You make me feel like a whore...

"Oh man I'm so hung over."

"Have a rough night last night?"

"Yea I was closed the bar near my house....I'm hurting today dude."

This was a conversation I have with the 27 year old single mother of 3 children last Friday.

Did I mention that the kids don't have the same dad? Hard to believe such a responsible woman would have kids from different dads, much less at the ripe old age of 27.

One of my co-workers said it best:

"That box must be BUSTED!!"

This chick is the annoying soccer moms (Cassie) friend. Cassie got her hired so as you can see they share some slutty similarities.

This new chick comes into work dressed like she gets paid for sex. I've mentioned the outfits before, but the partying until 1:30 in the morning was news that I had to share.

She bitches about her deadbeat ex husband, who I guess is the father of 2 of her kids.

Two out of three ain't bad I guess.

So I know a few things about her.

1. I could probably nail her with a 6 pack of PBR and a backrub.
2. She is not a fan of birthcontrol (BONUS!!)
3. She is a slut.

How do you get knocked up three times by at least two different dudes before you hit 30?

She has a good job. She bitches about these exes of hers, but jesus christ she is out on Thursday nights getting loaded.

You're a fucking parent. You don't get to do that shit anymore.

You're life sucks, well so does mine. Don't make your kids life worse by blowing cash and getting drunk like a college student.

I didn't go out a lot when I was married. I did when I was single, but when I got married that was behind. Sure there are guys weekends and shit like that, but that is not often.

After I had a kid that curbed even more. I can't imagine now going out getting loaded on a work night.

This bitch does and is looking to me to be like "Yea I've been there man."

Well I have been there, except I was 23 years old at the time.

You're a fucking parent now. The last thing your kid needs to deal with is mommies hangover or wondering who that dude is who kept you up all night fucking mommy in the ass.

Stupid bitch.

Dude I'm surrounded by the brothers here...

So the wife and I went into Boston this weekend for a make up anniversary weekend. We spent the night in the city.

For dinner we went up to the north end and had a great meal at this awesome restaurant called L'Dolce Vita. I tried to get the wife hammered so she would get freaky that night. Instead she had one glass of wine and got sleepy.


We were batting the idea around all week of seeing a comedy show. We finally decided that we would hit the comedy connection and see D.L Hughley perform.

He was a riot. The dude who opened for him, was not.

First of all I've seen the dude who opened before. He opened for Jim Norton at the Comedy Connection 2 years ago.

Two years ago he had the same act that he did on Saturday.

Now two things. D.L Hughley is apparently a big comic in the black community, this was apparent by the representation by the black community at the club. No problems there. I don't have problem with black people. We were surrounded by black people. That is the second thing.

Now this is where it starts to suck. The comic without original material decides to break out some new material. He starts talking about stereotypes.

Specifically black stereotypes.

Specifically black dudes have big cocks and black people like watermelon and fried chicken.

I'm surrounded by black people. Imagine a flashlight in the middle of the night. That is how much I stood out.

The comic is like "Big dicks are great stereotypes!! Chicken and watermelon is great!! I love it!!"

There are crickets in my corner of the club.

NO ONE IS LAUGHING.

I am praying that there is a sniper about to take this hack out

Dude know your audience. When half of the people are black and you are white dude from Boston, don't fucking talk about black stereotypes.

Other than that mild infraction that set the civil rights movement back, D.L. Hughley was a riot.

To top things off, when we get back to our room, I turn on the TV and there is Dave Chappelle doing standup talking about how fried chicken and watermelon is delicious and how being stereotyped about having a big dick was not a bad thing.

Fucking hack...

Vonage, voicemail and blowjobs....

Spent the weekend at my parents house. There was a dinner in honor of my late grandmother so we made the trek. The next day was going to be my dad and I watching the Patriots kick the shit out of the Dolphins.


My brother moved back in with my folks about 6 months ago. He now has his computer there along with all of his other crap. I decided to log on to check my email.

Now I have Vonage. It's awesome. If I get a voicemail I get an email and can actually listen to it over the computer.

Usually the voicemail file is associated with windows media player. My brother has his computer set up so that any media files are opened with itunes.

No big deal.

So I am in my folks house and clicking on my voicemail when itunes opens up.

Only it's not my voicemail.

No not voicemail. Instead I get a video file.

Of two girls on their knees taking turns sucking a cock.

I'm in my parents house and my brothers itunes has locked up on some porn that he has saved. I can see my voicemail file right above the porn file, but his whole computer has locked up with an image of two girls getting cummed on by a cock that looks like it could be used as a bat in the world series.

Then my mother starts calling me into the kitchen for lunch.

My brother doesn't have the "show desktop" button on his PC so I can't even force everything to minimize.

My kid is running around and my wife is around too and if they walked in they would see me sitting at the PC with two girls getting loads shot in their face.

I hate my brother at this point.

I finally just force the PC to shut down and reboot it. I save the file and force it to open with windows media player.

My fucking dirty ass brother leaving porn in the open.

Fucking rookie, and I would have taken the hit for it.
I'm sure the excuse "I'm just listening to voice mail!!" would have held up.
God I wish I was an only child sometimes.

So I cut my penis....

I've been trying to work out more. I lift weights now and then spend 20-30 minutes on the elliptical machine.

It's hard to keep it up consistently because of work, school and the boy. So last night I had only enough time to get cardio in. I am on the machine and I am kicking its ass. I feel good and breaking a great sweat.

Then I start hearing something hitting the floor upstairs. I had to cut my workout short by about 5 minutes to make sure the boy was ok.

I had left him upstairs watching Bob the Builder and the movie ended so he decided to entertain himself by running around with the dog and throwing dog toys at him.

Then I started feeling a pain around my crotch, specifically the tip of my penis.
I look and there is a cut running above and below my piss hole.

I cut my penis.

I generally don't wear underwear when I work out. I think I should from now on. As I was working out and moving rather fast my penis was moving up against the seam of my shorts and well....

Friction is a bitch.

So I have a cut on my penis.

Apparently urine is acidic because it hurts like a mother fucker when I piss.
This made a very uncomfortable night and I am sure this will be an uncomfortable couple of days until I heal.
Go me and my broken penis!

I had great dreams last night too. I'm sure having a gash on my penis helped.

I kept dreaming that some guy named White Power Bob was breaking into my house and I had to cut off his head with a rifle butt.
Except I only cut off part of it and felt like I was going to get in trouble for doing it.

Damn cut penis fever dreams.

SSNGM...

We get home on Sunday and the wife does laundry. After dinner she comes up with a clean load of laundry and I ask her if there is anymore that I need to put in?

She says nope the last load is in the dryer and we are all good.

We end up going to bed and are busy all day yesterday. I get up this morning and I need a shirt. There aren't any that I really want to wear, so I go into the laundry room to get the clean clothes out of the dryer and what do I see?

All of my shirts in a pile on the dryer and in the dryer clean clothes.

Are my shirts on top of the dryer clean?

Of course not.

You see after I asked her if there was anything that needed to be cleaned she forgot she left all of my fucking shirts on the dryer!!!

So of course she said no.

I go upstairs and am like WTF you said everything was cleaned.

Oh it was a small load I guess I forgot about.

Yea I guess.

So I grab a an older shirt that looks like ass and put it on. I have put my clothes in the wash and ask the wife to put them in the dryer before she goes to work.

She asks what clothes.

I say the clothes you didn't wash.

I go to leave and give her a kiss and she turns away from me.

Fucking broads.

She has the balls to ask what laundry when she can tell I am pissed she didn't do laundry that I would have done!!

Then she gets pissed at me for saying to put laundry in the dryer that she didn't do!!
My buddy has a theory called SSNGM Same Sex Non Gay Marriage.
Basically it means that him and I buy a duplex and him and I live in 1 part of it and our wives live in the other part of it.
That way we avoid the craziness that is woman.

SSNGM....