My mother in law came over the day after Thanksgiving. I can only take this woman in small doses, so of course she was over for six hours.
It got to the point where I just fired up the xbox and started playing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Everyone is in the room with me just talking. I'm only half listening to the conversation since it revolves around the mother in law and all about her life.
I start to pay attention to her when she talks about this "amazing book" she is reading that is changing her life.
See my mother in law is dating a life coach. To those of you who don't know a life caoch is someone who isn't smart enough to be a psychologist, but gets paid to tell people what is wrong with them. This book was recommended by said life coach.
She mentions one story in this book. A young boy happens to see his favorite football player. The boy is so excited and goes up to the football player and rattles off all of his stats and tells him what a huge fan he is of him. The football player says thank you. The boy then looks at him and says that someday he is going to break all of his records.
My mother in law finishes it with "That young boy did break all of his records....and that young boy was OJ Simpson."
Stunned silence. She is serious. This story inspired her. Finally my sister in law says that since OJ, you know, murdered two people and recently tried having a tv special and a book deal about said murder then he probably isn't the best guy to be inspired by.
My mother in law countered by saying the book was probably written before the murder and then tried to redeem herself by saying "Well there is also a story about Michael Jackson."
Great. A pedophile. I'm so glad this woman doesn't watch my kid anymore.
She can be led by the nose by anyone. It's just damn scary.
After she left we all drank until about 3 am occasionally stopping for a pause and saying "and that little boy grew up to be Osama Bin Laden!!" or some variation on it.
I love Thanksgiving.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
I think I may have erred....
SinceI have started the new job I've gotten a polo shirt with the company logo on it.
I don't like it. I will never wear it. I took it because I was the new guy and hey I probably will only have to take it this one time and they won't be giving them away anymore.
Last week the secretary comes over and asks what our sizes are. She is ordering more shirts. I tell her I am all set and I don't want one.
She comes back yesterday and asks again. I'm like really I don't want one. I never wear them and they just take up space in my closet. I appreciate it, but I'll never wear them. I tell her to just take me off the list.
About ten minutes later I get an email from my director asking me why I don't want a shirt. I scroll down the email and see that the secretary has told my director in an email that I do not want a shirt and I have asked to never get one again.
Bitch.
She could have just sent the list and not had my name on it. He never would have known.
Shit like this annoys me.
Companies talk about saving money, but then they go out and buy embroidered shirts.
I'd rather have a bonus or a larger raise instead of a shirt. I feel like an ass telling my director that while I appreciate the sentiment, I never wear those things.
I know I should just play ball and take the shirt and then never wear it, but I can't. I'd want to throw it away. It's a waste of cash to me.
Now I look like an ass. Maybe I am one. Oh well. I thought my wife would back me on this.
She did not.
I am alone in this world.
On another note. I was in my living room Saturday morning and I saw a couple walking a dog. They walked the dog right onto my front lawn and let their little darling pooch shit on my front lawn.
I opened my window and asked if they were planning on picking that up. The man started walking away, but the woman said she would, and the dog just went up there and started shitting before they could stop it.
This dog weighed maybe ten pounds. I call bullshit. So she said she would clean it up and walks away to get a bag.
This tells me this cunt did not plan on picking up after her dog. Most people have those bags handy.
About ten minutes later she came back and picked up the dog shit.
Whore. The balls of people. Thinking they can just go on someones lawn and have their dog shit there like it's no big deal.
I hope her dog gets heart worms.
I don't like it. I will never wear it. I took it because I was the new guy and hey I probably will only have to take it this one time and they won't be giving them away anymore.
Last week the secretary comes over and asks what our sizes are. She is ordering more shirts. I tell her I am all set and I don't want one.
She comes back yesterday and asks again. I'm like really I don't want one. I never wear them and they just take up space in my closet. I appreciate it, but I'll never wear them. I tell her to just take me off the list.
About ten minutes later I get an email from my director asking me why I don't want a shirt. I scroll down the email and see that the secretary has told my director in an email that I do not want a shirt and I have asked to never get one again.
Bitch.
She could have just sent the list and not had my name on it. He never would have known.
Shit like this annoys me.
Companies talk about saving money, but then they go out and buy embroidered shirts.
I'd rather have a bonus or a larger raise instead of a shirt. I feel like an ass telling my director that while I appreciate the sentiment, I never wear those things.
I know I should just play ball and take the shirt and then never wear it, but I can't. I'd want to throw it away. It's a waste of cash to me.
Now I look like an ass. Maybe I am one. Oh well. I thought my wife would back me on this.
She did not.
I am alone in this world.
On another note. I was in my living room Saturday morning and I saw a couple walking a dog. They walked the dog right onto my front lawn and let their little darling pooch shit on my front lawn.
I opened my window and asked if they were planning on picking that up. The man started walking away, but the woman said she would, and the dog just went up there and started shitting before they could stop it.
This dog weighed maybe ten pounds. I call bullshit. So she said she would clean it up and walks away to get a bag.
This tells me this cunt did not plan on picking up after her dog. Most people have those bags handy.
About ten minutes later she came back and picked up the dog shit.
Whore. The balls of people. Thinking they can just go on someones lawn and have their dog shit there like it's no big deal.
I hope her dog gets heart worms.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Mid-terms...
Been a bad boy. I've been neglecting all 5 of my readers. That stops for today at least.
I had a mid term that I put off until the very last minute. I did end up with an A- though. I really doubt my professor read it. It was trash.
Anyway...
While I was writing this 10 page paper....
It was a Sunday. My wife was watching the boy so I could get some work done. We are trying to get the boy out of diapers. It would be GREAT if he was out of diapers.
My wife tries something new. She takes his diaper off.
I am typing away and my 2 year old son is running into the office bare assed. I tell my wife to put some pants on the kid. She puts on his Spider-Man boxers (yes I was jealous that I didn't have any) but no diaper.
She tells me she did this before. She had him with no diaper on and kept an eye on him. She then would ask him if he had to use the bathroom. When he did she took him to the potty.
This is a stupid idea. Why not keep the kid in the diaper and ask if he has to go to the bathroom? If he says yes then you take him to the potty.
So around 4 she leaves to meet a friend for dinner. I'm still working on the paper. I go into the living room to check on him a few minutes later and there is piss everywhere.
He pissed all over his Spider-Man chair. He pissed all over himself. He pissed on my floor.
I am, for lack of a better word, pissed. I have only 3 more hours to turn in this paper and I have a kid covered in urine. I have to now:
1. Wash the floors
2. Throw out his chair
3. Wash the boy.
This takes time I do not have. It all ends well but I didn't need that at all.
Last week the wife and I went to Providence to see Death Cab for Cutie. If you get a chance to see this band then go for it. They were awesome. Since the show was in Providence we got up early and drove to my folks house.
My whole family lives close to Providence. My aunt, hearing that I was coming down, asked for help with her computer.
My cousin is about 17 and he LOVES porn. The last time I looked at my aunts PC it took almost 4 hours to clean that thing out and get it running again. They have since bought a laptop. It's about 2 months old and it is running like shit because of the porn and viruses on it.
As I am cleaning out this machine my aunt decides to entertain me with stories about my dirty dirty cousin.
She had both cousins clean out their rooms. The older one is 20 and a good guy. He does it no problem. The 17 year old is a good guy too, but just not right in the head. He comes out of his room with a big smile on his face. He is holding his nightstand drawer.
He is smiling because he is a 17 year old who is dumping out his drawer full of cum stained tissues. He is getting a kick out of this pseudo walk of shame.
The kid ain't right.
With that story over she moves onto another fine moment in my families history. My cousin has lost his license for awhile so he needs my aunt for rides. One night he has a girl at the house and my aunt comes in to bring her home.
After they drop her off my cousin tells my aunt to hurry home.
She asks him why.
He tells her he has blue balls and needs to take care of it.
My aunt has never heard of this term called blue balls and is like "Oh are you ok?"
My cousin is like yea mom just get me home and I will take care of it.
So they go home and my other cousin and my uncle are there. My blue balled cousin makes a run to the bathroom. My uncle asks whats wrong.
My aunt is like "He has blue balls."
My cousin and my uncle just laugh their asses off.
20 minutes later my cousin comes out of the bathroom looking much better.
This was told to me by his mother.
God I love my family.
I had a mid term that I put off until the very last minute. I did end up with an A- though. I really doubt my professor read it. It was trash.
Anyway...
While I was writing this 10 page paper....
It was a Sunday. My wife was watching the boy so I could get some work done. We are trying to get the boy out of diapers. It would be GREAT if he was out of diapers.
My wife tries something new. She takes his diaper off.
I am typing away and my 2 year old son is running into the office bare assed. I tell my wife to put some pants on the kid. She puts on his Spider-Man boxers (yes I was jealous that I didn't have any) but no diaper.
She tells me she did this before. She had him with no diaper on and kept an eye on him. She then would ask him if he had to use the bathroom. When he did she took him to the potty.
This is a stupid idea. Why not keep the kid in the diaper and ask if he has to go to the bathroom? If he says yes then you take him to the potty.
So around 4 she leaves to meet a friend for dinner. I'm still working on the paper. I go into the living room to check on him a few minutes later and there is piss everywhere.
He pissed all over his Spider-Man chair. He pissed all over himself. He pissed on my floor.
I am, for lack of a better word, pissed. I have only 3 more hours to turn in this paper and I have a kid covered in urine. I have to now:
1. Wash the floors
2. Throw out his chair
3. Wash the boy.
This takes time I do not have. It all ends well but I didn't need that at all.
Last week the wife and I went to Providence to see Death Cab for Cutie. If you get a chance to see this band then go for it. They were awesome. Since the show was in Providence we got up early and drove to my folks house.
My whole family lives close to Providence. My aunt, hearing that I was coming down, asked for help with her computer.
My cousin is about 17 and he LOVES porn. The last time I looked at my aunts PC it took almost 4 hours to clean that thing out and get it running again. They have since bought a laptop. It's about 2 months old and it is running like shit because of the porn and viruses on it.
As I am cleaning out this machine my aunt decides to entertain me with stories about my dirty dirty cousin.
She had both cousins clean out their rooms. The older one is 20 and a good guy. He does it no problem. The 17 year old is a good guy too, but just not right in the head. He comes out of his room with a big smile on his face. He is holding his nightstand drawer.
He is smiling because he is a 17 year old who is dumping out his drawer full of cum stained tissues. He is getting a kick out of this pseudo walk of shame.
The kid ain't right.
With that story over she moves onto another fine moment in my families history. My cousin has lost his license for awhile so he needs my aunt for rides. One night he has a girl at the house and my aunt comes in to bring her home.
After they drop her off my cousin tells my aunt to hurry home.
She asks him why.
He tells her he has blue balls and needs to take care of it.
My aunt has never heard of this term called blue balls and is like "Oh are you ok?"
My cousin is like yea mom just get me home and I will take care of it.
So they go home and my other cousin and my uncle are there. My blue balled cousin makes a run to the bathroom. My uncle asks whats wrong.
My aunt is like "He has blue balls."
My cousin and my uncle just laugh their asses off.
20 minutes later my cousin comes out of the bathroom looking much better.
This was told to me by his mother.
God I love my family.