutes just to get across my driveway opening. I finally decided just to shovel out a space that would fit my folks car and worked on a walkway to my door.

So my driveway was half shoveled and it looked awful. I didn't care. My back was killing me and I was really tired all weekend anyway.

Yesterday I took the boy in the backyard with his new sled and we played for about 30 minutes. I don't have snow boots and was wearing 3 year old Vans sneakers with rips in the rubber. These rips filled up with snow and that just plain sucked.

I love snow but am so ill prepared to play in it. This hasn't been a problem since I am in my 30's and playing in the snow hasn't really been in vogue for about 15 years or so.

Since having the boy I clearly need to re-evaluate this.

My father in law came over yesterday too and gave me his snowblower.

SCORE.

This took care of the rest of my driveway in about 10 minutes.

He is never getting it back. I don't care what he says. It's mine now.

Today the skunk guys are coming to my house to get rid of my black and white friends.

It only took about 400 dollars.

I'm not bitter about that at all.

My wife got a treadmill for Christmas and like all of my wife's fads, it has faded. I however am loving it. I almost did 4 miles in an hour and was able to maintain a full jog for the last 15 minutes.

I am quite pleased with myself.

Oh so Andrew quit. He got to the UK on a Saturday and bought cigarettes, a burger and a toothbrush.

He saw how much it cost and decided it was too expensive to live there.

Hey at least my company didn't pay for his visa, his plane ticket and 3 months rent to ge thim there right?

Oh wait they did.

This was just an excuse to not stay in the UK. He said he would go without checking with his girlfriend. He sent me an IM asking if I knew if anyone was hiring.

I told him there was an opening in our UK office.

I don't think he got the joke.

Sorry this blog was so scattered and not funny at all. It's been a busy few weeks and like I said I am sore. I am also tired.

The second boy is a day closer to keeping me up nights, but he and the wife are healthy so that is good.

Until next time.

Can I touch your new cans....?

Kat has a microwave in her cube that we all use to heat up lunches. I am heating my lunch up and this guy I work with comes up and says the most outragreous thing I have ever heard.

"Hey Kat when you get your breast implants I'm going to walk up to you and say 'There is something different about you, but I can't put my hands on it....or can I?'"

He then went on to have the longest phlegmiest (dude smokes like 2 packs a day) laugh I have ever heard.

He is in his late 40's-early 50's. Looks grubby. He is an ok guy, but we work in an office!

People have been slapped with sexual harassment for a lot less. Kat just let it roll off her back, but damn.

How is it I work in a place where a guy goes up to a woman and says he wants to feel her breasts after she gets implants, and I'm the only one who thinks its odd?

I'm no prude. I know guys talk, but to actually go and say that to a woman is insane.

He was joking, unless Kat let him feel her up in which case he totally wasn't, but isn't that a huge risk?

I don't work for Vivid video, this is an office. Am I just too uptight? I don't think that I am, but I was surprised as fuck when this guy said this.

I know Kat had told some guys they could feel them when she got the implants, but that is her perogative and it was outside of work.

I don't know man. It just weirded me out to be there when that dude said that.

Chick logic....

I might have another post later this week about the insanity and just plain "If I were working somewhere else everyone would probably be fired" week I've been having at the job, but I meant to post this last week and somehow got sidetracked.

Anyways, chick logic.

It's fucked. Women make no sense whatsoever. I am truly befuddled by women.

My wife and I are friends with this girl. Great looking girl. Super cool too.

She loves football, baseball, even has started ice fishing with this new guy she is seeing.

We'll get to the new guy in a bit.

So anyways this girl was seeing this asshole for like 8 years. It was a relationship of convenience. People who knew her didn't even know she had a boyfriend. I probably met him four times in the six years or so I've known this girl.


Guys were hittting on her all the time not knowing she had a boyfriend.

Anyways this boyfriend was a dick.

Example:

A few summers ago my wife and I go on a little weekend summer vacation with them. We went to Maine I think. It was actually the weekend of this girls birthday. One day my wife and the girl want to go shopping.

Me and the boyfriend aren't into it so we grab lunch and see a movie or something. the next day is her birthday. She wants to go shopping.


Again I'm not into it but it's her birthday so I go along.

Her boyfriend stays in the room.

Classy.

So eventually she dumps this guy and embraces single life. She is meeting dudes and going out with them. Hooking up and having fun.

God for her. She's finally getting some.

She gets out of that phase of the one nighters and just having fun and is looking for something substantial.

She thinks she has found it with this guy. I haven't met him yet but my wife has and he seems like a nice guy. My wife was saying that she was taking it slow and hasn't slept with this guy because:

"She really likes him."

This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard.

She can hook up and bang dudes she doesn't really care about, but when she meets a guy she really likes the legs get closed.

Fucking chick logic.

I just don't get it. You like the guy. You want to be with him. You (presumably) want to sleep with him, but are denying him from sex because you REALLY LIKE HIM?

That is so dumb it makes retards look like geniuses.

Eggnog...?

We're having a baby. Another boy to be precise. For some reason it is biologically impossible for a male in my family to have more than one female a generation. Since my cousin has a daughter I guess I'm the one who is keeping the family name going.

I can live with that.


We had the 3-D ultrasound last Friday and my son was with us. He wanted to make sure that his mom was ok during the whole process and was wondering why they put jelly on mommies belly.

When he saw the baby and we found out it was a boy he asked if it was playing with cars in there.

He will be a good big brother.

We started talking about boy names on the way home. I used to like the name Noah, but Kat has a kid named that and frankly if it's good enough for her, then I want better.

I like the name Myles and Cole. We've talked about Ben or Daniel as well. I tend to like the name Jake, but since my oldest is Jack it might be confusing.

I'm really leaning towards Cole. It's a short name which I like and it is distinctly masculine and American.

Anyways...

We asked my son what he thought a good name was. He was fully on the Lightning McQueen and Mater bandwagon.

My son is somewhat obsessed with the PIXAR movie "Cars".

We called my folks and gave them the good news. My parents were quite happy.

I called my grandmother and told her and her reply was

"That's OK."

That's OK? Like I said I didn't get the raise I wanted or I only got a C on a test. I am telling them about their second great- grandchild, the second great-grandchild that they made quite a production out of saying that they would not live long enough to see.

My family is big with the drama.

So when we told my folks about the sex of the baby they asked my son what he wanted to name his new little brother.

I was expecting any number of Cars characters.

My son, never one to go with the expected, says "Eggnog".

So I hope to welcome baby Eggnog to the family sometime in early July. We might work on the name between now and then though.

You can totally feel them...

So the team outing that I skipped was last week. After two weeks of being hassled about it the day came and went and I missed it.

Apparently I missed some good stuff.

Kat is definitely getting her boobs done. She went into great detail about her surgery. She even told all of the guys in my group that she can feel her cans.

Feel her fake boobs.

She is a co-worker and wants her male co-workers to feel her boobs when she gets implants. If someone did this anywhere else they would be fired without question.

I cannot believe this. All of the guys in my group are married or getting married.

Kat knows this and she still is OK with these guys feeling her boobs.

Am I crazy? I feel like I'm nuts for having to mention the absolute absurdity of this.



Ok on a different note I am now going forward with the nuclear option for my skunk problem. I have blocked off all known access into my yard, but this skunk is determined.

My cuban missile crisis like blockade has failed.

Scorched earth is now my only option. We had snow last week and I am now able to see TONS of skunk tracks in my backyard.

I had blocked off access behind my shed, but the fucker can climb. From behind my shed I see that there is a passage leading underneath the shed.

I've thrown poison in there. I've set poison around there.

If this fails I will get a trap and then drown the fucker.

I will win.


This skunk is like the Vietcong, burrowing holes and having little terrorist attacks on my yard and dog.

I am like a President who is not afraid to go for the ultimate solution for an enemy that refuses to fight. If the poison does not work, then the drowning pool will.

Stay tuned for an update from the front lines.

The origin of species....

I've been listening to The Doors a lot lately.

I think that is important for you to know, but it has nothing to do with this post.

I tend to keep my personal life to myself at work. Yesterday was a perfect example of why.

Cassie was showing everyone pictures of her boyfriends granddaughter. Follow me? Her boyfriend has a 15 year old daughter who was fucking a 22 year old guy who worked at taco bell.

She got pregnant and Cassie got mad. Cassie and her sons have a house with her boyfriend and his kids. When Cassie found out that the 15 year old was pregnant she went nuts. She was telling all of us here that if the girl stayed with them then she would have to get rid of the baby. I'm assuming she meant the baby would be put up for adoption.

So the girl moves to North Carolina to be with her mom. She has the kid and now Cassie is showing everyone pictures of the baby like she is a proud grandma, when in reality she didn't want the kid in her house.

Unreal.

So as Cassie is showing pictures Kat comes over and we are all talking about what kind of parent allows their 15 year old to fuck a 22 year old. This discussion leads to us all talking about discipline and Cassie tells me that Kat swears at her kids like she is a drill sergeant.

Stuff like "Listen to me you little fuck!!"

You know, how a parent is supposed to talk.

So Kat leaves and Cassie does the quick look around to make sure the coast is clear and says:

"I love her to death, but she can be dumb as dirt sometimes."

Cassie then tells me that Kat believed that black peoples' faces looked how they do because they were descended from monkeys, and white people looked like they do because we are descended from God.

At which point I am thinking..."She wants implants and wants to be a stripper, I'm not expecting this girl to cure cancer."

Seriously though I can't believe people can in this day and age believe shit like that. I mean even if you were brought up old school, we live in a world where we have technology and information all over the place.

I just don't get it.

Think before you speak....

You all remember the tan black guy I work with right? His name is Andrew. Well when the director from the UK came to our USA office Andrew had mentioned how he would like to move to England and be the support guy there.


He volunteered.

The UK director was thrilled since he had two guys on his staff that he wasn't overly impressed with.

This thrill turned to ectasy when one of them quit on him. He thought he was getting a US trained support guy for the UK and it couldn't come at a better time since he was down a man.

So the UK director pushes through the hiring process. He makes Andrew go to the embassy to get his visa. He sets up Andrew with an apartment.

This dude isn't fucking around. Andrew said he wanted to move his whole life to a new country and damn it, it was happening at warp fucking speed.

Now Andrew is lazy. Lazy people talk a lot but generally don't do much.

Lazy people aren't big on change.

So Andrew is now swept up in the moment and says how he wants to move to the UK to work for the UK office and now he has to actually do it.

Andrew lives with his girlfriend.

Pretty sure he committed to this without really going over it with her.

Andrew has seemed a little distraught lately and has said "Oh man I'm not really sure about this. It's a big move."

No shit? Really?

Moving to another country? That's a big move?

Holy fuck really? You even need government clearance to do that?

Wow.

Good thing I didn't go and say that I wanted to move to England and work there then. I didn't realize that I would need to get a work permit and leave everything I have ever known to go someplace that calls soccer football.

Wow Andrew thanks for filling me in on that.

Retard.

I knew this was going to happen too and I love it.

I may be heading across the pond to the UK in a few months as well. Of course no dates are set yet, but I have already let the wife know that it will be happening.

That is what adults do. They let the people in their lives know about big things and make a decision based on what works best for them.

I don't go home and tell my wife I am going to England next week.

I tell her it is happening in a few months and we work out a schedule for the kid and just the household in general.

Of course since I am the early guy in the US I will get fucked over by Andrews incompetence.

Ahh it will be worth it to hear the stories about how he is crying at work because he misses America.

Party time!!!

Monday Cassie was telling me she was talking to our director about setting up a night out for our group. Cassie's justification for this was that the sales team was bar hopping last week on the company dime, so we deserved something as well.

My director agreed. So Cassie is telling me this and I am telling her that while that is fine, the only form of appreciation I need is in the form of money. I told her those gatherings were not for me and to have a good time.

Wednesday Kat comes over to my cube and mentions this outing again and then adds that she was told to try to get me to come to this. I ask her if it was Cassie who wanted me there, since you know Cassie is a nosy broad who makes everyones business her business.

I was surprised when Kat said it wasn't Cassie. It was in fact my director Dan. He told Kat to make sure I went to this. Now Kat kinda fucked me over by telling Dan I never wanted a company shirt, so I get the impression Dan thinks I'm not a team player.

To me a team player is someone who is asked to come in at 5 AM and does. It is now 6 am and I have been here for an hour. No one else is, but I am. If I choose to not go to a company party that should be my perogative.

I tell Kat that I won't be able to make it. The main reason is that I get out of work at 1 or 2 depending on the day and my "team" works until about 4 or 5. Where the fuck am I supposed to go for the 2-3 hours in between? Fuck that noise.

Kat tries appealing to the more base aspects of my masculinity by saying we will be doing body shots.

Body shots.

With her.

She has 3 kids from 2 different guys. I could probably get her pregnant by thinking hard.

She knows I am married too. What the fuck is wrong with this chick? Who tells a married man that they can do body shots at a company sponsored function?

Am I crazy?

Kat was at the bar hopping sales extravaganza last week too. She told me she was going to spend the night in a sales guys hotel room because she would be too drunk to drive home.

Yea nothing will happen there huh?

So she shows up to work late the next day dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt. Basically pajamas. I ask her how the traffic from Boston was and she tells me she ended up going home.


Now a rational person would think that:

1.Good she has some respect from herself and didn't want to hook up with a co worker since that's just not a bright idea.

2. She was sober enough to drive home and not be a danger.

3. She is a good mom who wanted to be with her kids.

Yea none of those 3 are what happened.

1. She did hook up with a guy we work with but didn't want to go back to his room because
"I would have been a bad girl tee hee!" and "You might be hearing some stories about me this week!"

2. She was LOADED. "I called this guy I am seeing and he kept me awake while I drove home. He was at my house and got me in my pajamas and put me to bed." Good to know she can call a guy she is dating to be at her house at 3 am to take care of her after she was fooling around with a random sales guy. Although I bet this dude banged her when he put her to bed.

3. Her kids are probably better off not knowing what mommy does for fun.

So with all of that said, why would I ever hang out at a place that had someone like this around? She goes nuts at a large company gathering, what the hell is she going to do at a small team outing?

I would rather stick my hand in a bag of AIDS infested needles than do a body shot with her.

Who the fuck does body shots at company sponsored events anyway? I don't work at Coyote Ugly.

The thing that bugs me most about this stuff is the way white collar jobs take it as an insult if you don't participate in these things.

I'm not blowing off a friends party, I am deciding to spend time with family or friends or just be alone instead of going to a work function on my free time.

These people ask me why I won't go and my director makes a point to make sure I will be there like I am best friends and we never get to see each other.

These people want me to go to these things? Have them during the work day. I'll go then.

If you have it after work, well then tell me who Kat did body shots with, because I won't be there.

Oh for the love of God...

I've been getting up around 3:30 for work lately.

Fun stuff.

When someone gets up at 3:30 AM they do not want, nor can they deal with complications.

Enter my dog....complications personified.

The ritual is I get up and let him outside to piss. While he is pissing I put water in his bowl and give him his food. I open the door and let him eat. While he is eating I get ready. After he is done I let him out again to shit and I make my lunch at this point.

I am at the lunch making point and I hear the dog bark for a second but I don't think anything of it.

My dog barks at everything so it's not a concern.

So I am making lunch and the food smells awful. It just stinks and it's actually getting stronger.

So of course I taste the food to see if it's bad.

I know stupid idea but it's 3:30 and I am so out of it.

Food tastes fine.

FUCKING DOG.

I open the door and notice a yellowish stain that wasn't there when I let him out. There is a familiar but much stronger odor as well.

skunk.

Dog got sprayed.

This is the second time in about 5 months. You would think getting tagged once would be enough for my dog.

Nope. He's no quitter.

Besides hating Brazlians, it seems my dog likes to antagonize skunks.

I don't have time to clean him so I put him in the basement and go to get ready.

I'm upstairs in the shower and the door is closed and I can smell my dog.

This is no good so I let him outside and decide he is going to stay there all day until I get home and can bathe him. Of course now its 4:15 AM and my house and clothes smell like skunk.

Oh and in the 30 minutes he was in the basement, my dog shit like it was going oout of style down there.

It was a fun day.

I'm not gay or anything but...

This week is the big sales meeting at my company. Sales Engineers from all over the world now head back here to the home office for mingling, boozing, and one assumes to learn something.

In our UK office it is now manned by one guy. Everyone else in that office is here so he has the whole place to himself. Good for him.

I feel like that too. I come into work at 6am now to help out with the UK. If I am in at 6 I can take critical issues and get support here.

I like it because I am out of work at 2 pm and it saves me money on the babysitter.

The UK site has gotten a new manager. I like this guy because he doesn't take any shit. The UK site has kind of been a joke around here because they don't do shit. This manager wants to change all of that. He has been cracking down and kicking ass.

He has been pretty impressed with my work too. He brought me an $80.00 bottle of scotch when he came down for the sales meeting. Was pretty nice of him.

I'll have to start drinking scotch now.

Anyway.

The dude who is all alone in the UK is the biggest screwup of all of the UK screw ups. I kept hearing how he was going to be fired as soon as the got someone.

I felt bad. I had only talked to this guy on the phone but he seemed nice. He was totally clueless about the job, but he seemed really nice.

So he is also a coward. While everyone is in the USA for the sales meeting, he calls or emails his boss and quits.

You stay classy.

So of course the UK manager doesn't accept his notice and tells him to get out of the office right away.

He is the only one there. He could steal shit, break shit, whatever. The point is he is no longer a company employee and he is unsupervised.

This now comes to me. I have to be in the office at 5 am now. It is about 10 or 11 in the UK at that time so it's the best we can do until we get someone over there.

Now onto the blog title. Dealing with the UK has put me in a UK kind of mood regarding music. This morning before I left for work I put the best of New Order and the best of the Smiths on my ipod.

As I was driving in listening to the Smiths in the car I thought back 16 (Holy fuck has it been that long?) years ago to my first job in a department store. It was the early 90's and I was a little guy who was into alternative music.

This blond dude is working in the receiving area and talking about the Smiths. He is saying how he saw them in concert and was really impressed by the lead singer Morissey. (Morissey is very very very VERY gay)

He then goes on to say how Morissey ripped his shirt off and threw it into the audience. The dude telling the story caught the shirt. He went on to say how good it smelled and then followed up with:

"I'm not gay or anything, but I would have fucked him that night."

I was like "Umm dude...if you would fuck a guy, then you're gay."

He denied it saying it was just a moment that he felt like that. I was like uh huh.

He quit like 2 weeks later.

Just thought of that story around 4 am driving because some limey quit.

Ugh....

My wife comes home last night and tells me that her mom wants to take us out to breakfast this weekend.

I do not want to do this.

I can't stand my mother in law. I can't make eye contact with her. She annoys me. Drives me up a wall.

Imagine a 14 year old girl, but she is really 48 years old.

That is my mother in law.

She is, in my opinion, a part time mom and a part time grandmother.

Before my son was born she went all over her town and told people how she would be watching my kid when my wife went back to work.

My wife was crazy about this. I was not. My wife has a 12 year old brother. Up until recently this kid has been a terror.

Since this is a direct result of parenthood, then well you can see my hesitation. Also the woman can't follow through.

This was proved about 3 months after she started watching my kid. She said to my wife "I don't know how much longer I can do this."

The thing is I wasn't even surprised. My mother in law loves being perceived as someone who can do it all. She can run her own business, be a single mom, and watch her grandchild.

For about three months.

As soon as the accolades died down, so did her enthusiasm for watching my son.

I was so glad. I didn't like picking my kid up at her place. She would have men around my son that were her flavor of the month.

I don't like strange dudes around my kid.

Anyway.

We end up finding and paying a babysitter and it's great. I see my mother in law less which is great.

The downside is I have to have breakfast with her on my day off.

I just wanted to sleep in.

Two stories....

Two stories this week. They both involve the women I work with. The first is with the mom of 3 who is 27 years old.

January 2 she comes to my cube complaining/bragging about how much she boozed on New Years Eve.

She is telling me the story and I am only half listening because let's face it...the party is always the same.

1. She gets drunk.

2. Her kids are there or she has to drive them home.

3. She goes to bed at 4 am.

So I am only half listening when I hear "No panty lines, I'm not wearing underwear!"

I hit rewind in my head. She was talking about her (SMOKING HOT) sister who showed up at her party wearing a tube dress. Kat said the dress came down just below her sisters vagina.

Kat didn't notice any panty lines and asked her sister why. Her sister said it was because she wasn't wearing any underwear.

God bless her.

So then Kat goes on to say how her sister isn't promiscuous, she just likes to look sexy.
Then she said she had to keep telling her sister to keep her legs closed when she sat down.

I love this family.

I asked Kat why her dad let her sister out dressed like that.
"After me he just gave up."

So after she got knocked up at 19, got married, had another kid, got divorced, got married again, had another kid and then got divorced again, he gave up.

I don't know man. I'd consider her just a bad string of luck and move on with the next one.

So the Kat tells me her sister wants her to come with her for support because she has a job interview.

I ask where her sister is going to work.

She says "Macs Two"

In case you didn't know, Macs Two is the only 18+ strip club in Massachusetts. The owner gave up his liquor license so he could let 18 year olds in.

I'm like really? Kat goes on to tell me how it's a start for her sister to learn how to dance and eventually move up into a better club. She tells me she has a friend with a kid who makes one thousand dollars a week at Centerfolds in Boston.

To which I reply: "I bet that's not even her working 40 hours a week."

Kat agrees. I then tell Kat she should probably get into the stripping game.

"I know I really should. I want to, but the timing isn't right you know?"

I do know Kat. I do.

I ask Kat how old her sister is.

"18."

"Oh so she skip college this year?"

"Oh no. She graduates high school in June."

AWESOME.

So imagine you are a senior in high school and you have a crush on this girl who doesn't wear underwear. You and your buddies go to the only strip club you can get into and see your dreamgirl dancing.

Look but don't touch boys...she's not promiscuous. Sure she is 18, in high school and stripping, but I'm sure that's because Stop and Shop wasn't hiring.


Story two.

I work with this guy Andrew. Not a bad guy, just lazy. Around December 15th he went to Nairobi for a month long vacation to see his family.

He came back yesterday. He had a great time. Told me they slaughtered two goats for him.

The second one gave him food poisoning.

I guess that happens from time to time.

So the other lady I work with, Cassie sees Andrew and says.

"Welcome back! Looks like you got some color on your trip!"

Andrew is like "Umm yea."

Andrew leaves and I look at Cassie and ask her what the hell is wrong with her?

See Andrew is black. Cassie said it looks like he got some color.

Is there anything wrong there?

She didn't see the problem. I'm like "Cassie the dude is black not Irish for fucks sake!"

She replies "I'm Irish, what are you trying to say?"

I can't win I really can't.

The case of the lunger on Christmas Eve....

My mother in law is insane. She surrounds herself with insane people.

She dates insane men.

I try to avoid her as much as possible. Mostly because I don't like her, but the insane thing is a part of it too.

She is dating a motivational speaker/life coach now.

He is a huge tool. His name is Rob.

Whenever I see him he is in a tank top and swim shorts and sitting in open leg positions so his balls are flopping.

Good times.

So for Christmas Eve we go to see my wifes family. My sister in law is with us for the holiday and her and my wife are nervous since my mother in laws boyfriend will be there.

They don't like him and aren't comfortable with him being there.

We're all joking about how he will probably be wearing the tank top and shorts when we see him.

It's fun.

So we get there and he is dressed normally. He has a shirt and sweater on. He is wearing slacks.

He is passing for human.

I do what I normally do when I am with my wifes family.

I start to get drunk.

The Patriots are on and I am boozing with my buddy Ryan, when Ryan starts talking about Rob.

Now let me preface by saying that Ryan and his Dad John are guys. They ain't fags. They are just beer drinking football loving men.

So Ryan tells me that Rob comes up to him and his dad and asks them what they think his pants are made of.

Not really an icebreaker, but lets move on. He then tells them that his pants are made of hemp and its a good material.

WTF is wrong with this guy?

Later we are watching football and Ryans dad asks me where Rob went. Rob has been missing for an hour or so now.

I tell Ryans dad (John) that it's probably a Christmas miracle that he is gone and not to jinx it.

About 10 minutes later we see Rob.

In a T-shirt and shorts.

It's Christmas Eve! He is meeting the family for the first time. He changes his clothes.

Oh yea.

He was barefoot too.

I now decide to get really drunk and watch as things unfold. My wife and sister in law are giving me looks.

I love it.

Then the fun starts. The house we were at has an island in the kitchen.

Rob braces his hands against it and starts doing push ups while leaning on the island.

This is while we are all there getting food. No one says anything.

Rob finishes the upper body workout and moves into the living room.

He starts doing leg lunges.

It is officially the best Christmas ever.

The wife and sister in law throw an ether soaked rag over my mouth and drag me to the car so we can make our escape home to laugh and gossip about the tragedy that is now their family.

The rest of the vacation was kind of a snooze after that.