So I have a buddy deployed in Kosovo for a year. I call him Mon Capitan, MC for short. MC has made some requests of me, which I am happy to oblige. He, like me, is a fan of the new Battlestar Galactica. I know he probably won't be able to see them where he is, so I burn the episodes for him and send them out to him a season at a time. I'll do the same for other shows he likes, like ROME.
Then MC asked for something else....
and I failed him.
He wanted a video loop of a girl with huge cans jumping up and down. This wasn't for him. It was for the men under his command.
A good leader provides for his men. MC is such a leader. He asked a simple request. I looked and couldn't find anything for him.
I failed.
I was getting all his Cd's with his battlestar episodes ready, when I received a distress from the MC.
He had needs that couldn't be fulfilled since he was an officer and he couldn't hook up with enlisted women. He needed porn.
He asked and I made a vow to not fail him again. My determination was almost divinely inspired. I immediately found an downloaded "Big Tits, Round Asses: KARMA" for the good MC.
Needing to verify the authenticity of the video I sampled it.
Wouldn't you know it.
The first 20 minutes are a girl with huge cans jumping up and down. The other 20 minutes are...
Well you know.
A weight off of my shoulders, I sent the disks to our good fighting American yesterday. I hope it shows up like a Christmas miracle.
As an aside I have yet another story about the chick who answers the phones at my job.
Faithful reader my imagination is not so vast that I could make these stories up, so please believe me when I tell you this is all true.
I was troubleshooting a customer system when Kat comes over and asks how my weekend was.
Like normal I tell her it was uneventful. She then tells me about hers.
It was rough, like normal. She didn't get home until 3 am on Sunday and is hurting.
None of this is unusual and doesn't warrant my valuable blog space.
This is the fun part. She tells me she was at this party until 3 am, but needed to stop drinking booze at 2 am and start the water drinking process because her 1 year old daughter was upstairs in a portable crib sleeping and she needed to sober up so she could drive her home.
Read that run on sentence again.
She takes a baby to a party that is probably loud since people are drinking until 3 am. She then drinks until 2 am and decides to sober up by drinking water for an hour. She then wakes up her baby (who should be home sleeping) and drives home presumably drunk.
I'm no prude, but jesus! Be a fucking parent. This broad talks about what trash her ex husbands are, and she has taken her kids in, but that's what parents do. It's part of the job. You don't get rewarded for it.
I see a teen pregnancy in her little babies future....give it 13 years.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Thursday, December 14, 2006
I swear I'm not lying...
So Kat comes to me yesterday and tells me she is exhausted. This is becoming something of a daily thing. She goes out and drinks until about 3 am and has to be at work for 9 am. This time she is tired because she took her son to see the WWE. Oh and the night before she was out until 3 am drinking so she only had 1 hour of sleep.
She said she si going to try to set aside days to spend with one kid at a time because three at a time really drags her in different directions.
So she shows me the pictures she took of the wrestling match.
They are awful. They are poorly lit and I am wondering if this is what I was supposed to see.
So I am flipping through her digital camera and I come to some well lit pictures...of dildos.
She does the "Oh you weren't supposed to see those!" thing.
Right.
I was supposed to look at poorly lit pictures of a wrestling ring from about 100 rows back, but you just so happened to have well lit pictures of you and your friends at a sex toy party.
Right.
There are about 10 pictures of plastic cocks, her friends "jokingly" deep throating foot long kielbasa and just other family fun.
It gets crazier every day.
She said she si going to try to set aside days to spend with one kid at a time because three at a time really drags her in different directions.
So she shows me the pictures she took of the wrestling match.
They are awful. They are poorly lit and I am wondering if this is what I was supposed to see.
So I am flipping through her digital camera and I come to some well lit pictures...of dildos.
She does the "Oh you weren't supposed to see those!" thing.
Right.
I was supposed to look at poorly lit pictures of a wrestling ring from about 100 rows back, but you just so happened to have well lit pictures of you and your friends at a sex toy party.
Right.
There are about 10 pictures of plastic cocks, her friends "jokingly" deep throating foot long kielbasa and just other family fun.
It gets crazier every day.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Soldier on through....
I live in a sitcom. There is no other way to say it. On Fridays at the office we usually crack open a beer around 2 pm or so. It's all good. We don't operate heavy machinery.
So with that in mind, what happened on Friday morning was a bit of a shock.
Kat (27 years old, mom of 3, 2 different dads, twice divorced) came in like she usually does on Friday.
Hung over.
She worked at her second job (it will pay for her new boobs) until 10 pm and then partied until 3 AM at townie bars.
I felt her pain, since I went to bed at 9:30 PM and got up at 4 am.
Ahh our lives are so interchangable.
Around 9:30 in the morning there is an email saying there are bagels in the cafeteria. A co-worker asks me if I am going to get one. I say sure and we grab a bagel.
I am back at my desk at 9:45 AM.
As I pass Kats desk I see an empty beer bottle.
I say "Did you just drink that?"
Kat says "Best thing for a hangover dude!"
This is the world I live in.
December is a busy month for me. Obviously Christmas makes it busy, but my wife, my mother, my brother, and my brothers girlfriend all have birthdays in December.
To deal with all of the birthday madness my family has one dinner for all of the bday kids. It's a fun tradition and since I don't see my folks for Thanksgiving, it's almost like a post Thanksgiving.
We get there before my brother and his chick come over. My dad excitedly mentions that they have HBO.
Welcome to 1997 dad.
My brother lives at home as well and when he comes home he mentions that they have HBO.
This I think is a big deal for my family. My brother is saying he has been watching Curb your Enthusiasm on demand.
Now at this point my brothers girlfriend is over.
Dinner isn't quite ready so we decide to watch an episode of Curb.
It turns out that the episode isn't really appropriate for my son so we stop the episode.
When you stop on demand shows it takes you to a "saved programs" menu. Basically anything you have watched in the past 24 hours is on this menu.
The Curb episode is there but so is something else.
"Cathouse 02"
The cathouse series is a family series from HBO late night. It tells the story of fatherless girls who grow up and move to a house in Nevada.
This house provides all the needs for them. Food, shelter, clothing. All they have to do is charge men for sex.
Yes folks it's a show about a brothel. Since my dad can barely use the remote to turn the TV on, I think it's safe to assume that my brother is getting the most use out of HBO On Demand.
So we are sitting there in front of the 60 inch TV with "Cathouse 02" on the screen. I am laughing my ass off and my brother is turning red with his parents and girlfriend in the room screaming to get out of that menu.
Enjoy HBO little brother.
So with that in mind, what happened on Friday morning was a bit of a shock.
Kat (27 years old, mom of 3, 2 different dads, twice divorced) came in like she usually does on Friday.
Hung over.
She worked at her second job (it will pay for her new boobs) until 10 pm and then partied until 3 AM at townie bars.
I felt her pain, since I went to bed at 9:30 PM and got up at 4 am.
Ahh our lives are so interchangable.
Around 9:30 in the morning there is an email saying there are bagels in the cafeteria. A co-worker asks me if I am going to get one. I say sure and we grab a bagel.
I am back at my desk at 9:45 AM.
As I pass Kats desk I see an empty beer bottle.
I say "Did you just drink that?"
Kat says "Best thing for a hangover dude!"
This is the world I live in.
December is a busy month for me. Obviously Christmas makes it busy, but my wife, my mother, my brother, and my brothers girlfriend all have birthdays in December.
To deal with all of the birthday madness my family has one dinner for all of the bday kids. It's a fun tradition and since I don't see my folks for Thanksgiving, it's almost like a post Thanksgiving.
We get there before my brother and his chick come over. My dad excitedly mentions that they have HBO.
Welcome to 1997 dad.
My brother lives at home as well and when he comes home he mentions that they have HBO.
This I think is a big deal for my family. My brother is saying he has been watching Curb your Enthusiasm on demand.
Now at this point my brothers girlfriend is over.
Dinner isn't quite ready so we decide to watch an episode of Curb.
It turns out that the episode isn't really appropriate for my son so we stop the episode.
When you stop on demand shows it takes you to a "saved programs" menu. Basically anything you have watched in the past 24 hours is on this menu.
The Curb episode is there but so is something else.
"Cathouse 02"
The cathouse series is a family series from HBO late night. It tells the story of fatherless girls who grow up and move to a house in Nevada.
This house provides all the needs for them. Food, shelter, clothing. All they have to do is charge men for sex.
Yes folks it's a show about a brothel. Since my dad can barely use the remote to turn the TV on, I think it's safe to assume that my brother is getting the most use out of HBO On Demand.
So we are sitting there in front of the 60 inch TV with "Cathouse 02" on the screen. I am laughing my ass off and my brother is turning red with his parents and girlfriend in the room screaming to get out of that menu.
Enjoy HBO little brother.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
I really can't make this stuff up...
I've mentioned a few times my co-worker Cassie. She is the single mom of two teenage boys.
They are teenaged only in that they have lived 15 and 16 years. Mentally I think they are 4.
They call their mom for EVERYTHING. If they want a snack when they get home, her cellphone rings because they need permission.
It's insane.
I think she wouldn't have it any other way.
Cassie wasn't in yesterday. She had to work from home because one of her kids was sick.
Her kids are 15 and 16. That is insane. If I was 10 and was sick I would stay home alone. This woman needs to stay home to care for a teenager?
Does he have malaria? I kinda doubt it. My kid is 2, so yes I can see working from home if a child that age is sick, but a teenager?
Jesus.
Cassie's friend Kat answers the phones here. She is something else.
27 years old.
Three kids.
Two different fathers.
Twice divorced.
Let that sink in for a second.
This chick has lousy taste in men and loves some fucking skin on skin sex.
She owns her own home and her mortgage is about three thousand dollars a month. Crazy money. That is almost double my mortgage. I know I make more than her so I am wondering how she swings it.
Her sister lives with her and pays rent. On top of that, Kat has taken a second job at a donut shop.
More power to her. A parent has to do whatever it takes to support their family.
Yea that isn't the case. She is working the second job because the insurance at my company doesn't support breast implants.
Mommy needs some titties. She also always comes in feeling like shit because she was out boozing the night before.
She was in the cube ahead of mine the other day. All I could hear was her voice. One of my co-workers was looking for her and she said she was in the cube.
The dude walks in and says "What are you doing?"
All I hear is "Look I'm grabbing my ankles!!"
This place keeps getting better.
They are teenaged only in that they have lived 15 and 16 years. Mentally I think they are 4.
They call their mom for EVERYTHING. If they want a snack when they get home, her cellphone rings because they need permission.
It's insane.
I think she wouldn't have it any other way.
Cassie wasn't in yesterday. She had to work from home because one of her kids was sick.
Her kids are 15 and 16. That is insane. If I was 10 and was sick I would stay home alone. This woman needs to stay home to care for a teenager?
Does he have malaria? I kinda doubt it. My kid is 2, so yes I can see working from home if a child that age is sick, but a teenager?
Jesus.
Cassie's friend Kat answers the phones here. She is something else.
27 years old.
Three kids.
Two different fathers.
Twice divorced.
Let that sink in for a second.
This chick has lousy taste in men and loves some fucking skin on skin sex.
She owns her own home and her mortgage is about three thousand dollars a month. Crazy money. That is almost double my mortgage. I know I make more than her so I am wondering how she swings it.
Her sister lives with her and pays rent. On top of that, Kat has taken a second job at a donut shop.
More power to her. A parent has to do whatever it takes to support their family.
Yea that isn't the case. She is working the second job because the insurance at my company doesn't support breast implants.
Mommy needs some titties. She also always comes in feeling like shit because she was out boozing the night before.
She was in the cube ahead of mine the other day. All I could hear was her voice. One of my co-workers was looking for her and she said she was in the cube.
The dude walks in and says "What are you doing?"
All I hear is "Look I'm grabbing my ankles!!"
This place keeps getting better.