Eggnog...?

We're having a baby. Another boy to be precise. For some reason it is biologically impossible for a male in my family to have more than one female a generation. Since my cousin has a daughter I guess I'm the one who is keeping the family name going.

I can live with that.


We had the 3-D ultrasound last Friday and my son was with us. He wanted to make sure that his mom was ok during the whole process and was wondering why they put jelly on mommies belly.

When he saw the baby and we found out it was a boy he asked if it was playing with cars in there.

He will be a good big brother.

We started talking about boy names on the way home. I used to like the name Noah, but Kat has a kid named that and frankly if it's good enough for her, then I want better.

I like the name Myles and Cole. We've talked about Ben or Daniel as well. I tend to like the name Jake, but since my oldest is Jack it might be confusing.

I'm really leaning towards Cole. It's a short name which I like and it is distinctly masculine and American.

Anyways...

We asked my son what he thought a good name was. He was fully on the Lightning McQueen and Mater bandwagon.

My son is somewhat obsessed with the PIXAR movie "Cars".

We called my folks and gave them the good news. My parents were quite happy.

I called my grandmother and told her and her reply was

"That's OK."

That's OK? Like I said I didn't get the raise I wanted or I only got a C on a test. I am telling them about their second great- grandchild, the second great-grandchild that they made quite a production out of saying that they would not live long enough to see.

My family is big with the drama.

So when we told my folks about the sex of the baby they asked my son what he wanted to name his new little brother.

I was expecting any number of Cars characters.

My son, never one to go with the expected, says "Eggnog".

So I hope to welcome baby Eggnog to the family sometime in early July. We might work on the name between now and then though.

You can totally feel them...

So the team outing that I skipped was last week. After two weeks of being hassled about it the day came and went and I missed it.

Apparently I missed some good stuff.

Kat is definitely getting her boobs done. She went into great detail about her surgery. She even told all of the guys in my group that she can feel her cans.

Feel her fake boobs.

She is a co-worker and wants her male co-workers to feel her boobs when she gets implants. If someone did this anywhere else they would be fired without question.

I cannot believe this. All of the guys in my group are married or getting married.

Kat knows this and she still is OK with these guys feeling her boobs.

Am I crazy? I feel like I'm nuts for having to mention the absolute absurdity of this.



Ok on a different note I am now going forward with the nuclear option for my skunk problem. I have blocked off all known access into my yard, but this skunk is determined.

My cuban missile crisis like blockade has failed.

Scorched earth is now my only option. We had snow last week and I am now able to see TONS of skunk tracks in my backyard.

I had blocked off access behind my shed, but the fucker can climb. From behind my shed I see that there is a passage leading underneath the shed.

I've thrown poison in there. I've set poison around there.

If this fails I will get a trap and then drown the fucker.

I will win.


This skunk is like the Vietcong, burrowing holes and having little terrorist attacks on my yard and dog.

I am like a President who is not afraid to go for the ultimate solution for an enemy that refuses to fight. If the poison does not work, then the drowning pool will.

Stay tuned for an update from the front lines.

The origin of species....

I've been listening to The Doors a lot lately.

I think that is important for you to know, but it has nothing to do with this post.

I tend to keep my personal life to myself at work. Yesterday was a perfect example of why.

Cassie was showing everyone pictures of her boyfriends granddaughter. Follow me? Her boyfriend has a 15 year old daughter who was fucking a 22 year old guy who worked at taco bell.

She got pregnant and Cassie got mad. Cassie and her sons have a house with her boyfriend and his kids. When Cassie found out that the 15 year old was pregnant she went nuts. She was telling all of us here that if the girl stayed with them then she would have to get rid of the baby. I'm assuming she meant the baby would be put up for adoption.

So the girl moves to North Carolina to be with her mom. She has the kid and now Cassie is showing everyone pictures of the baby like she is a proud grandma, when in reality she didn't want the kid in her house.

Unreal.

So as Cassie is showing pictures Kat comes over and we are all talking about what kind of parent allows their 15 year old to fuck a 22 year old. This discussion leads to us all talking about discipline and Cassie tells me that Kat swears at her kids like she is a drill sergeant.

Stuff like "Listen to me you little fuck!!"

You know, how a parent is supposed to talk.

So Kat leaves and Cassie does the quick look around to make sure the coast is clear and says:

"I love her to death, but she can be dumb as dirt sometimes."

Cassie then tells me that Kat believed that black peoples' faces looked how they do because they were descended from monkeys, and white people looked like they do because we are descended from God.

At which point I am thinking..."She wants implants and wants to be a stripper, I'm not expecting this girl to cure cancer."

Seriously though I can't believe people can in this day and age believe shit like that. I mean even if you were brought up old school, we live in a world where we have technology and information all over the place.

I just don't get it.

Think before you speak....

You all remember the tan black guy I work with right? His name is Andrew. Well when the director from the UK came to our USA office Andrew had mentioned how he would like to move to England and be the support guy there.


He volunteered.

The UK director was thrilled since he had two guys on his staff that he wasn't overly impressed with.

This thrill turned to ectasy when one of them quit on him. He thought he was getting a US trained support guy for the UK and it couldn't come at a better time since he was down a man.

So the UK director pushes through the hiring process. He makes Andrew go to the embassy to get his visa. He sets up Andrew with an apartment.

This dude isn't fucking around. Andrew said he wanted to move his whole life to a new country and damn it, it was happening at warp fucking speed.

Now Andrew is lazy. Lazy people talk a lot but generally don't do much.

Lazy people aren't big on change.

So Andrew is now swept up in the moment and says how he wants to move to the UK to work for the UK office and now he has to actually do it.

Andrew lives with his girlfriend.

Pretty sure he committed to this without really going over it with her.

Andrew has seemed a little distraught lately and has said "Oh man I'm not really sure about this. It's a big move."

No shit? Really?

Moving to another country? That's a big move?

Holy fuck really? You even need government clearance to do that?

Wow.

Good thing I didn't go and say that I wanted to move to England and work there then. I didn't realize that I would need to get a work permit and leave everything I have ever known to go someplace that calls soccer football.

Wow Andrew thanks for filling me in on that.

Retard.

I knew this was going to happen too and I love it.

I may be heading across the pond to the UK in a few months as well. Of course no dates are set yet, but I have already let the wife know that it will be happening.

That is what adults do. They let the people in their lives know about big things and make a decision based on what works best for them.

I don't go home and tell my wife I am going to England next week.

I tell her it is happening in a few months and we work out a schedule for the kid and just the household in general.

Of course since I am the early guy in the US I will get fucked over by Andrews incompetence.

Ahh it will be worth it to hear the stories about how he is crying at work because he misses America.

Party time!!!

Monday Cassie was telling me she was talking to our director about setting up a night out for our group. Cassie's justification for this was that the sales team was bar hopping last week on the company dime, so we deserved something as well.

My director agreed. So Cassie is telling me this and I am telling her that while that is fine, the only form of appreciation I need is in the form of money. I told her those gatherings were not for me and to have a good time.

Wednesday Kat comes over to my cube and mentions this outing again and then adds that she was told to try to get me to come to this. I ask her if it was Cassie who wanted me there, since you know Cassie is a nosy broad who makes everyones business her business.

I was surprised when Kat said it wasn't Cassie. It was in fact my director Dan. He told Kat to make sure I went to this. Now Kat kinda fucked me over by telling Dan I never wanted a company shirt, so I get the impression Dan thinks I'm not a team player.

To me a team player is someone who is asked to come in at 5 AM and does. It is now 6 am and I have been here for an hour. No one else is, but I am. If I choose to not go to a company party that should be my perogative.

I tell Kat that I won't be able to make it. The main reason is that I get out of work at 1 or 2 depending on the day and my "team" works until about 4 or 5. Where the fuck am I supposed to go for the 2-3 hours in between? Fuck that noise.

Kat tries appealing to the more base aspects of my masculinity by saying we will be doing body shots.

Body shots.

With her.

She has 3 kids from 2 different guys. I could probably get her pregnant by thinking hard.

She knows I am married too. What the fuck is wrong with this chick? Who tells a married man that they can do body shots at a company sponsored function?

Am I crazy?

Kat was at the bar hopping sales extravaganza last week too. She told me she was going to spend the night in a sales guys hotel room because she would be too drunk to drive home.

Yea nothing will happen there huh?

So she shows up to work late the next day dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt. Basically pajamas. I ask her how the traffic from Boston was and she tells me she ended up going home.


Now a rational person would think that:

1.Good she has some respect from herself and didn't want to hook up with a co worker since that's just not a bright idea.

2. She was sober enough to drive home and not be a danger.

3. She is a good mom who wanted to be with her kids.

Yea none of those 3 are what happened.

1. She did hook up with a guy we work with but didn't want to go back to his room because
"I would have been a bad girl tee hee!" and "You might be hearing some stories about me this week!"

2. She was LOADED. "I called this guy I am seeing and he kept me awake while I drove home. He was at my house and got me in my pajamas and put me to bed." Good to know she can call a guy she is dating to be at her house at 3 am to take care of her after she was fooling around with a random sales guy. Although I bet this dude banged her when he put her to bed.

3. Her kids are probably better off not knowing what mommy does for fun.

So with all of that said, why would I ever hang out at a place that had someone like this around? She goes nuts at a large company gathering, what the hell is she going to do at a small team outing?

I would rather stick my hand in a bag of AIDS infested needles than do a body shot with her.

Who the fuck does body shots at company sponsored events anyway? I don't work at Coyote Ugly.

The thing that bugs me most about this stuff is the way white collar jobs take it as an insult if you don't participate in these things.

I'm not blowing off a friends party, I am deciding to spend time with family or friends or just be alone instead of going to a work function on my free time.

These people ask me why I won't go and my director makes a point to make sure I will be there like I am best friends and we never get to see each other.

These people want me to go to these things? Have them during the work day. I'll go then.

If you have it after work, well then tell me who Kat did body shots with, because I won't be there.