I've been getting up around 3:30 for work lately.
Fun stuff.
When someone gets up at 3:30 AM they do not want, nor can they deal with complications.
Enter my dog....complications personified.
The ritual is I get up and let him outside to piss. While he is pissing I put water in his bowl and give him his food. I open the door and let him eat. While he is eating I get ready. After he is done I let him out again to shit and I make my lunch at this point.
I am at the lunch making point and I hear the dog bark for a second but I don't think anything of it.
My dog barks at everything so it's not a concern.
So I am making lunch and the food smells awful. It just stinks and it's actually getting stronger.
So of course I taste the food to see if it's bad.
I know stupid idea but it's 3:30 and I am so out of it.
Food tastes fine.
FUCKING DOG.
I open the door and notice a yellowish stain that wasn't there when I let him out. There is a familiar but much stronger odor as well.
skunk.
Dog got sprayed.
This is the second time in about 5 months. You would think getting tagged once would be enough for my dog.
Nope. He's no quitter.
Besides hating Brazlians, it seems my dog likes to antagonize skunks.
I don't have time to clean him so I put him in the basement and go to get ready.
I'm upstairs in the shower and the door is closed and I can smell my dog.
This is no good so I let him outside and decide he is going to stay there all day until I get home and can bathe him. Of course now its 4:15 AM and my house and clothes smell like skunk.
Oh and in the 30 minutes he was in the basement, my dog shit like it was going oout of style down there.
It was a fun day.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Thursday, January 25, 2007
I'm not gay or anything but...
This week is the big sales meeting at my company. Sales Engineers from all over the world now head back here to the home office for mingling, boozing, and one assumes to learn something.
In our UK office it is now manned by one guy. Everyone else in that office is here so he has the whole place to himself. Good for him.
I feel like that too. I come into work at 6am now to help out with the UK. If I am in at 6 I can take critical issues and get support here.
I like it because I am out of work at 2 pm and it saves me money on the babysitter.
The UK site has gotten a new manager. I like this guy because he doesn't take any shit. The UK site has kind of been a joke around here because they don't do shit. This manager wants to change all of that. He has been cracking down and kicking ass.
He has been pretty impressed with my work too. He brought me an $80.00 bottle of scotch when he came down for the sales meeting. Was pretty nice of him.
I'll have to start drinking scotch now.
Anyway.
The dude who is all alone in the UK is the biggest screwup of all of the UK screw ups. I kept hearing how he was going to be fired as soon as the got someone.
I felt bad. I had only talked to this guy on the phone but he seemed nice. He was totally clueless about the job, but he seemed really nice.
So he is also a coward. While everyone is in the USA for the sales meeting, he calls or emails his boss and quits.
You stay classy.
So of course the UK manager doesn't accept his notice and tells him to get out of the office right away.
He is the only one there. He could steal shit, break shit, whatever. The point is he is no longer a company employee and he is unsupervised.
This now comes to me. I have to be in the office at 5 am now. It is about 10 or 11 in the UK at that time so it's the best we can do until we get someone over there.
Now onto the blog title. Dealing with the UK has put me in a UK kind of mood regarding music. This morning before I left for work I put the best of New Order and the best of the Smiths on my ipod.
As I was driving in listening to the Smiths in the car I thought back 16 (Holy fuck has it been that long?) years ago to my first job in a department store. It was the early 90's and I was a little guy who was into alternative music.
This blond dude is working in the receiving area and talking about the Smiths. He is saying how he saw them in concert and was really impressed by the lead singer Morissey. (Morissey is very very very VERY gay)
He then goes on to say how Morissey ripped his shirt off and threw it into the audience. The dude telling the story caught the shirt. He went on to say how good it smelled and then followed up with:
"I'm not gay or anything, but I would have fucked him that night."
I was like "Umm dude...if you would fuck a guy, then you're gay."
He denied it saying it was just a moment that he felt like that. I was like uh huh.
He quit like 2 weeks later.
Just thought of that story around 4 am driving because some limey quit.
In our UK office it is now manned by one guy. Everyone else in that office is here so he has the whole place to himself. Good for him.
I feel like that too. I come into work at 6am now to help out with the UK. If I am in at 6 I can take critical issues and get support here.
I like it because I am out of work at 2 pm and it saves me money on the babysitter.
The UK site has gotten a new manager. I like this guy because he doesn't take any shit. The UK site has kind of been a joke around here because they don't do shit. This manager wants to change all of that. He has been cracking down and kicking ass.
He has been pretty impressed with my work too. He brought me an $80.00 bottle of scotch when he came down for the sales meeting. Was pretty nice of him.
I'll have to start drinking scotch now.
Anyway.
The dude who is all alone in the UK is the biggest screwup of all of the UK screw ups. I kept hearing how he was going to be fired as soon as the got someone.
I felt bad. I had only talked to this guy on the phone but he seemed nice. He was totally clueless about the job, but he seemed really nice.
So he is also a coward. While everyone is in the USA for the sales meeting, he calls or emails his boss and quits.
You stay classy.
So of course the UK manager doesn't accept his notice and tells him to get out of the office right away.
He is the only one there. He could steal shit, break shit, whatever. The point is he is no longer a company employee and he is unsupervised.
This now comes to me. I have to be in the office at 5 am now. It is about 10 or 11 in the UK at that time so it's the best we can do until we get someone over there.
Now onto the blog title. Dealing with the UK has put me in a UK kind of mood regarding music. This morning before I left for work I put the best of New Order and the best of the Smiths on my ipod.
As I was driving in listening to the Smiths in the car I thought back 16 (Holy fuck has it been that long?) years ago to my first job in a department store. It was the early 90's and I was a little guy who was into alternative music.
This blond dude is working in the receiving area and talking about the Smiths. He is saying how he saw them in concert and was really impressed by the lead singer Morissey. (Morissey is very very very VERY gay)
He then goes on to say how Morissey ripped his shirt off and threw it into the audience. The dude telling the story caught the shirt. He went on to say how good it smelled and then followed up with:
"I'm not gay or anything, but I would have fucked him that night."
I was like "Umm dude...if you would fuck a guy, then you're gay."
He denied it saying it was just a moment that he felt like that. I was like uh huh.
He quit like 2 weeks later.
Just thought of that story around 4 am driving because some limey quit.
Friday, January 12, 2007
Ugh....
My wife comes home last night and tells me that her mom wants to take us out to breakfast this weekend.
I do not want to do this.
I can't stand my mother in law. I can't make eye contact with her. She annoys me. Drives me up a wall.
Imagine a 14 year old girl, but she is really 48 years old.
That is my mother in law.
She is, in my opinion, a part time mom and a part time grandmother.
Before my son was born she went all over her town and told people how she would be watching my kid when my wife went back to work.
My wife was crazy about this. I was not. My wife has a 12 year old brother. Up until recently this kid has been a terror.
Since this is a direct result of parenthood, then well you can see my hesitation. Also the woman can't follow through.
This was proved about 3 months after she started watching my kid. She said to my wife "I don't know how much longer I can do this."
The thing is I wasn't even surprised. My mother in law loves being perceived as someone who can do it all. She can run her own business, be a single mom, and watch her grandchild.
For about three months.
As soon as the accolades died down, so did her enthusiasm for watching my son.
I was so glad. I didn't like picking my kid up at her place. She would have men around my son that were her flavor of the month.
I don't like strange dudes around my kid.
Anyway.
We end up finding and paying a babysitter and it's great. I see my mother in law less which is great.
The downside is I have to have breakfast with her on my day off.
I just wanted to sleep in.
I do not want to do this.
I can't stand my mother in law. I can't make eye contact with her. She annoys me. Drives me up a wall.
Imagine a 14 year old girl, but she is really 48 years old.
That is my mother in law.
She is, in my opinion, a part time mom and a part time grandmother.
Before my son was born she went all over her town and told people how she would be watching my kid when my wife went back to work.
My wife was crazy about this. I was not. My wife has a 12 year old brother. Up until recently this kid has been a terror.
Since this is a direct result of parenthood, then well you can see my hesitation. Also the woman can't follow through.
This was proved about 3 months after she started watching my kid. She said to my wife "I don't know how much longer I can do this."
The thing is I wasn't even surprised. My mother in law loves being perceived as someone who can do it all. She can run her own business, be a single mom, and watch her grandchild.
For about three months.
As soon as the accolades died down, so did her enthusiasm for watching my son.
I was so glad. I didn't like picking my kid up at her place. She would have men around my son that were her flavor of the month.
I don't like strange dudes around my kid.
Anyway.
We end up finding and paying a babysitter and it's great. I see my mother in law less which is great.
The downside is I have to have breakfast with her on my day off.
I just wanted to sleep in.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Two stories....
Two stories this week. They both involve the women I work with. The first is with the mom of 3 who is 27 years old.
January 2 she comes to my cube complaining/bragging about how much she boozed on New Years Eve.
She is telling me the story and I am only half listening because let's face it...the party is always the same.
1. She gets drunk.
2. Her kids are there or she has to drive them home.
3. She goes to bed at 4 am.
So I am only half listening when I hear "No panty lines, I'm not wearing underwear!"
I hit rewind in my head. She was talking about her (SMOKING HOT) sister who showed up at her party wearing a tube dress. Kat said the dress came down just below her sisters vagina.
Kat didn't notice any panty lines and asked her sister why. Her sister said it was because she wasn't wearing any underwear.
God bless her.
So then Kat goes on to say how her sister isn't promiscuous, she just likes to look sexy.
Then she said she had to keep telling her sister to keep her legs closed when she sat down.
I love this family.
I asked Kat why her dad let her sister out dressed like that.
"After me he just gave up."
So after she got knocked up at 19, got married, had another kid, got divorced, got married again, had another kid and then got divorced again, he gave up.
I don't know man. I'd consider her just a bad string of luck and move on with the next one.
So the Kat tells me her sister wants her to come with her for support because she has a job interview.
I ask where her sister is going to work.
She says "Macs Two"
In case you didn't know, Macs Two is the only 18+ strip club in Massachusetts. The owner gave up his liquor license so he could let 18 year olds in.
I'm like really? Kat goes on to tell me how it's a start for her sister to learn how to dance and eventually move up into a better club. She tells me she has a friend with a kid who makes one thousand dollars a week at Centerfolds in Boston.
To which I reply: "I bet that's not even her working 40 hours a week."
Kat agrees. I then tell Kat she should probably get into the stripping game.
"I know I really should. I want to, but the timing isn't right you know?"
I do know Kat. I do.
I ask Kat how old her sister is.
"18."
"Oh so she skip college this year?"
"Oh no. She graduates high school in June."
AWESOME.
So imagine you are a senior in high school and you have a crush on this girl who doesn't wear underwear. You and your buddies go to the only strip club you can get into and see your dreamgirl dancing.
Look but don't touch boys...she's not promiscuous. Sure she is 18, in high school and stripping, but I'm sure that's because Stop and Shop wasn't hiring.
Story two.
I work with this guy Andrew. Not a bad guy, just lazy. Around December 15th he went to Nairobi for a month long vacation to see his family.
He came back yesterday. He had a great time. Told me they slaughtered two goats for him.
The second one gave him food poisoning.
I guess that happens from time to time.
So the other lady I work with, Cassie sees Andrew and says.
"Welcome back! Looks like you got some color on your trip!"
Andrew is like "Umm yea."
Andrew leaves and I look at Cassie and ask her what the hell is wrong with her?
See Andrew is black. Cassie said it looks like he got some color.
Is there anything wrong there?
She didn't see the problem. I'm like "Cassie the dude is black not Irish for fucks sake!"
She replies "I'm Irish, what are you trying to say?"
I can't win I really can't.
January 2 she comes to my cube complaining/bragging about how much she boozed on New Years Eve.
She is telling me the story and I am only half listening because let's face it...the party is always the same.
1. She gets drunk.
2. Her kids are there or she has to drive them home.
3. She goes to bed at 4 am.
So I am only half listening when I hear "No panty lines, I'm not wearing underwear!"
I hit rewind in my head. She was talking about her (SMOKING HOT) sister who showed up at her party wearing a tube dress. Kat said the dress came down just below her sisters vagina.
Kat didn't notice any panty lines and asked her sister why. Her sister said it was because she wasn't wearing any underwear.
God bless her.
So then Kat goes on to say how her sister isn't promiscuous, she just likes to look sexy.
Then she said she had to keep telling her sister to keep her legs closed when she sat down.
I love this family.
I asked Kat why her dad let her sister out dressed like that.
"After me he just gave up."
So after she got knocked up at 19, got married, had another kid, got divorced, got married again, had another kid and then got divorced again, he gave up.
I don't know man. I'd consider her just a bad string of luck and move on with the next one.
So the Kat tells me her sister wants her to come with her for support because she has a job interview.
I ask where her sister is going to work.
She says "Macs Two"
In case you didn't know, Macs Two is the only 18+ strip club in Massachusetts. The owner gave up his liquor license so he could let 18 year olds in.
I'm like really? Kat goes on to tell me how it's a start for her sister to learn how to dance and eventually move up into a better club. She tells me she has a friend with a kid who makes one thousand dollars a week at Centerfolds in Boston.
To which I reply: "I bet that's not even her working 40 hours a week."
Kat agrees. I then tell Kat she should probably get into the stripping game.
"I know I really should. I want to, but the timing isn't right you know?"
I do know Kat. I do.
I ask Kat how old her sister is.
"18."
"Oh so she skip college this year?"
"Oh no. She graduates high school in June."
AWESOME.
So imagine you are a senior in high school and you have a crush on this girl who doesn't wear underwear. You and your buddies go to the only strip club you can get into and see your dreamgirl dancing.
Look but don't touch boys...she's not promiscuous. Sure she is 18, in high school and stripping, but I'm sure that's because Stop and Shop wasn't hiring.
Story two.
I work with this guy Andrew. Not a bad guy, just lazy. Around December 15th he went to Nairobi for a month long vacation to see his family.
He came back yesterday. He had a great time. Told me they slaughtered two goats for him.
The second one gave him food poisoning.
I guess that happens from time to time.
So the other lady I work with, Cassie sees Andrew and says.
"Welcome back! Looks like you got some color on your trip!"
Andrew is like "Umm yea."
Andrew leaves and I look at Cassie and ask her what the hell is wrong with her?
See Andrew is black. Cassie said it looks like he got some color.
Is there anything wrong there?
She didn't see the problem. I'm like "Cassie the dude is black not Irish for fucks sake!"
She replies "I'm Irish, what are you trying to say?"
I can't win I really can't.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
The case of the lunger on Christmas Eve....
My mother in law is insane. She surrounds herself with insane people.
She dates insane men.
I try to avoid her as much as possible. Mostly because I don't like her, but the insane thing is a part of it too.
She is dating a motivational speaker/life coach now.
He is a huge tool. His name is Rob.
Whenever I see him he is in a tank top and swim shorts and sitting in open leg positions so his balls are flopping.
Good times.
So for Christmas Eve we go to see my wifes family. My sister in law is with us for the holiday and her and my wife are nervous since my mother in laws boyfriend will be there.
They don't like him and aren't comfortable with him being there.
We're all joking about how he will probably be wearing the tank top and shorts when we see him.
It's fun.
So we get there and he is dressed normally. He has a shirt and sweater on. He is wearing slacks.
He is passing for human.
I do what I normally do when I am with my wifes family.
I start to get drunk.
The Patriots are on and I am boozing with my buddy Ryan, when Ryan starts talking about Rob.
Now let me preface by saying that Ryan and his Dad John are guys. They ain't fags. They are just beer drinking football loving men.
So Ryan tells me that Rob comes up to him and his dad and asks them what they think his pants are made of.
Not really an icebreaker, but lets move on. He then tells them that his pants are made of hemp and its a good material.
WTF is wrong with this guy?
Later we are watching football and Ryans dad asks me where Rob went. Rob has been missing for an hour or so now.
I tell Ryans dad (John) that it's probably a Christmas miracle that he is gone and not to jinx it.
About 10 minutes later we see Rob.
In a T-shirt and shorts.
It's Christmas Eve! He is meeting the family for the first time. He changes his clothes.
Oh yea.
He was barefoot too.
I now decide to get really drunk and watch as things unfold. My wife and sister in law are giving me looks.
I love it.
Then the fun starts. The house we were at has an island in the kitchen.
Rob braces his hands against it and starts doing push ups while leaning on the island.
This is while we are all there getting food. No one says anything.
Rob finishes the upper body workout and moves into the living room.
He starts doing leg lunges.
It is officially the best Christmas ever.
The wife and sister in law throw an ether soaked rag over my mouth and drag me to the car so we can make our escape home to laugh and gossip about the tragedy that is now their family.
The rest of the vacation was kind of a snooze after that.
She dates insane men.
I try to avoid her as much as possible. Mostly because I don't like her, but the insane thing is a part of it too.
She is dating a motivational speaker/life coach now.
He is a huge tool. His name is Rob.
Whenever I see him he is in a tank top and swim shorts and sitting in open leg positions so his balls are flopping.
Good times.
So for Christmas Eve we go to see my wifes family. My sister in law is with us for the holiday and her and my wife are nervous since my mother in laws boyfriend will be there.
They don't like him and aren't comfortable with him being there.
We're all joking about how he will probably be wearing the tank top and shorts when we see him.
It's fun.
So we get there and he is dressed normally. He has a shirt and sweater on. He is wearing slacks.
He is passing for human.
I do what I normally do when I am with my wifes family.
I start to get drunk.
The Patriots are on and I am boozing with my buddy Ryan, when Ryan starts talking about Rob.
Now let me preface by saying that Ryan and his Dad John are guys. They ain't fags. They are just beer drinking football loving men.
So Ryan tells me that Rob comes up to him and his dad and asks them what they think his pants are made of.
Not really an icebreaker, but lets move on. He then tells them that his pants are made of hemp and its a good material.
WTF is wrong with this guy?
Later we are watching football and Ryans dad asks me where Rob went. Rob has been missing for an hour or so now.
I tell Ryans dad (John) that it's probably a Christmas miracle that he is gone and not to jinx it.
About 10 minutes later we see Rob.
In a T-shirt and shorts.
It's Christmas Eve! He is meeting the family for the first time. He changes his clothes.
Oh yea.
He was barefoot too.
I now decide to get really drunk and watch as things unfold. My wife and sister in law are giving me looks.
I love it.
Then the fun starts. The house we were at has an island in the kitchen.
Rob braces his hands against it and starts doing push ups while leaning on the island.
This is while we are all there getting food. No one says anything.
Rob finishes the upper body workout and moves into the living room.
He starts doing leg lunges.
It is officially the best Christmas ever.
The wife and sister in law throw an ether soaked rag over my mouth and drag me to the car so we can make our escape home to laugh and gossip about the tragedy that is now their family.
The rest of the vacation was kind of a snooze after that.